"Ghost Busters" revisited. I have turned into a monster.

Gary and I have been at my Dad's house in Virginia for 7.5 days.  I love being around this side of the family since we are not together often.  Since being off work and having "downtime" I have learned a few things.

In the few days prior to the flight here, I had worked up an incredible anxiety over being able to manage (or not) Gary during the flight.  Even though he has only had a few accidents, I worried about him and had him wear a diaper. We had no issues.   I was concerned about the 40 minute scramble in Atlanta.  No issues as the attendant was right there to wheel him to the bathroom and get us to the next gate....which was right across the aisle from our arrival gate. All the planning paid off.  I'm too hard on myself sometimes. And at the same time, had I not planned so well it may have ended differently.

As we picked up the rental car and I had to leave him for two minutes while I walked seventy stalls down the airport garage, I worried he would leave. The attendant said she would watch him.....but would she.  It all turned out well until I pulled up the curb, had him get in the front seat and while I moved to the back of the vehicle to unload the luggage, he locked me out.  It was 28 degrees outside and I was pounding on the window for him to unlock the door.  He just stared at me.  After screaming at him enough, he unlocked the door.  The poor man working at Budget saw my dilemma and held the back door open long enough for me to get in before he locked it again.  I told him that I wished the disease of Dementia on no one he knows.  He said, "Merry Christmas." 

On a side-note, no one here says "Happy Holidays".  There is no such thing as political correctness and I
have found myself delving into gossip and unnecessary caring about others' business.  It seems so silly to be caught up in such minor issues....but it is natural here. 

On the two hour drive, Gary must have clicked the door lock and window at least 400 times.  I could not get him to stop no matter what I tried.  Eventually, I was a wreck.  His anxiety level was not helped even with my magic trick Sedalia.  We arrived safely at my Dad's house and the vacation began.

It has been a quiet week.  We have barely left the house except to run errands, go to eat and some visits.  It is restful except for Gary being confused.  I find that my highs and lows of patient (my patience) behavior are more radical.  When things are calm, I am better able to cope with his constant needs.  However, in a small bathroom, with no air vent and a leaky toilet (new one on the way), I find my patience with Gary's needs non-existent.   The best of me as a caregiver is good.  The worst of me as a caregiver feels evil.  

I watched "Ghost Busters" recently.  When the the evil ghost takes over the body of Sigourney Weaver and floats above the bed, one could substitute my face for hers.  At least, that is how it feels when the rage takes over my emotions.  I can't imagine ever hurting him, but the imagination can run wild.  

I am exhausted.  I sleep well here except for having to take Gary to the bathroom each times he needs to go.  He can't find the right room, nor the light switch (2 feet higher on the wall than at home), nor the raise the toilet seat, nor hit it squarely.  I have cleaned the floor here waaaayyy tooo many times in one week.  Then, I have to wait for him to go back to bed.  Now keep in the mind that our bedroom is three feet from the bathroom.  He just can't find his way.

So, in my spare time, I have thought of the twelve days of Dementia Christmas and would like to share with you all.  Please feel free to sing along. I'll start at the end....work your way backwards. 

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my husband said to me...
"Where is my comb? (11)
When do we go home? (10)
My socks don't match. (9)
I can't find the toilet. (8)
Can I have more coffee? (7)
Where is the dog? (6)
Hey, Ada Mae....(5)
What is his name? (4)
When do we leave? (3)
Gee, I'm very hungry. (2)
and a Loving wife who's gonna go nuts! 


We have two more days here and a early morning foggy drive over the mountain to the airport.  Please continue to pray for miracles.  We get them everyday.  

For all the other caregivers reading this.....there is a New Year coming.  Hoping for changes is scary because so far the changes have all been for the worse.  But FAITH can take you through it all.  Just enjoy the good moments.  

Merry Christmas everybody. 

I DON'T WANT TO BE STRONG!

I know people mean well, but frankly, I am very tired of hearing how strong I am. I don't want to be strong.  I don't want to be tested anymore. 

Don't misunderstand.  I am thankful that God has given me the strength to endure what we are going through as a family.  I am eternally grateful.  But, I am still human and I am sad, tired, grieving and still expected to rise each morning and perform at peak levels in life and work.  That is very hard to do....day after day.

I do believe in self-fulfilling prophecy, so it messes with me that I just said that I don't want to be strong.  That means that if I keep saying it....then I will lose that strength.  I certainly can't do that to myself.  Dammit. 

So, here I am.  52 years old with a 67 year old husband with Dementia.  Why?  I know the reasons.....there is nothing I can do about it. That pisses me off.  If my language offends, well, I am sorry.  Sometimes, I just have to be honest about it all.  I hate it. 

Yep, hate is a strong word.  I love Gary.  I hate the situation.  But, everyday I have to dig deep, move forward and draw on every ounce of faith that I have. God has put me in this situation for a reason.  He either has a huge purpose for me or an intense sense of humor.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me...."  Yes, Ada.  Keep telling yourself that quote.....just keep saying it.

Words from my mouth on Sunday......

Some utterances from my lips on a Sunday....not necessarily in order and with no context to assist the reader in understanding the insanity of dementia.  I will omit conversations with anyone other than Gary.

12:38 am "She said she was taking Xander to the Emergency room.  He has an ear infection. Go back to sleep."

2:38 am "Honey, you are in the closet.  Come out and go to the toilet.  Gary, go to the toilet.  You are in the closet.

Did you flush?  I didn't hear you wash your hands.  Okay, dry your hands and come back to bed."

7:20 am "Good morning.  I'll be right back.  I'm going downstairs to make coffee and get your pills. Cover up and stay warmy dormy."

The quotes from the rest of the day will remain timeless....

"Finish up your coffee, take off your clothes and get in the shower.  No, take off your pajamas.  Hand them to me, I'll put them in the drawer.  Get in the shower.  If its hot, turn it down a little.  Then, turn it up to warmer. 

Hold still while I shave you.  Don't rinse the conditioner out of your hair.  Rinse after I shave you.   Yes, I will help you wash.  Okay, rinse your hair and get out.  Step on the rug and towel off.  No, you may not use my towel.  You have your own.

Now, brush your teeth and comb your hair.  Your underwear, shirt and pants are on the bed.  Lean against the bed to put on your underwear.  That way you don't fall.

Okay.  Here is the hairspray.  Don't spray your hair and then comb it again...it will make it gooey and you'll look like Alfalfa.  That is a fake drawer, not a real one.  This is the deodorant drawer.  You have already put on your deodorant.

Now, put on your clothes.  Where are your glasses?  No, Gary, not those shoes.  You have to put on your clothes before your shoes and those are your slippers.  Your church shoes are at the end of the bed.  No, lets put them on the correct feet.

