Life Changes - a Three Year Journey

Three years ago today, on July 25, 2015, I moved my family to Southern California from the Sacramento area to take a new job at the university.

At the time, my husband Gary (already diagnosed with FTD) was still alive and moving with us was our daughter Heather and her son Alexander.  As movers loaded the monstrous van with all our belongings, we sat and watched on benches made by my husband years ago.

As you can see, Gary was starting to get that "dementia stare" and was very unhappy and confused.  Heather and I stayed focused on the future....its all we could do.

Our lives have changed dramatically in three years.  We suffered through two years of watching Gary decline.  He went from still walking and talking through a phase where he repeated everything he heard without much original thought.  He then started the "tapping" phase where he had constant movement of his hands and feet.  

When we moved to Anaheim, I rented a two story home that later became one of the reasons we had to put Gary into memory care.  He started shuffling instead of walking and losing balance frequently. 

I was working a 50 hour week and Heather began her college career.  At first, Gary went to day care every morning and took the care-van home in the afternoon and met a hired caregiver that would stay with him until I got home at 7:00pm.  As he declined and I was concerned about saving as much money as possible, I found that I was starting to feel trapped.  I barely went to the store as I could not take him anywhere anymore.  His verbal filters were gone and he would say VERY inappropriate things to people in public.  And, of course, I was always afraid he would fall or overly wet his diaper.  He still looked normal so people were always caught off-guard when he would blurt out such tidbits as "Ada, I am peeing!" or tell the manicurist that she had beautiful breasts.  So, we stayed home.  I bought everything including groceries from Amazon.

As he deteriorated, so did I.  My stress level was off the charts and I knew that I would have to take action and put him in memory care.  He could no longer live in that house as it would be my fault that he fell down the steps.  After four emergency room visits in two months and my own case of pneumonia, we moved him to Sunrise Memory Care.

It was a horrific time for all of us.  Every evening and on weekends, I visited him.  Those visits are all chronicled in this blog.  I watched him decline with every visit.  

I remember sitting in that great room holding his hand and praying that God would end his suffering.  I dreamed of a time in the future when I could live a somewhat normal life again.  

In January of 2017, I decided to take my life back.  I lost weight, changed out my wardrobe, fixed my hair and started living.  I started looking at life around me.  

Gary died in January of 2018.  It was a peaceful and much needed death.  I took some time off and healed my body. I took a long look at my career, my living situation and my heart.  I have no regrets as I know I took care of him and gave him the best end of life and care that I could afford to buy. Sometime during all these end of life adventures, I found me again.  

So now, three years after moving to Southern California, I have made the decision to cut ties with this part of the world that has left me with so many bad memories and move.  I will be relocating to Fresno, starting a new job at a smaller school (this one will fill my work heart), and pursuing a new relationship with a wonderful God-sent man. 

For all the family members of victims of Alzheimers, Dementia or FTD, I can only encourage you to do the best you can to care for your loved one but also to take care of yourselves to the best of your ability.  My story is just beginning and there is hope after this dreadful disease.  

I am eternally grateful to the Good Lord for the grace and amazing love he has shown me and my family through this ordeal.  We are stronger for it and Gary is resting peacefully in Heaven.  I know in my heart he is watching over us as we continue with our lives.