My New Home Without Gary

I have purchased and moved into a new home. For the most part, all of Gary's belongings are no longer there.  Charity has been the benefactor of almost everything. 

I have kept pictures, Gary's handmade dining table, furniture and memories.  Gone is everything else.  While packing a closet before the move, I found myself unloading a closet into a moving box.  Then I snapped and realized that I was packing Gary's winter hats, gloves and scarves.  I was just putting stuff in a box when it became apparent that I did not need to take these to the new house.  He will never need them.  Those items found their way into the charity box.  It was a stark realization, again, that he will never step foot in my new home.

While sitting in my new home watching the sun set on the mountains from my bedroom, I felt a sense of loss yet accomplishment.  In the old house, I often felt a sense that Gary would walk in the door, sit next to me and carry on a conversation like he did thousands of times before that.  In the new house, there is no eeriness around a thought like that because he has never been there.  This is solely my house without him.  I think its healthy at this point in his decline.

He is still alive.  He is declining.  He is now on mechanical food but I'm guessing soon he will be put on a puree diet since he often falls asleep mid-chew.  I've always cut his beard and moustache since he moved to the Memory Unit.  I missed last week due to the move....so, one of the caregivers tried to trim it.  As you can see, she cut it very short and referred to it as a "oops....".

 

 

 

She was trying so I showed no reaction.  I knew if Gary knew how it looked he would be embarrassed.  Its strange that I care still when I know he cannot know how it looks.  I want him to maintain any dignity he can.  He does not know me, cannot talk or walk and no longer even whispers.

 

 

During these few weeks, I have realized how very strong my near 32 years of life experiences with Gary have made me.  While I am human, I also just handle things. I break down once in a while but I always get right back on the horse. For example, the new house had a water leak with subsequent damaging being responsible for a pending duo-bathroom remodel.  So, some boxes will remain packed during construction as it makes no sense to dust up my belongings until later.

 

Heather and Xander are also moving in temporarily and we are all adjusting to life under a smaller roof.  She has helped a lot and shouldered moving many boxes while injured. 

 

I am about to be a widow.  I am alive and well. Gary will be gone soon.  Heaven will be a better place with him in it. 

 

Tomorrow, I am touring the Alzheimer's Association Office of Orange County.  Who knows what is next.....