Oh Lord, wont you buy me a Mercedes Benz?  Oh right, you did.  Thanks, Lord.

Gary, I already put the granola in your yogurt, stop flipping the top over.  I already did that.  Gary, stop playing with the napkin and eat your food.  I'm taking Diva out to poop.  Stay here and finish your coffee.

Why did you come out here?  Diva is just going poop.  Yes, you may sit down.....lets relax a minute. Ok, lets go so we aren't late for church.  Do you have to pee or poop?  Ok, good.  Lets go. You just said you didn't have to go....ok, go ahead. 

Gary, are you done?  Hurry up, we're late! Did you wash your hands?  Gary, why are you doing that?  Don't wipe your hands on your shirt.  There is a towel here its right there.  Dang it, now go upstairs and dry your shirt with the hairdryer.  NOW!  Oh hell, come on up.  I'll do it.  NOW!

What were you thinking?  Oh right, you weren't.  I'm sorry.  I know you can't help it.  That doesn't make it easy.

Okay, lets go.  Get in the car.  NO, not out the front door.  Gary. Stop.  Stop!  Oh hell.  Get in the passenger side.  No, get in the front seat. Put on your seatbelt.  Stop messing with your jacket and put on your seatbelt, please?

Stop reading signs.  No, we are not turning right.  The church is straight ahead on this road.  Stop stomping your feet.  Why do you do that? Yes, Jesus loves you.  Don't wave to the people in the car. Put the window up.  Stop locking the door.  Stop unlocking the door.

Here we are.  Now, we're late so try to walk fast.  Hi, Ms. Dru, I really have to go to the bathroom.  Can Gary stay with you?   Thanks.

Ok honey, lets slip in the chair over there behind Pastor Jim.  Stand up and sing.   Ok, you can sit down.  Are you tired?  Stop fidgeting.  Shhh.  Shhh, the woman is praying.  Shhhhh!!!

Amen.  Lord, thank you.  Help me.  Help us.

Hey, I have an idea, lets go get something quick to eat and go see the new James Bond movie.  How does Carl's Jr. sound? 

Yes, it is a good burger.  We are going to be late for the movie, so lets go to the store and then home and go to the 2:30 movie.  Its the new James Bond movie that came out this weekend.  Do you like James Bond movies?  Good.

Stop putting your napkin in your mouth, that is disgusting.
Do you have to pee before we go to the store? 

Take off your seatbelt and I'll come around and help you.  Wait, that lady is getting out of her car.  Gary, STOP!  You almost hit that car door!  Stop means DON"T MOVE.  I've told you that a thousand times.

What did you do with my list?  Why did you ball it up?  OH geez, this isn't the list at all.  What did you do with it?  I know, you don't know. Now, I have to remember the list.

Coffee.  No, I want beans not ground.  Because we have a grinder.  No, you can't have alcohol.  Wine is alcohol.  You have had your lifetime allocation.  It mixes with your medicine.  Come on honey.

Walk faster. You are holding up traffic.  Come on this side.  Watch your head.  Put on your seatbelt.  We are not going that way, we are going home. 

Help me carry in the groceries.  No, this way.  To the kitchen.  Go straight into the kitchen.  thanks.

Now, lets go upstairs and get out the clothes that are too big for you.  Because you can't wear them anymore and there was a bad fire at an apartment complex and they need men's clothes.   Try this on.  I know you like this one but your stomach sticks out. You have gained a lot of weight.

Besides, if you lose weight, God will replace them.  Someone else needs them worse.  There was a fire at an apartment complex and they need the clothes worse than you. 

Carry this box downstairs.  Nevermind, I'll do it.

Get your shoes on, its time to go to the movie.  We are seeing the James Bond movie.  Do you have to pee?  I don't want you to have to go in the middle of a chase scene.  The last three movies you did that.  Go pee.

Well, that movie is full.  I should have purchased the tickets online.  I know better.  Ok, we will wait on the next show...its only a half hour. No, we will get a small coke and you can sip it.  I don't want you to have to pee during the movie.  Oh yeah, and Gary, you have to be quiet during the movie.  You repeat everything and you can't do that in the movie.  Understand?

Here is some popcorn.  Only a sip.  Shhhh.  Be quiet.  Be quiet.  Shhh.  Be quiet.  I don't know what he said, you were talking. Dammit.  You really have to pee?  Can you wait until this action is over?  Ok, go now.  That way, over those people.  I am so sorry.  Go, Gary, Go.

I can't believe you have to pee.  Come on, hurry.  Do you realize that I just can't take you anywhere anymore.  I am 52.  I am too young for this.  This is not the life I want.  No, that is the men's room.  I will wait.

What took you so long?  Did you wash your hands?

We can't go to the same seats... we'll just slip in seats on the end....in the front.  I know this is too close, but we are not crawling back over those people.  SHHHH.  Be quiet.  Sit still.  Stop wiggling your legs.  No, we can't kiss.  Be quiet.

Shhh.  Be quiet.  Oh no, really?  Again?  Get up!  Go.  I can't believe you have to pee again.  We ARE going back and I am GOING to see the end of this movie.  Hurry up.

What took you so long?  Let's go back to the theatre.  Are you enjoying the movie?  Its James Bond.  I'm going to have to start getting a sitter.  I'm missing out on too much life.  God gave me you for a reason.  Look for it, ADA.

That was the end.  Let's go.  Home.  Put your seatbelt back on.  Why did you take it off?  Oh good, Lord. 

This is our home.  We live here now. I'll fix supper.  Chicken.

Why did you put your spinach salad in the mayonnaise.  Now, its wasted.  You better eat it. Stop feeding Diva.  She had her supper.  Gary, stop feeding Diva.  Why did you put your napkin in your drink and suck it?  That is the most disgusting thing I've seen you do in a long time.  Stop it.

Bring your plate in here.  Let's put you in the chair.  Want a blanket?  The heat is on.  Don't touch the remote.  It is set on relax with heat.

No, Diva.  NO more treats.  Diva, stop.  What Gary?  Stop calling Heather, I am right here.  What do you need?  WHAT?  No, we don't need to buy another car.  We have two. 

Its right down the hall.  Turn the chair off.  I'll help you.  Its down the hall.  Turn on the light, close the door behind you. 

Wash your hands.  Did you flush?  No, I'm not going to bed yet.  I'm watching Madam Secretary and writing a blog.

Traveling with a person with Dementia

Going on vacation with someone with Dementia is a new experience.  Gary and I went to Yosemite National Park last week for a few days to celebrate my birthday.  It is a place we have visited many times and know locations, attractions, restaurants, etc. very well.

