I DON'T WANT TO BE STRONG!

I know people mean well, but frankly, I am very tired of hearing how strong I am. I don't want to be strong.  I don't want to be tested anymore. 

Don't misunderstand.  I am thankful that God has given me the strength to endure what we are going through as a family.  I am eternally grateful.  But, I am still human and I am sad, tired, grieving and still expected to rise each morning and perform at peak levels in life and work.  That is very hard to do....day after day.

I do believe in self-fulfilling prophecy, so it messes with me that I just said that I don't want to be strong.  That means that if I keep saying it....then I will lose that strength.  I certainly can't do that to myself.  Dammit. 

So, here I am.  52 years old with a 67 year old husband with Dementia.  Why?  I know the reasons.....there is nothing I can do about it. That pisses me off.  If my language offends, well, I am sorry.  Sometimes, I just have to be honest about it all.  I hate it. 

Yep, hate is a strong word.  I love Gary.  I hate the situation.  But, everyday I have to dig deep, move forward and draw on every ounce of faith that I have. God has put me in this situation for a reason.  He either has a huge purpose for me or an intense sense of humor.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me...."  Yes, Ada.  Keep telling yourself that quote.....just keep saying it.