Sunday, November 8, 2015

Words from my mouth on Sunday......

Some utterances from my lips on a Sunday....not necessarily in order and with no context to assist the reader in understanding the insanity of dementia.  I will omit conversations with anyone other than Gary.

12:38 am "She said she was taking Xander to the Emergency room.  He has an ear infection. Go back to sleep."

2:38 am "Honey, you are in the closet.  Come out and go to the toilet.  Gary, go to the toilet.  You are in the closet.

Did you flush?  I didn't hear you wash your hands.  Okay, dry your hands and come back to bed."

7:20 am "Good morning.  I'll be right back.  I'm going downstairs to make coffee and get your pills. Cover up and stay warmy dormy."

The quotes from the rest of the day will remain timeless....

"Finish up your coffee, take off your clothes and get in the shower.  No, take off your pajamas.  Hand them to me, I'll put them in the drawer.  Get in the shower.  If its hot, turn it down a little.  Then, turn it up to warmer. 

Hold still while I shave you.  Don't rinse the conditioner out of your hair.  Rinse after I shave you.   Yes, I will help you wash.  Okay, rinse your hair and get out.  Step on the rug and towel off.  No, you may not use my towel.  You have your own.

Now, brush your teeth and comb your hair.  Your underwear, shirt and pants are on the bed.  Lean against the bed to put on your underwear.  That way you don't fall.

Okay.  Here is the hairspray.  Don't spray your hair and then comb it again...it will make it gooey and you'll look like Alfalfa.  That is a fake drawer, not a real one.  This is the deodorant drawer.  You have already put on your deodorant.

Now, put on your clothes.  Where are your glasses?  No, Gary, not those shoes.  You have to put on your clothes before your shoes and those are your slippers.  Your church shoes are at the end of the bed.  No, lets put them on the correct feet.

Oh Lord, wont you buy me a Mercedes Benz?  Oh right, you did.  Thanks, Lord.

Gary, I already put the granola in your yogurt, stop flipping the top over.  I already did that.  Gary, stop playing with the napkin and eat your food.  I'm taking Diva out to poop.  Stay here and finish your coffee.

Why did you come out here?  Diva is just going poop.  Yes, you may sit down.....lets relax a minute. Ok, lets go so we aren't late for church.  Do you have to pee or poop?  Ok, good.  Lets go. You just said you didn't have to go....ok, go ahead. 

Gary, are you done?  Hurry up, we're late! Did you wash your hands?  Gary, why are you doing that?  Don't wipe your hands on your shirt.  There is a towel here its right there.  Dang it, now go upstairs and dry your shirt with the hairdryer.  NOW!  Oh hell, come on up.  I'll do it.  NOW!

What were you thinking?  Oh right, you weren't.  I'm sorry.  I know you can't help it.  That doesn't make it easy.

Okay, lets go.  Get in the car.  NO, not out the front door.  Gary. Stop.  Stop!  Oh hell.  Get in the passenger side.  No, get in the front seat. Put on your seatbelt.  Stop messing with your jacket and put on your seatbelt, please?

Stop reading signs.  No, we are not turning right.  The church is straight ahead on this road.  Stop stomping your feet.  Why do you do that? Yes, Jesus loves you.  Don't wave to the people in the car. Put the window up.  Stop locking the door.  Stop unlocking the door.

Here we are.  Now, we're late so try to walk fast.  Hi, Ms. Dru, I really have to go to the bathroom.  Can Gary stay with you?   Thanks.

Ok honey, lets slip in the chair over there behind Pastor Jim.  Stand up and sing.   Ok, you can sit down.  Are you tired?  Stop fidgeting.  Shhh.  Shhh, the woman is praying.  Shhhhh!!!

Amen.  Lord, thank you.  Help me.  Help us.

Hey, I have an idea, lets go get something quick to eat and go see the new James Bond movie.  How does Carl's Jr. sound? 

Yes, it is a good burger.  We are going to be late for the movie, so lets go to the store and then home and go to the 2:30 movie.  Its the new James Bond movie that came out this weekend.  Do you like James Bond movies?  Good.