I did all the packing and planning for the adventure which would include renting a cabin, cooking two meals per day (cabin was remote and not near restaurants), hiking, walking and chilling out.  In retrospect, I way over-packed but feel good about it as I never know when Gary will need layers.....too hot, too cold, etc.

For the 3.5 hour drive, he asked a gazillion questions.  Where are we going?

• When will we get there?
• Why are you driving so fast?
• Why are you driving so slowly?
• Can I drive?  Why not? (I explained at least 10 times that he no longer has a valid drivers license due to the dementia...he hates that answer and still does not accept it)
• When are we stopping for lunch?
• Why are we going to Yosemite?

We stopped for lunch in Oakhurst, a small town outside of the park for Pizza buffet.  I could not control his portions and he piled his plate VERY High with salad and stacked his second plate with cinnamon sticks and garlic bread.  He did not get pizza at first as he did not turn around to see the entire buffet behind him.  This lack of awareness of his surroundings is very common.  His tunnel vision is sometimes scary but mostly inconvenient.

We arrived at the cabin and he asked why we were not staying at the Ahwahnee hotel again.  I explained that the rooms there were much more expensive than the $200 per night cabin we had rented.  He dropped the subject as I asked him to assist me in bringing firewood into the cabin.

I unpacked while he familiarized himself with the cabin.  Throughout the stay, he often had to ask the location of the bathroom in the two room cabin.  One night, I awoke to have the cabin totally dark since he turned off all the lights.  He could not find the light switch nor get back to the bed.  I grumbled and complained and found the light to get him back to the bed.  Of course, in that period of time, he had gotten very cold and spent the rest of the night complaining that he could not get warm enough. ARGH!!!!

On my birthday, we went to the Yosemite Valley and walked to the Lower Yosemite Falls.  The drought conditions are horrible!  We have been to this area of the valley so many times when the water was abundant.  I commented on the horrible state of stress and by Gary's comments, I could tell, he did not recognize the change.  He was just enjoying himself and the beauty that was there.

The next day, we hiked a very easy hike to the Mariposa Grove of Giant Sequioas!  It was an easy .8 mile hike up and .8 back down to the bus.  As always, we were dressed appropriately in hiking pants, layers and with a hiking stick.  Four years ago, Gary and a group of friends hike up the back slope of Half Dome....a very grueling hike.  THis year, I was in the lead and often times had to stop and wait on him.  He seemed fearful of walking on the gravel and was afraid of falling.  I slowed to a crawl and walked with him.  He wanted to stop and talk to everyone on the trail. 

While friendliness on the trail is normal, his version is over the top.  Many of the visitors were not English speaking and he did not seem to recognize foreign accents and the fact that many did not understand his language nor his random, often non-sensical share-outs.  I tried to explain but finally gave up and let him experience people looking at him as if he is crazy.  Moving along seemed to solve the problem.

While hiking, I had to take inventory of my feelings regarding traveling with him in the future.  Planning needs to be extensive or plan to not take him at all.  He enjoys himself except for when something foreign to his brain happens and then he gets confused.  Confusion leads to frustration and that to yelling or uncomfortable situations.  I am not sure what to do for our 30th anniversary later this year......we have always done a spectacular trip on the "big" anniversaries. For example:

5th anniversary:  big trip to Yosemite
10th anniversary:  Windjammer cruise to the Carribean
15th anniversary:  11 day backpacking trip to Yosemite and renewed vows
20th anniversary:  Windjammer Pirate Cruise and 10 days in St. Lucia
25th anniversary:  Visited our home in Panama and toured Costa Rica for a week

30th anniversary???   At this point, who knows? I will keep you all posted as I ponder what might work. 

Blended family, shared space!

Gary is going through a period where he is again confused about where we live and he thinks we are visiting the home we have lived in for four months.  Our daughter Heather and her three year old son moved in with us a little over a week ago and I think the new energies and shared space has confused him. 

It is not a disturbing confusion for him, but certainly not clarity.  We have separate "living" areas so both families can watch independent television and have separate activities or be together if we wish.  When we are separate, he seems more at ease and I believe he will adjust soon.  The only barrier to clarity sooner is that he and I are going to Yosemite at the end of the week for a few much-needed get away days.  (Well, I need them!) This trip may confuse him more, but Yosemite has such a healing nature!

We all went to church this morning.  I love watching Gary worship and sing.  He is more like his old self then.  I somehow sense that when he is that close to God that the broken brain doesn't matter so much.  He knows he is worshipping and the Lord knows he is loving him.  Its a precious time!

My patience with him has been shorter than normal lately.  Could be the changes at work, changes at home or Heaven forbid, hormones!  When Gary gets on my nerves, I try so hard to stay calm and let the tension go.  While attempting to pack this afternoon, he got very overwhelmed and started asking 40,000 questions.  I could not answer them quick enough nor satisfy his need to know the intricacies of the smallest detail of hiking boots, poles and luggage.  I was in the closet and he was lying on the bed....apparently we were quite loud as I heard Heather come in the bedroom to soothe the situation.  She suggested he go and sit in the massage chair.  It diffused the whole nervous, aggravating situation. 

I believe for so many reasons, this will work out! Thank you, our precious daughter, for changing your life for us. 

 

 

Can you walk any slower?

I spent the whole day with Gary and I am truly tired and frustrated....so is he.

We got up super early for a Saturday so that we could get ready in time to go for breakfast before we had to drive to Elk Grove to get our haircuts.  I watched Gary carefully to make sure he was progressing through his morning ritual to ensure we could leave on time.  At some point, I stopped watching him so he forget to shave.  He looked quite unshaven all day. 

He poked through everything so we did not have time for a menu breakfast and went to Carls Jr for a quick meal.  We arrived at the new salon (same hair professional at a new salon) right on time.  Normally, she colors my hair and cuts Gary's hair while mine is "cooking".  He was a little unsettled at the new place and said hello to Everybody who walked in the shop and asked all kinds of interesting questions.  Two and a half hours later, we left and headed to Pet Smart and Sprouts. The theme for the day was "how slow can you go?"  He could not have a sense of urgency nor move beyond SLOW all day.  Everywhere we went, he poked along and walked behind me.  I repeatedly asked him to keep up with me, held his hand, etc. 

He just couldn't seem to think clearly all day.  I was so frustrated most of the time.  I get very irritable in these situations and am not pleasant. He knows it and gets overwhelmed. 

We came home and took a nap.  It took him hours to come down.  We went for a long walk with our dog and he moved like a snail.  On the last stretch home, I thought he would need carrying.  Upon reaching the front door, he asked for water and said he was hot and wanted to put on shorts.  Then, very quickly, he announced he wanted to go for a longer walk.  Diva was done and frankly, so was I.  He fought me and kept asking until I distracted him by sitting in our back yard.

