Saturday, September 27, 2014

Melancholy and Joy

Gary and I went to Dinuba and back on Thursday to pick up Heather and Alexander for the weekend. She was kind enough to help us out while I went to a two day Leadership Retreat.  They stayed with Gary while I headed to the California foothills to assist with the Rancho Cordova Leadership Retreat.  

While I was gone, he called me many times and could not remember from one call to the next whether or not I was coming home Friday night, Saturday night or some other time.  Heather says she told him repeatedly but he just could not retain it.

I called him on Saturday morning before the retreat re-started and awoke him.  He said that he missed me all night.(Heather reported that he came in her room 6 times throughout the night asking various questions).

After I spoke with him, I realized how very much I miss him and I don't mean just last night.  I miss the man I married.  I miss the guy who could help me think through and solve complex problems.  I'm dealing with some pretty important decisions right now and I have to rely on acquaintances and Heather rather than my husband.  Processing is hard when I am used to having his insight.  She was very helpful in letting me process through some difficult decisions that I cannot share here. 

I spent alot of today NOT "being here now" at the retreat and feeling melancholy about the grief I feel over losing him, even when he is still here.  He still looks at me with such love and intensity but the whole picture is now missing. I am grieving a man who is not dead.  The pain is excruciating.

When I got home today, both Alexander and Gary were taking naps so Heather and I had some time to plan, process and discuss their moving in with us early next year.  Since she spent two days with Gary, I asked her feedback on his brain capacity.  She sees a decline since she was here a couple of months ago.  We agreed that he needs an assistant more hours than I had originally planned.  It will be expensive until she gets here. 

In the middle of our conversation about my grieving for him, I got very emotional and we both cried.  She sat in the chair with me and expressed that she too misses her Dad.  She never really knew well the Gary that I knew.  I am sad for us both.  The bond we are forging will be very strong a nd we can rely on each other.  She is the daughter I always wanted.

He realizes that they are coming to live with us and he is excited to have his daughter with us.  He may not remember that tomorrow, so the good news is I get to share the news with him all over again and watch him get excited at the thought. 

He is currently watching "Dora the Explorer" with his grandson.  Pretty cool.

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