Monday, November 28, 2016

My heart cracked a little more....

Gary stared at me tonight.  And he stared.  And he stared. Until this moment, I have no idea what he was thinking.  There was no blink and no emotion.  He was holding my hand after dinner because I put my hand near his.  He held it quietly and every few minutes would tickle my palm.  

He looked at my face.  He looked at my hair.  He looked at my boobs.  I asked him, "Do you know who I am?"  No response and no reaction.  "Do you know my name?"  No response and no reaction.  "I am Ada, your wife."  Margee was sitting at the table and snickered.  She looked at me and winked.  He just stared at me.  After a few minutes, I said "Why are you looking at my hair?" He said, "Its pretty."  Wow.  He was there for the moment.  In reality, I think he was there all along but just could not put words to his thoughts. 

Then, he started talking.  All words were barely audible but I picked up a few sentences.  He said, "Its 79 degrees." He was looking at the thermostat.  Then he said, "Take my blood pressure."  We were sitting next to the nurse's station and she was taking blood pressures. He overheard. "Watch the movie.  Sing a song.  Dog is a beggar dog. " 

I was tired and conflicted.  Is the next moment another one of clarity?  Will I miss something if I leave?  I sat for a few more minutes and enjoyed the scratching of my palm.  I love him so and don't want to miss any moments.....but I felt the need to leave.  I kissed him on the lips and the forehead.  I had to pry his hand from mine to leave.  My heart cracked a little more than it has before today.  I'm not sure how much more it can crack without falling in two.

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