He took Sedalia and Tension Tamer tea.  I fixed vegetables for dinner and as we sat down I noticed he was not overwhelmed.  I must admit it was pleasant for a little while.

He cleaned up all the dishes and loaded the dishwasher without asking.  He fixed ice cream and cookies, fed the dog and is sitting quietly.

It is amazing the ups and downs. 

"Where is my deodorant?"

I have said to my Management Team on numerous occasions, "I don't know how you guys with kids do it in the morning!"  I didn't realize until this week that they didn't necessarily know what I was referencing until Erica and had a more specific chat.

A typical morning for Gary and I goes like this:

We wake and I usually head toward the kitchen to make coffee and smoothies and put out all medicine, vitamins and potions for the day.  Gary's lunch pills have to be put in a plastic mini-bag so the volunteers at the CLUB can administer them.  I give him his morning pills and treatments to ensure he gets them all.  While Gary has his coffee, I shower and start getting ready.  I usually remind him several times that he needs to get in the shower. 

He always prepares his clean underwear to bring in the bathroom prior to showering.  "I need a pair of underwear, where is it?"

"Its in the drawer marked 'underwear' in the highboy."
"thanks."
 
He often does this two or three times prior to eventually getting in the shower.  While he is in the shower, I usually replace the extra pairs and put them in the drawer.

When he does get in the shower, it is usually a 15 to 20 minute adventure.  He often washes his hair three or four times, washes his body many times and reapplies conditioner....no matter what guidance I give him.  He is very head-strong and usually does not listen to me whether I am nice or forceful.  

Next, we go through the deodorant, shave cream and razor search.  All his belongings are on the left side of the bathroom either centered around the sink, in a shave mug or in his drawer. 

"Honey, where is my deodorant?"
"Its in the far left hand drawer where it is everyday." A very sweet "thanks" usually follows while he applies his first application.  Soon after, he asks if he needs to shave.  I usually say yes and he asks, "Where is my razor?" 
"In your shave mug on the back of the sink." 
"Where is the shave cream?" 
"Same Place, in the shave mug on the back of the sink."

After shaving, he usually asks where his deodorant is kept.  Even with a reminder that he has already used it, he reapplies. 

"Where is my comb?"
"Left hand drawer, next to your deodorant."  I often show him in addition to telling him and with each repeat I get more animated. 
"Do I need to shave?"
"You already did." 
"Oh?  How did I do?"
"Let me see, did you remember the left side of your neck?  You always forget that side." 
"Check me. "  I usually re-shave that side.  Perhaps the lighting on that side is not good.
"Honey, where is my deodorant?"

Sometime during all that, I pick out his clothes including t-shirt, socks, pants, shirt and shoes.  I put them on the end of the bed where he can see them when he comes out of the bathroom. Most days he asks "Where are my clothes?"
"On the end of the bed." 
"Where are my shoes?"
"On the floor at the end of the bed."
"Did I use deodorant?'

During each of these interludes, I had to speed him along as much as possible due to his pace.  In the middle of each of these above scenarios, he is folding tissues, stacking the change out of his pockets, folding and refolding the towels, brushing his teeth, drinking coffee, etc.  The process is long.

Once dressed, we take inventory of what goes in his pockets. Combs (multiple).  Wallet, cell phone, tissues (lots of tissues), house key, pill packet and more tissues.

Out the door.  In the car.  "Please buckle your seat belt."
"Drink your smoothie." 
"why didn't you turn left back there?"
"Because we go straight to go to the CLUB."
"No we don't."
"Honey, I know where to go.  I take your everyday."
"Where are you taking me today?"
"To the Club."
"Okay. How are is it?"
"Less than five minutes."
"That's not right.  It takes much longer."
"No dear, we moved to Rancho Cordova so it only takes a few minutes now."

I drop him off, kiss him good bye and watch him until he is inside the buzzer door with a volunteer.  He is always greeted with hugs and reciprocates...no matter how stressed he is, when he hits that door, he is fine.  Then, I go to work. I almost always feel frazzled, stressed and worn out.

My next writing will focus on a day this week when he was clear. 

Recap of the Holiday Break.....whirlwind of activity!

Its been a while since I wrote.  My Dad was here for a few weeks.  Heather was here with the kids off and on and I had from 12-19 through 1-5 off work.


There was not a lot of time to write during those days despite the fact that fodder for content was plentiful.  So, in retrospect, here are the highlights:

• For the most part, during the entire time off, Gary had only one (count it), one episode of overwhelm.  Why?  Not sure other than I tried desperately to stay calm, answer his questions, fulfill his needs and have fun. 
• The first week back to work after the break was full of overwhelm.....go figure.
• We went to the zoo on the coldest day of the year.  After two hours of freezing, 5 of us (including a large car seat) crammed back into my SUV and came back home.
• Dad had to go to the emergency room for a bladder infection and stayed an extra three days.
• We had a horribly, ugly experience with Gary's new drum set on Christmas Day and following day. (if this were a drama show, that would have been an episode worthy of Oscar.) My Dad was a real trooper and helped me through the whole experience.  Had he not been here, I may have walked out of the house to not return for days!
• We had several great meals.  Gary helped with the major meals and was a big help if I asked him.
• I had one day where I REALLY needed a half hour to myself so I decided to go the store.  Quickly, I found the car full of my Dad, Gary and for the first time, my Grandson Xander asked to go the store with Grandma.  It all went pretty well.  I am still waiting on that half hour.
• Today, Gary and I went to see "The Wizard of OZ' at the IMAX theatre with some of my employees.  He sang many of the songs during the movie.  At the end, he clapped and talked about what a great movie it was.  When I pointed out parts of the movie I had not noticed on television, he replied with, "You've seen that movie before? "  I was surprised that he did not remember countless times we had seen it together.  I wonder how he thought he knew the words to the songs?

I will try to keep writing more frequently and regularly.  2015 should be very interesting.....

Never found the phone.....

The last few weeks have been days of intense expressions of love, anger, confusion and move preparation. Only 9 more days separate today and moving to our new location.  I'm very excited and Gary is also....at least when he remembers that we are moving.  Its very hard to grasp that he can sit in our houses with boxes EVERYWHERE and not remember that we are moving....but he does.
I haven't written in a while, but I would like to revisit the days following Halloween. As you know, Gary lost his wallet, house keys and Galaxy 3 phone.  I stopped the phone service and cancelled credit cards the following day and waited until Monday when the CLUB opened again.  Upon arrival at the CLUB on Monday, I was greeted by the Director and spoke with several of the volunteers.  NO WALLET.  NO PHONE...ugh.