Stop putting your napkin in your mouth, that is disgusting.
Do you have to pee before we go to the store? 

Take off your seatbelt and I'll come around and help you.  Wait, that lady is getting out of her car.  Gary, STOP!  You almost hit that car door!  Stop means DON"T MOVE.  I've told you that a thousand times.

What did you do with my list?  Why did you ball it up?  OH geez, this isn't the list at all.  What did you do with it?  I know, you don't know. Now, I have to remember the list.

Coffee.  No, I want beans not ground.  Because we have a grinder.  No, you can't have alcohol.  Wine is alcohol.  You have had your lifetime allocation.  It mixes with your medicine.  Come on honey.

Walk faster. You are holding up traffic.  Come on this side.  Watch your head.  Put on your seatbelt.  We are not going that way, we are going home. 

Help me carry in the groceries.  No, this way.  To the kitchen.  Go straight into the kitchen.  thanks.

Now, lets go upstairs and get out the clothes that are too big for you.  Because you can't wear them anymore and there was a bad fire at an apartment complex and they need men's clothes.   Try this on.  I know you like this one but your stomach sticks out. You have gained a lot of weight.

Besides, if you lose weight, God will replace them.  Someone else needs them worse.  There was a fire at an apartment complex and they need the clothes worse than you. 

Carry this box downstairs.  Nevermind, I'll do it.

Get your shoes on, its time to go to the movie.  We are seeing the James Bond movie.  Do you have to pee?  I don't want you to have to go in the middle of a chase scene.  The last three movies you did that.  Go pee.

Well, that movie is full.  I should have purchased the tickets online.  I know better.  Ok, we will wait on the next show...its only a half hour. No, we will get a small coke and you can sip it.  I don't want you to have to pee during the movie.  Oh yeah, and Gary, you have to be quiet during the movie.  You repeat everything and you can't do that in the movie.  Understand?

Here is some popcorn.  Only a sip.  Shhhh.  Be quiet.  Be quiet.  Shhh.  Be quiet.  I don't know what he said, you were talking. Dammit.  You really have to pee?  Can you wait until this action is over?  Ok, go now.  That way, over those people.  I am so sorry.  Go, Gary, Go.

I can't believe you have to pee.  Come on, hurry.  Do you realize that I just can't take you anywhere anymore.  I am 52.  I am too young for this.  This is not the life I want.  No, that is the men's room.  I will wait.

What took you so long?  Did you wash your hands?

We can't go to the same seats... we'll just slip in seats on the end....in the front.  I know this is too close, but we are not crawling back over those people.  SHHHH.  Be quiet.  Sit still.  Stop wiggling your legs.  No, we can't kiss.  Be quiet.

Shhh.  Be quiet.  Oh no, really?  Again?  Get up!  Go.  I can't believe you have to pee again.  We ARE going back and I am GOING to see the end of this movie.  Hurry up.

What took you so long?  Let's go back to the theatre.  Are you enjoying the movie?  Its James Bond.  I'm going to have to start getting a sitter.  I'm missing out on too much life.  God gave me you for a reason.  Look for it, ADA.

That was the end.  Let's go.  Home.  Put your seatbelt back on.  Why did you take it off?  Oh good, Lord. 

This is our home.  We live here now. I'll fix supper.  Chicken.

Why did you put your spinach salad in the mayonnaise.  Now, its wasted.  You better eat it. Stop feeding Diva.  She had her supper.  Gary, stop feeding Diva.  Why did you put your napkin in your drink and suck it?  That is the most disgusting thing I've seen you do in a long time.  Stop it.

Bring your plate in here.  Let's put you in the chair.  Want a blanket?  The heat is on.  Don't touch the remote.  It is set on relax with heat.

No, Diva.  NO more treats.  Diva, stop.  What Gary?  Stop calling Heather, I am right here.  What do you need?  WHAT?  No, we don't need to buy another car.  We have two. 

Its right down the hall.  Turn the chair off.  I'll help you.  Its down the hall.  Turn on the light, close the door behind you. 

Wash your hands.  Did you flush?  No, I'm not going to bed yet.  I'm watching Madam Secretary and writing a blog.

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