One day at a time

I visited Gary last on Sunday afternoon.  It is Wednesday and I managed to visit him for about 40 minutes tonight before going to Bible Study.

When I arrived at "The Happy Place", Gary was being fed his evening soup. I kissed him hello and had no distinguishable sign that he really knew me or cared....except for the pucker.  I quickly wondered if he would pucker to anyone trying to give him a kiss.  The caregiver immediately got up and let me finish feeding him.  His eyes were wide and he ate very well.  He was holding a massage ball close to his chest with his left hand and never let go.  His right hand was busy sticking his napkin in his mouth and in between his teeth during non-chewing events.

Of his choices, he clearly stated that he wanted beef.  As usual, he ate every bite.  The entire time he was either staring at me or at one of the other residents who was sitting across the table from him.  He could stare a hole through a wall.

After dinner, I glazed into his eyes while trying to figure out what he was thinking.  I asked him.  He mumbled something indistinguishable.....I will never know what he was thinking.

This week I asked the hospice doctor to complete my intermittent Family Medical Leave paperwork in order to prepare for the time coming when I have to be with Gary instead of going to work.  Last Sunday's tremors scared me into realizing that I cannot plan the dates or times of his needs.  It was very sobering to see that the doctor's estimate for Gary's "treatment" time is six months.  Six months......

I am not sure how to act, what to think or how to "be" with a death sentence hanging over my husband.  31 years of marriage.  6 months.  I will just take it one day at a time.