One of the staffers indicated that Gary was having difficulty with his belongings and his costume, so they had put his wallet and keys into a brown bag that also contained his candy and Halloween treats.  My first thoughts were not pleasant.  How could they expect him to keep up with a brown paper bag with which he is not familiar?  I just couldn't believe what I had to go through as a result.

(Later, I realized they only meant well....I really should lighten up.)

Anyway, there was no paper bag to be found at the house.  I tore the whole house apart......I gave up.  The next day, when I came home, his wallet was lying on the counter next to his keys and Halloween candy.  No paper bag. No recollection of the "loss" or the find.  I was elated and frustrated.  The telephone was never found.  The deductible on the insurance was $150.  New phone arrived and is set up.  I made the choice for him to continue to have a phone.....just in case.

Over the weekend, we continued packing the "last minute" stuff.  I was downstairs putting clothes in the washer and heard what sounded like pounding coming from upstairs.  I went up the steps to find Gary on the floor next to his computer, frantically unplugging all the peripherals attached to it.  I yelled, "what are you doing?"

He responded that the computer was making a very loud clacking noise and it scared him to so he unplugged it.  I was furious. It was just one more thing that he had done that day that put me over the edge.  I screamed, yelled, cried and threw a magic marker at him.  He was not hurt but was upset because he didn't know what he had done wrong.  I had planned on shutting down the computer next week, properly labeling all peripherals and packing the computer then.....nothing was going my way.

I thought my chest was going to explode.  I told him to take the dog for a walk and leave me alone so I could calm down.  I cried on the bed...heaved is more like it.  Then, I realized how stupid I was being and prayed for forgiveness.  I prayed to not get angry.  I prayed for ability to bite my tongue and better understand his disability.  (Pastor spoke only to me in church this morning).

I felt an instant peace.  God granted me the peace I was requesting and I had a wonderful, deep nap.  I arose to spend an hour putting the computer back together.  He had unplugged the speakers, printer, and network cable.  I reconnected all but the sound....its only a week and I probably won't need it. 

We had a wonderful evening and a great day at church.  The rest of the day was spent packing, hugging alot and eating mystery food out of the freezer.  The smoothies and coffee pot are ready for morning.....Gary is enjoying his time in the massage chair.  Diva is running around the house chasing a fly.  I am trying to relax a little before bedtime.  I can't wait til this move is over and things are put away in the new house. 

Please pray that Gary will find the move smooth and not get too upset. 

Moving Adventures...

"So, do you want a divorce?" says Gary. 
"No, honey, I just want you to be quiet while I take a nap. I don't feel well and you have awakened me at least ten times asking me questions about the move to Rancho Cordova.  I have answered the same questions a million times and you are starting to irritate me!"


Let me paint the picture for all our blog readers.  In an attempt to get Gary mentally ready (and the packing, too), I started talking about the move and packing several months ago.  I thought it might be easier on him to get used to the idea.  In some ways that has worked because he asks questions, has helped me plan in many ways and then there are days like today. Before I tell you the questions, keep in mind that I have covered these topics MANY, MANY times. I have answered every question in many different ways.

• Honey, the box next to the bed says to go to Lowes.com and read about moving. Have you done that?
• Why are we waiting another month?  Can't we go now?
• When are we moving? (this question was only moments after the last one!)
• Is Ted moving out before we move in?
• Have you gotten quotes from movers yet?  Perhaps we should go to Lowes.com and see what they offer?
• Shouldn't we finish packing? (we have packed everything except for what the movers are packing on the last day)
• I'm so overwhelmed.  Can I have a margarita?
• We should really make a list of the things we need and go to the store.  Our pantry is EMPTY! (we have about a month's worth of food to eat before we move).
• Do you want to go car shopping today? (We bought a car last weekend and its being delivered from Oregon)
• We have so much packing left to do!

So, needless to say, life lately has been challenging.  The good news is the Visiting Angel we hired is working out very well.  He doesn't necessarily remember her from one day to the next, but she leaves me notes about what they actually do and what adventures they have at the park and at the store. She is okay with driving to the new house when we move. 


He was talking to me on the phone the other day when she arrived.  I told him to stay on the phone while he went to the door to see if it was Jo.  I heard the following:
"Good morning, Gary!"  "Are you Jo?"  "Yes, I am Jo.  Hi there Diva!"  He said, "Oh, you know Diva, too?"  She replied that she indeed knows her well and they have been on many walks together.  He responded that he didn't know that.


On Saturday, we did not have much to do....just a down day.  He got through the day without any "overwhelm" and did fine until dinner.  We had a marinated steak with mushrooms, sautéed chard and black eyed peas.  He sat down and quickly commented that everything was very good.  About half way through it changed to "this is not very pleasurable."  The leftovers are in the refrigerator.


This morning I awoke to his stressed sounds of "whew!  Hmpfff.  Hmpff.  Whew!"  I layed quietly but really knew that he would not work through it.  I asked what he was thinking about and he only mentioned random thoughts.  He was just overwhelmed.  Period. 


So, I arose and made sure he had all medications and breakfast.  He quietly forgot about his overwhelm and we went to church.  Before we drove just a few miles he had managed to irritate my every nerve with one thing or another.  Thank God I was going to church.  That place always centers me quickly and in a strong way.


Many people have asked how they can pray for us.  Pray for clarity and peace for him and patience for me.  Pray that I stay healthy and can continue working and paying for whatever care he might need now and in the future.  I don't know God's plan and that is probably a positive. 


We continue to laugh and love each other every day.  Blessings come from those laughs each day. 


Today, we giggled that the waitress did not know that Dill Pickles were made with cucumbers.  We laugh so often.  Perhaps those are things I should write about here, as well.  Not everything is dramatically negative.


Our friend Michael is taking Gary to the Bay Area to his home for a few days while I manage the movers and move the house.  He will need a list of things to be aware of in watching him.  I told him via text that he needed to pretend he was taking care of a precocious seven year old only with short term memory loss.  He responded, "Oh, so nothing has changed?  I'm just kidding."

No, Mike you are right on the money.  Here is a picture of Gary several years ago playing with a monkey in Costa Rica. 


I wish I could afford to travel with him full time....oh, the adventures we would have again.


Mike, Gary and I have all been friends for 29 years.  It will be good for Gary to get away from what will be chaotic.  I trust Mike implicitly to care for him and he is looking forward to the challenge.  Thanks to all who love us!

Dementia causes a victim to forget his friends....at least some of them.

I was off work last Wednesday, so I invited a Visiting Angel over to meet myself and Gary to see if she was a good candidate to be his assistant.  Her name is Mary Jo.

"Jo", as she prefers to be called, will work out just fine.  She is retired, very fit (nice for Gary's walks with Diva) and very patient and capable.

