No One Here Knows Gary

Life has been very hectic.  In the last month, I have started a new job, trained all over Southern California, rented the home I am buying tomorrow, moved all my belongings into the new house, worked twelve hours days and spent weekends unpacking two separate moving trucks.  I have been quite busy despite the fact that my new boyfriend has been instrumental in unpacking most of my house. I don't know how I would have done this without him.

The hard part of this move is having so many belongings that trigger memories of Gary. While mentally, he has been gone for almost two years, he just died in January of this year.  I do not feel grief anymore but have transitioned into fond memories that I will carry forever.  FTD robbed us of our marriage and ultimately Gary's life.  

I am writing tonight to discuss how I am dealing with the memories and how they relate to his belongings.  Gary made a beautiful, handcrafted dining table over 40 years ago. In the 32 years we were married, we moved many times.  During those moves and in every situation, we always referred to it as "Gary's table" even though we were married and it was my table too. In this move, the table came on the first truck while I was at work.  My boyfriend was at the house assisting the movers in unloading the truck and staging the house.  He sent me a text to ask a question and referenced the table as "Gary's table". For the first time, I realized that it is now "my table" and despite my respect for Gary, I need to reference it as mine.  The feelings centered around this emotion were confusion, pride and love. 

Also a source of emotion are items such as framed pictures of us taken over the years.  As I am unpacking boxes that contain various photos, I find myself repacking them and putting them into storage.  While my new love is completely understanding of my 32 year relationship, I don't feel it is right to have pictures of me and Gary all over the house when he visits me. I have redecorated to not include all the photos.  As far as my office at work, I have also decided to have one picture of Gary (in the rainforest in Panama) to symbolize my adventurous marriage to him.  All other photos are of Heather, Xander, Wes and another very special foster group whom I helped sponsor at Disney last year. It is a strange feeling knowing that he is no longer here.....in any way.

I am buying a new house and am in the middle of all the paperwork to sell the old house and buy the new one.  For the first time I saw the words ,"Ada Gerard, a single woman" on a contract.  What?  Of course, I know I am single but seeing it in writing was really a weird sensation. Its almost like I felt incomplete.

In getting to know the new employees at work, it is also strange that everywhere I have worked in my adult life, Gary was always a part of my life.  Everyone knew him or knew of him.  At Heald, for 16 years, everyone knew Gary as he would come to the campus and work at the Holiday events or donate food to the food pantry.  They followed our stories after he got sick and started forgetting all of them.  At the last University, they knew of him and I felt enveloped in love even though he was in Memory Care.  They nursed me through his death.  At the new school, they don't think of me as Gary's wife rather, they know of the story of him and that is all.  I am finding healing in that blank space.

Life is moving on, I find myself excited at the possibilities of what life will bring.  As I continue to unpack boxes in the new house, I'm sure I will find other items that will trigger a memory, a sniff from our dog Diva or a laugh...maybe even a tear or two.  Its okay.  I am healing from the trauma of FTD and hope that I can help others who are facing the evil of dementia or Alzheimer's.