Scheduling Grief

"Hi honey, I've been gone for a while.  Did you miss me?" 

After being gone for two weeks to attend to two deaths in my home state of Virginia, it was weird walking into Gary's memory center and asking this question.  He had no reaction.  He never missed me.

My father and sister died during my trip to the East Coast.  I have to admit that I did not check on Gary the entire time because I knew the Angels were taking care of him in Memory Care and that if something went wrong, they would call me.

I quietly told Gary that my father and sister had died and that was the reason for my absence.  No reaction.  I firmly understand that he did not know me.  I had no reaction either.

So, I clipped his finger nails, trimmed his beard and moustache, as I know the old Gary would expect that....and I left.  I was there for all of 20 minutes.  How cold it felt to walk out of there after being gone for two weeks.  However, at this point, I am numb and trying desperately to feel.  I had no reaction to the deaths of my family members.  The last few years of this Dementia hell have left me grasping to feel....anything.  However, the protection wall is up and I am not allowing anything in right now. 

I am going on vacation to Mexico in late March....perhaps I will feel something then.  In fact, I have scheduled my grief for then.