This Thursday was her first day.  I went to work as normal and left him with repetitive direction that her name was Jo and he was to work with her to complete the list of things to do I had painstakingly worked on to create.  

I noticed that Gary's GPS system sent me an email around 11:15 that he had left the "home" zone. This was not unusual in that I have it programmed to notify me if he goes more than 1000 feet from the house.  I thought nothing of it, as I knew she was with him.  More unusual, a few minutes later, his over 35 mile an hour speed indicator went off on my phone.  I was curious where they were headed so I logged onto the website and saw them heading south on 99.  I recieved a business call and forgot about it as I knew he was Safe.  (stop and think about the peace of mind I have with her on payroll!)

He called a little while later to report they had gone to a nature preserve, but Diva could not go in so they came home.  All was well.

On Friday morning, JO was to return at 10:00.  I awakened Gary and reminded him that Jo was coming and that they had to be out of the house for the maids to properly do their job at 10:30.  He did not know who I was referencing.  I reminded him about 10 times before I left.  He called me several times during my commute to ask details about maids, Jo and what they were supposed to do together. He got very upset and we did not have a pleasant exchange.  So much for my makeup for the day.  He was quite overwhelmed when I reached work and we hung up the phone.  I had itemized the trip to Sprouts for shopping, a walk and stocking the groceries when they return home. He seemed clear.

At 9:30, he called me to tell me that he and Diva were leaving to go for a walk.  I very vehemenlty demanded that he stay home as Jo, would be there at 10:00 and he had to let her in the house.  He said that the maids had arrived early and that he remembered that they had requested to not be there with him alone (without an assistant).  He remembered that fact!

I reminded him that he needed to stay there for 1/2 hour until Jo arrived.  He agreed and we disconnected.

At 10:00, the office of Visiting Angels called to tell me that Jo was at the house, Gary was not there and the maids would not let her in the house.  I explained that Gary must have gone to the park and that I would call Molly Maids and tell them to let her in so she could check-in.  I called Gary on his GPS (his phone was on the counter at home) and explained that Jo was at the house waiting for him, the maids would not let her in and that he needed to go home immediately.  He understood and said he as on his way.  Meanwhile, the office of Molly Maids called to say there was a strange woman outside our house trying to get in and that Gary was not there.  I explained that Jo was an employee and they needed to provide her entrance.

Then I called back to Visiting Angels to hear that Jo had proactively driven the neighborhood and found Gary and Diva walking down the street toward home.  All was well.

The whole time, I was supposed to be on a corporate conference call.  Dag blast it! 

Later, they called to report that all grocery shopping was completed and items were stored in the pantry.  The poor woman survived. At the end of her shift, Jo left and Gary called me immediately.

Her report was thorough and she will return on Monday. He still does not understand the need.  Having someone there gives me peace of mind....well, sort of. I never know what he is going to do next.

Today, we went to breakfast and had a delightful talk with a local retired man who had a very colorful, full life.  He gave us a copy of his book.  I look forward to reading my first book in a long time.

We then went to our old neighborhood for a barbeque. Everyone there was someone that we know very well after living in that area for 6 years or had at least met about six
months ago at the last gathering. He remembered very few people except for the hosts, who are very dear friends.  He did not remember that we had lived in the house across the street for so long.  He tried to act social but I could tell by his behavior he was very uncomfortable.  He reintroduced himself to two people who refer to him as "uncle Gary".

When he refused to eat as he was overwhelmed.  After 45 minutes of sitting in a chair, not interacting, he said, "I really need to leave." I did not hesitate to grant his wish.  After that, I did not want to be there either. 

I took him to the nail salon. He is always happy there.  It worked for a while. 

After pedicures, we came home and he asked for dinner.  Our friend had suggested I bring a plate home.  He ate but seemed very overwhelmed again.

We talked about it and he indicated that he wants only peaceful encounters, positive information and no conflict.  He cannot handle alot of stimulation. 

I am not sure how I could ever provide Utopia for him.  Since I don't know this solution, I am reduced to figure out how to keep him as calm as possible so my life will be sane.  God is good.

Preparing to move is a less than desirable activity = Moving Sucks!

On September 9, Gary and I will have been married for 29 years.  In that time, we have moved to different places of domicile 25 times (it might be more, I lost count and he doesn't remember anymore, so I can't ask him).  In November, we will move again to a house very near the college where I work. 

In the past, when we moved, Gary always took the lead on the packing, sorting, etc.  When we sold our house nearly two years ago, he was no longer capable and I took the lead.  Since I ran out of time, we packed most of what we really needed to purge and not move again.  So, now, we face either purging our junk or moving it again.  NO way. This time, I am in charge.

So, this year, instead of going on vacation we decided to stay home and organize, purge and get ready for packing.  We started Saturday having Gary try on all the pants in his closet to see what is too small.  We gave away twenty pairs of slacks and jeans.  He hung in there pretty well through his own closet, but got a little stressed when it came time for mine.

Gary assisted by taking my "too small forever" clothes out of the closet and folded or hung them as I tried on the next outfit.  This process took us hours. He really liked helping and making a difference.  Since the clothes were going to charity, I made a spreadsheet of new and used value for tax reasons.  Between yesterday and today, we gave away nearly $10,000 worth of professional clothing. 

Yesterday morning, we hauled it all to the American Cancer Society Discovery Store after church,  It took us 20 minutes to unload it all.  Gary kept saying, "why don't you just lose weight?"  That is a great question Gary.....   We then headed to Applebees for all you can eat ribs.

     

When we got home, we spent the rest of the day purging and organizing our giant pantry.  This space does not exist in the new house.  In fact, we are not sure what we are going to do with all the stuff.....perhaps we need to make a second sweep of each room.

By the end of the day, we were both exhausted and overwhelmed. Those two feelings are not a good mixture.  I got very irritated at everything Gary did or didn't do.  We should have stopped but we kept going.  He was really started to not process well and reached a point where he said, "Honey, I need to be blatantly honest with you.  I have been thinking of divorcing you." 

That is a new one.  It hit me like a ton of bricks.  After twenty minutes of crying, screaming, yelling and then calming myself to explain to him why divorce is not a good option for us.  Especially since we love each other so much and that his dementia had just kicked into high gear. He was frustrated and that was a programmed response from three other marriages.

He snapped and realized what he said and how much he had hurt me.  He spent the rest of the evening telling me that he never really meant it and testifying to his love for me.   I knew all that.  I appreciated the apologies and the extensive foot rub.  :)

Today was productive and not quite as painful.  We are both beat up and tired.  Crock pot Chicken and Dumplings saved the day with an easy dinner. 

The rest of the week will include cleaning out Gary's workshop and the garage.  That will take two days if we work at a fast pace. 

