Sunday, April 24, 2016

Pure loneliness

It is Sunday.  This weekend has consisted of a tremendous amount of organization, cleaning the garage, many loads of laundry (normal and incontinence related), cooking meals and straightening our "home office".  Gary and I just finished a great meal of pineapple/jalapeno pork, red and purple jasmine rice cooked in Mango juice and garlic sautéed kale and bok choy.  It was a delicious meal and Gary ate every bite....quickly.  The fact that he ate it all in less than an hour was an indication that he liked it.

All this activity and the only emotion I can identify is pure loneliness.  Gary is just a few feet away in the massage chair, Diva is begging for a post-dinner treat and Heather and Xander are in their living room......

Have you ever been all alone in a house full of people?  What is missing here.....Gary's real brain.  He no longer really looks at me.  He still knows who I am but he looks past me unless I hold his chin and force him to look at my eyes.  It is not the same connection. Just like I said, it is forced. Its a horrible realization that your husband is somewhat gone.

So, since he is still here and I feel so lonely, I can't help but wonder what it will feel like when the body is no longer here either?  He is healthy other than the brain so it could be years.  I am thankful for his other health.  For widows and widowers, I wish them peace.  The agony of their death must be of the worst kind of agony.  My loneliness and agony is only half....our dog Diva is so sensitive that she is feeling my pain now....she came and sat next to me as I type and put her head on my wrist.  So sweet.

Of course, its the same wrist that had a trash can lid slammed on it yesterday by the wind when I was cleaning the really hurts but her head trying to comfort me is so very gentle. She just switched to licking my hand instead.

God just keeps giving me breaks.  I don't know how or why I deserve the kindness. So, I will stop typing and enjoy my loneliness dissipating.

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