I'm angry. But, I pretty much stay that way these days. Its a long weekend as I have Monday off work. So, I worked like a dog on Saturday to clean the house, unpack dozens of boxes in the garage and collapse after dinner. I decided that today, Sunday, we would go to church, have lunch (yes, I ate food rather than Medifast food), take a nap, go swimming and have a nice quiet evening at home.
Church went fine. We visited a church of the Nazarene in Yorba Linda and were welcomed like family. Gary only spoke out of turn loudly once and that was to proclaim his love of the Lord so it was okay. (He has been known to add comments to the Pastor's sermon). We stopped and bought lunch. After eating I suggested we take a nap and then go swimming. Gary said that sounded like fun and I started looking forward to swimming around in warm water on a 90 degree day.
After napping, we arrived at the pool to find a young family and another couple deeply engrossed in conversation while playing in the pool. I went in first and told Gary that it was chilly but ok after moving around. I swam around about one minute and looked up to see him standing in the edge of the pool on the steps and asking the VERY pregnant woman next to him if there was one more step. She said yes and he got in. He quickly and loudly started complaining about how cold it was. I got him to move around and submerge his body to get accustomed to the cold. He followed me around the wall of the pool but acted as if he could not swim. This man was a FISH in every water situation ever encountered. I was shocked. He complained loudly and profusely until I agreed, five minutes later to leave.
He exited the pool at a fast pace and headed straight toward the gate. I yelled, "Stop! Gary!" but he does not understand that word anymore. I quickly walked around the pool to get our towels and belongings while he stood on the side of the pool in 90 degree weather, in the sun and shivered like a small child. We bundled him and got back in the car and drove home. Total time gone from home: 15 minutes. I couldn't believe that one more thing has been omitted from our lives. Something we so enjoyed before is not an activity I remotely try with him again.
I am angry. I am 52 years old and finding more and more things that I am unable to enjoy. No social life. Our 30th anniversary is in three days. No vacation. Why even go out for dinner. Why?
So, I realized that I am sitting here feeling sorry for myself while Gary lies in the bed watching "I Love Lucy." His life has been impacted just as much as mine but the difference is....he really doesn't know it or care. That is the blessing in Dementia if there is one. Some days he gets very frustrated but most of the time he just floats along and takes what he gets.
I'm not sure what life will hold for me. Happy Anniversary, Gary.
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