One thing I do know:  I cannot have him here while I have movers pack and unpack this house.  One of us will suffer irreparable damage.  At least I have until November to figure it out.  Anybody want to volunteer to take him on vacation?

A day of self imposed anger

Today was rather odd.  I was the one who was overwhelmed, upset and funky all day, not Gary.

For a couple of days, I have felt really tired, achy and down.  Not depressed really, just low key and found it hard to find a happy place.  Sad commentary for a Christian, but true.

I awoke this morning after 10 hours of sleep to the smell of hot coffee.  Gary was downstairs making breakfast. Awesome, I didn't feel like it.  When the alarm sounded, I picked up the Galaxy to turn it off and saw news of the Napa earthquake.  I went downstairs to watch television to see the latest.  Its hard to believe that is has been 25 years since Loma Prieta.  So much water has washed under the bridge since then.

After breakfast, I took a shower and still felt really weird...just kind of angry but not sure why.  When it was time to leave for church we melted into an argument and I left saying, "We better go to church and pray...we sure need it."  By the time we arrived at church I was in full meltdown.  I told Gary to go in and get coffee while I cooled down in the car.  After a few moments, I joined him and said good morning to everyone before going into the sanctuary.

I always soften in church.  We have the good Lord to thank for that softening.  After church, we went to eat lunch and for groceries.  Everything Gary did disturbed me.  When he forgot a napkin and I had to go back in to the restaurant, I got angry. 

While we ate, I asked him to take off his husband hat off and be my friend for a few minutes.  I needed advice.  How do I handle a life partner with dementia?  How do I handle the anger created from his disease and my life not being what I want or signed up for?  How do I get relief?  The answer came back with no answers.  He basically left me alone to deal with my emotions....only he was sitting there the whole time.

When he did not move a cup out of the car when I asked him to before the bottom fell out and got soda on the car, it aggravated me.  He didn't even ask for clarification.  After 500 little things, I just shut down.

All the way home, I said nothing. I fumed.  We came home and I went to sleep.  The 2.5 hour nap left me wanting more sleep.  He took his GPS, telephone, wallet and Camelback and went on a very long TRIKKE ride.  I followed his movements on the GPS while I paid bills.  My thoughts were scattered but still angry. 

He came home and took a shower while I sat in the massage chair. When he emerged from upstairs, he had on a beautiful new golf shirt, silk shorts, knee-high dress socks and black dress loafers.  He never looked goofier and like an old tourist.   I couldn't help but laugh...and laugh...and laugh.

He asked if I wanted to go out for dinner.  Not in those socks!!!  I once again shared that I did not want to go out but would prefer to go out one night this week after a long day. He agreed and I fixed dinner.  The laughter helped wane the anger.

Now, Gary is in the massage chair and I am feeling tired again.  Guess I should take my iron supplements and find another reason to laugh.

Sick, frustrated, tired and perturbed.

For those reading this blog who know me, you know how much I love my husband, Gary.  For those who don't know me or us....we have an immeasurable love that will have its marital anniversary of 29 years in September.  I love him unconditionally.  With that said....

I'm very sick of dementia.  I'm frustrated with not knowing what I am going to encounter everyday.  I'm tired of being tense when the phone rings wondering what is going on with my husband in any given moment.  I am perturbed everytime I hear certain phrases or answers to questions.  And, there is nothing I can do to stop it. 

Tonight I came home from work while Gary was still walking our dog, Diva.  We communicated via his Amber Alert device and I knew he was nearby on a walking trail and he seemed very happy.  He was on his way home so I told him I would start dinner.

A while later, I called him again and he said he was trying to get in the house.  Since I was standing on our front porch looking for him, I had to ask, "Where are you?"  Perhaps he was at the wrong house?  No, I could hear him responding to me from a few feet away.  I walked further out on the sidewalk and saw him at the neighbors front door.  He was one house away.

He came to our house and said that he wanted to go next door and explain what had happened.  I asked if anyone came to the door when he knocked and he said no.  Upon further questioning, he said that he was in the neighbors open garage and was trying to get in their screen door.  Speechless, I was.

With that information, I agreed to go next door.  The woman of the house was next door in the driveway and I explained what had happened.  I told her that he has dementia and was confused and meant no harm.  She stared at me as if to be a deer in approaching headlights.  Suddenly, I realized that I had lived here, next to them for 1.5 years and I didn't know if she even speaks English.  She clarified that she understood (Si, ella habla Ingles.) what had happened and said that everything was okay with their door.

(The blank stare was probably disbelief). We came home and then Gary worried for the next hour that he needed to go back and explain further.  I told him that he had done enough and he subsequently worked himself into a frenzy.  A relaxation bath is in progress.  The massage chair is not enough tonight.

Further, while fixing dinner, I walked to our kitchen sink and stepped in a soaking wet foot mat.  After moving all the crap out from under the sink, I found a puddle with no way of tracing its origin. It is now dry and I have run every possible water source to find the leak.  Nothing.  Needless to say, Gary cannot help as he has no capacity for thinking tonight. 

The irony is he was SO CLEAR when I talked to him earlier. 

So far, I cannot predict what triggers good or bad moments.  There is no magic or science.  For now, I am just numb. 

Disbelief
Anger
Frustration
Melancholy
Depression
Love
Thankfulness

All words that describe the emotions felt by a in-love caregiver on any given day.

Turbo massage chair to the rescue!

I read an article today in the Sacramento Bee (part of a series) about a family having to put their Alzheimer's infected Mom into an assisted living facility. 


First, understand that other than this one article, I think the Sacramento Bee is an example of poor journalistic showmanship.....and I have many examples to cite.   There, that is out of my system.


Anyway, the article referenced the mother's decline over the years to include memory loss, paranoia, panic, confusion and how she had gotten to the point that a family member had to be with her always.  It was a terrible toll on the family.  It discussed the feelings of guilt the family had because the mother accused them of broken promises. 


I feel many of the same feelings and we are nowhere near her advanced stage of the disease.  Gary has some very good days.  Then, there are the others.


Heather and her son were here for a week to assist because Gary's CLUB was closed.  She is an angel with waaayyy more patience than me.  They got along well and she settled several discussions between us.  At one point, I was trying to explain to Gary (for at least the 100th time) why he could no longer drive.  It got louder and louder.  We were in his office on the second floor and I yelled down to the kitchen, "Heather come help me!"  She did and eventually, he calmed and for that moment, accepted the fate whether he agreed or not.


The hard part of sharing these stories on the blog are the judgment I experience by all the people who "know better".  On one hand, I know that many people do know more than I do and that is why I do share....perhaps I can help someone else.  On the other hand, it makes me angry because I don't know it all.  The control freak in me screams silently when I do not know how to navigate a situation.


