Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale.

Gary died three months ago today. For the most part, I don't have much emotion around it and didn't even realize until this afternoon that it is an "anniversary" of sorts.

Yesterday, Heather and I were driving near the Memory Care Unit where Gary lived for 1.5 years.  I had a moment where it seemed odd that I would not turn into that street.  I even articulated to Heather that it is still surreal that he is not there sitting in his chair.  I gave it no more thought.

This morning, as I clicked through Facebook I saw a link to a blog entry from this time last year where he had spoken the phrase, "No, shrimp.", as a result of me ordering him taquitos from a choice of taquitos or shrimp.  He did not speak very often then and we were shocked (even then) that he spoke.  As I read that this morning I felt a profound sadness and wiped away a tear.  Just one tear.  I brushed it off as normal grief and went about my day.

This afternoon I was witnessing an interview with a student who mentioned abuse against a person with Dementia.  It was completely unrelated to me but I instantly felt grief tears welling up in my eyes and I excused myself from the situation.  This reaction is not one that I have had before and luckily the person doing the interviewing understood instantly what was happening.  I walked into the hallway and spent a few minutes just breathing.   Inhale, exhale.  Inhale, exhale.

I understand this is normal but I don't like not performing well in "normal" situations.  Inhale, exhale.  I am very pleased that I know my husband is tucked safely into heaven and that his pain is over.....but sometimes it sure is hard.