I miss my Life Mate.....

What a weekend! 

Around the middle of last week, Gary started complaining that his right leg/hip was hurting.  Getting in and out of the cars was painful for him, in fact, often coupled with screams of "ouch"!  By Thursday evening, he was complaining bitterly and it appeared to be more than just a slight pain.  On Friday, I called our new Primary Care Physician's office to make an appointment for him to go in. Since our insurance became valid on 10/1, it was nice to know we are covered. We had just received our cards and I looked at Gary's for the first time.  there was a name of his primary care physician, but no phone number nor address. 

So, I logged on to the Aetna website and attempted to log in.  Of course, it was a log in where I could not use my normal log in and password due to syntax...so, I had forgotten the log in info.  After going through a series of "forgot login" and "forgot password" agony, I finally accessed the proper log in for Gary.  After retrieving the phone number and address, I called for an appointment.  Upon telling the operator that I was a new patient and that I was calling to make an appointment with Dr. XX, she promptly said, "there must be some mistake.  He is not taking new patients and is retiring. You will need to call your insurance and have a new primary care physician assigned and then we can make an appointment."  I asked for the names of other physicians in the same practice and ensured they were accepting new patients.

I logged back on to the website and changed the physician.  I called back to the practice and was told that there were no appointments available that day and that if we wanted to come to urgent care, they work with no appointment. Bingo!  I wrote down the hours of the Urgent Care and decided I would take Gary on Saturday morning. 

Later that afternoon, I was still at work around 5 when Heather texted me that Gary had gotten worse and he struggled getting into the massage chair and fallen back into the chair but was not injured further.  I made the decision to take him to urgent care that night.

I drove home, picked up Gary and headed to Urgent Care. After filling out mounds of paperwork while Gary sat in the waiting room reading aloud all the signs out the window, he was ready to be seen.  The medical assistant gave me a couple of "you poor things" before we saw the doctor.  Gary is very sweet but very irritating.  Several times during the check in, sitting in the waiting room, going to the bathroom and changing clothes to see the doctor, he yelled out of pain when he moved the wrong way.  The nurse cringed at his volume.

Once the doctor joined us, she realized she was dealing with a patient who repeats everything he hears.  So, every time she said, "Does this hurt?"  He responded with a parrot like phrase.  With my help, she moved his body into 50 different contortions and he did not express pain once.  He lunged, squatted, bent at the knees, etc.  She deduced that he did not have any broken bones and that he had a muscle-skeletal thing.....said to give him ice and heat for 20 minutes each and take anti-inflammatory.

Saturday came and went with several rounds of heat and ice.  It basically did no good.  Every time he needed to get up to pee, poop or move, he needed help.  He yells in pain but I didn't want to take him to emergency to only be referred to a Primary Care Physician, so I decided to call Monday morning and report increased pain and demand an appointment.

I decided not to even try to go to church on Sunday.  We stayed home all day and I assisted him in walking anytime he needed to move.  He forgot everytime that he would be experiencing pain when he moved, so I had to watch his every move.

I know in my heart that this weekend was a precursor and a preview for what is to come.  I get angry and sad within seconds of each other. I rage when I have to repeat myself more than four times...sometimes three.  I am not good at being a caregiver no matter how hard I try.  Gary thanks me frequently and tells me how thankful he is that I am here and tells me how sweet I am. I feel so guilty because me feelings are quite different.  I just want to run away but know that I cannot do that.  I feel so alone.

I want my old life back.  I want to be carefree and go see a movie, get my hair done, go out for dinner and take a vacation.  I want my husband back....I miss our old business conversations. I miss his tender touch.  I miss my lifemate.  The guy that is here is mostly needy.  While I still love him, it is very difficult.

Only God knows the plan.