I'm going through an extremely stressful time at my job.  Most of it I don't share with Gary as it would just overwhelm him more.  So, I try to find other sources to replace my once brilliant businessman who used to help me so much with minor and major issues.  About two years ago, he told me that he could no longer help me with my work problems as he had taught me everything he knew.  How sweet.  I guess that statement was a precursor to a loss that was to come. How sad.   At least I learned while I could.


We bought a turbo, super awesome massage chair at the State Fair.  Its like a small sports car.  Gary and I had spent at least an hour apiece in it every night.  He loves it.  This also explains the decline in blog posts.  If you could have your entire body massaged or write a blog, which would you do?



Here, Gary is just trying the chair.  When properly reclining, the arms are completely covered by massaging, pressure airbags, has zero gravity and blue tooth for music.  Instead of going on a luxury vacation this year, we now have luxury every night.


Wow, what an experience.  The best night yet for Gary was a hot anti-stress bath and THEN the massage chair. 


I recommend this chair for everyone who has any stress in their life.  In fact, Gary wants to call the company and become a salesperson for them.....

Ada, separate the emotion!!

It has been a while since I've written.  Mostly due to being incredibly busy and not knowing how to portray properly some of the events due to the detail required to make the story understandable.  It is exhausting....the events and the writing.

In the last week, I have have discovered one thing to be most important for my performance at work and personally.  I have to stay neutral and not get caught up in Gary's erratic emotions.  When I become affected by his emotions, mine get out of control and things go wrong.  The following events are examples of that.....while funny, they are precursors for larger "mess ups" if I don't get a handle on this inability to separate my two worlds emotionally.

Last Wednesday evening, I made the decision to not attend the monthly Chamber of Commerce meeting on Thursday due to my college's Orientation for new students was at the same time and much more important during this period of time in our company sale.  I have always gotten there by 10:00am to do my part, but extra support may be needed so I emailed the appropriate person at the Chamber and slept better.

The plan was to be at the college at 8:00 rather than at City Hall at 8:00 am.  If I played it correctly, I could arise at 6:00, get ready, hit heavy traffic and still be at work on time. Gary's CLUB is closed on Thursday so I did not need to involve that stop.

Gary awoke at 5:30 am and was again staring at me. "Good morning, dear."
"Hi, Garball.  Did you sleep well?" 

"Yes, but I really need to start planning the Yosemite trip.  Can you help me?"

Okay, up it is.  The conversation turned into a full-on argument that lasted until it was time for me to leave.  As I drove up Highway 5, I was trying to stop the intermittent crying and then looked in the mirror.  That was motivation enough....red, puffy eyes and all the make-up was either gone or down on my chin.  Need to plan this out. 

I can stop by CVS pharmacy next to the college and get some fix it makeup and then get quick breakfast and get there by 8:00.  There was an accident on the freeway that slowed things.  (I still have the crying heaves every few minutes.  Stop it Ada, you have to speak this morning.) Then, I realized I had something in my eye that without stopping, was not coming out.   I reached CVS and realized my suit jacket was incredibly snug and uncomfortable but I went in the store and realized I would just have to wear it anyway.   As I entered the door, the security alarm sounded.  I froze because I was trying to remember where the eye drops were in the store, not because of the alarm.  The clerk pointed me in the right direction after explaining the alarm was a system test.  I was so numb that I truly didn't think of it but the adrenaline still hit my system. 

As I walked through the store, there was an elderly, slow-moving man in the aisle ahead of me.  He collapsed over a large water display.  "Are you OK, sir?"
"Yes, sweetie, my back just goes out.  I'll be OK in a few minutes, just leave me here."  Is this day really happening?

Eye drops retrieved, along with eye shadow, mascara and eye liner. I went to the car, washed my eye and proceeded to drop the mascara down the front of my light pink blouse and the too-small-anyway jacket.  Really?  Do I drive 45 minutes back home? No, go buy something.  Off to Target which is the only store open at 8:15. 

The escapades in there were unbelievable.  After several tries, I found a blouse and sweater (way too casual) that did not need ironing and made my way to the cashier.  The fitting room lady freaked when I told her I wanted to wear my purchases.  People just don't do that....you must buy them first.  I reassured her that I was not stealing and convinced her to cut off the tags and walk with me to the register.  Dropping a blouse on the floor in electronics and retrieving it came before the money. 

OK, hey, there is a Starbucks in the front.  Maybe I should get some tea.  I was late for the 8:00 shift where no one was expecting me, so maybe the tea will calm me.

I stood in line.  Who has ever been to a Starbucks with one employee?  There was a man in front of me leaning on the counter. He fell asleep and almost fell.  We chuckled and proceeded to tell me that he had Crohn's disease and that his Mom had died from it.  I heard the family story that ended with "so, I don't know how long I will live, but I get my coffee everyday.  That is all I can enjoy."

Wow.  My heart went from pissed off, angry, upset and feeling sorry for myself to "God bless you."  He blessed me and I decided the day was mine to control and that I needed to control what I was attracting into my day. Thank you, LORD for sending angels.  There, fixed.

On to Orientation.  It was a smooth morning.  I checked in with Gary and shared the whole incident.  He laughed but did not remember the argument or why I was crying in the first place. 

Later in the afternoon, I tried to call Gary on three numbers and the GPS.  No answer.  Repeat.  Repeat.  The GPS software showed the GPS to be at home so if he went walking, he didn't take it. 

After two hours, I decided to drive home.  I had time before the next Orientation to go there and get back.  For forty five minutes home, I hoped he would answer but he didn't.  (I decided to plan not to get upset if he was home, just be happy.) When the garage door opened, he came out of the house and asked why I was home in the middle of the afternoon.  Upon exploration, I found his cell phone turned off, the GPS on the counter and the main home telephone moved to his office.  He could not hear the GPS from upstairs and the home phone he had moved was not plugged into the hard phone line.  It never would ring. 

I moved the phone back to where it belonged, kissed him goodbye and went back to work.  After getting home late, we both slept well.

Now Heather is here.  It is going well and she is a great relief for us. Gary got very stressed, tired and overwhelmed last night.  He had earplugs in while taking a bath so we ended up yelling at each other over whether or not I had told him I would bring him tea.  To make a long story longer, he got very angry and told me that he needed to divorce me and marry someone else.  I will spare you the details of the argument but by the time he went downstairs to let Diva out and came back, he was back to normal.  Meanwhile, I have emotional devastation. 

He awoke this morning apologizing for what he said and telling me how much he loves me.  He remembered! 

Like I said when I started this post, I need to separate my emotions from his.  That talent is hard after 28 years.  I still love him.