Too blessed to be stressed....

On my way to a personal medical appointment this morning, I stopped by Gary's to feed him breakfast.  He was sitting at the table with a Baseball cap on his head, sideways so we could see his face.  The cap is his famous " I'm too blessed to be stressed" cap with "Jesus" printed on the back.  How appropriate.  He does loves Jesus and would have been happy to wear it.

I sat with him and fed him Oatmeal, waffles with syrup, scrambled eggs, sausage, bacon and cranberry juice.  I also brought him a Starbuck Caramel Macchiato. He ate every bite and seemed to enjoy it.  As the meal unfolded, I started listening to the Adele CD playing in the background.  I brought that cd to them months ago.  I started to cry when I listened to the words "when we were young".  I held my face very close to Gary's and wiped a tear that ran down his face.  I think it was his eye watering and not related to emotion.  I contemplated that very soon I will no longer be able to see him, so the words were especially emotional.  I cried.

"When We Were Young

Adele

Everybody loves the things you do
From the way you talk
To the way you move
Everybody here is watching you
'Cause you feel like home
You're like a dream come true
But if by chance you're here alone
Can I have a moment
Before I go?
'Cause I've been by myself all night long
Hoping you're someone I used to know

You look like a movie
You sound like a song
My God, this reminds me
Of when we were young

Let me photograph you in this light
In case it is the last time
That we might be exactly like we were
Before we realized
We were sad of getting old
It made us restless
It was just like a movie
It was just like a song

I was so scared to face my fears
Nobody told me that you'd be here
And I swore you moved overseas
That's what you said, when you left me

You still look like a movie
You still sound like a song
My God, this reminds me
Of when we were young

Let me photograph you in this light
In case it is the last time
That we might be exactly like we were
Before we realized
We were sad of getting old
It made us restless
It was just like a movie
It was just like a song

When we were young
When we were young
When we were young
When we were young

It's hard to win me back
Everything just takes me back
To when you were there
To when you were there
And a part of me keeps holding on
Just in case it hasn't gone
I guess I still care
Do you still care?

It was just like a movie
It was just like a song
My God, this reminds me
Of when we were young

When we were young
When we were young
When we were young
When we were young

Let me photograph you in this light
In case it is the last time
That we might be exactly like we were
Before we realized
We were sad of getting old
It made us restless
Oh, I'm so mad I'm getting old
It makes me reckless
It was just like a movie
It was just like a song
When we were young "

I thought to myself that I should tell him that it is okay to "go".  I refrained.  

I left and went to my doctor's appointment.  I have my own health challenges that may prove to be another hill to overcome, but we can talk about that later.

Later in the day, the Hospice Social worker called to say she had seen Gary and agreed with the prognosis that he may have two months left.  She asked, "Ada, have you given him permission to die?"  Wow.  Hit me between the eyes.  How ironic that I had thought this just a few hours before.....

We discussed the timing and she suggested that even though he is a couple of months away that letting him know that I will be okay if he dies.....might be a good idea.  Who would ever think that loving someone could be so difficult?

She confirmed that even though I have been grieving that I am fooling myself if I think his death will not effect me.  I expressed that I think it was helpful that I watched my sister die two months ago.  How SO?  I expressed that if Gary dies a slow death, I know what to expect.  If he codes or aspirates, etc....well, that is a different story.

I went back to my second doctors appointment and considered the concept of mortality.  What a concept.  I am so thankful that Gary is saved by the blood of Christ.  It makes letting him go so much easier.