Sunday, August 24, 2014

A day of self imposed anger

Today was rather odd.  I was the one who was overwhelmed, upset and funky all day, not Gary.

For a couple of days, I have felt really tired, achy and down.  Not depressed really, just low key and found it hard to find a happy place.  Sad commentary for a Christian, but true.

I awoke this morning after 10 hours of sleep to the smell of hot coffee.  Gary was downstairs making breakfast. Awesome, I didn't feel like it.  When the alarm sounded, I picked up the Galaxy to turn it off and saw news of the Napa earthquake.  I went downstairs to watch television to see the latest.  Its hard to believe that is has been 25 years since Loma Prieta.  So much water has washed under the bridge since then.

After breakfast, I took a shower and still felt really weird...just kind of angry but not sure why.  When it was time to leave for church we melted into an argument and I left saying, "We better go to church and pray...we sure need it."  By the time we arrived at church I was in full meltdown.  I told Gary to go in and get coffee while I cooled down in the car.  After a few moments, I joined him and said good morning to everyone before going into the sanctuary.

I always soften in church.  We have the good Lord to thank for that softening.  After church, we went to eat lunch and for groceries.  Everything Gary did disturbed me.  When he forgot a napkin and I had to go back in to the restaurant, I got angry. 

While we ate, I asked him to take off his husband hat off and be my friend for a few minutes.  I needed advice.  How do I handle a life partner with dementia?  How do I handle the anger created from his disease and my life not being what I want or signed up for?  How do I get relief?  The answer came back with no answers.  He basically left me alone to deal with my emotions....only he was sitting there the whole time.

When he did not move a cup out of the car when I asked him to before the bottom fell out and got soda on the car, it aggravated me.  He didn't even ask for clarification.  After 500 little things, I just shut down.

All the way home, I said nothing. I fumed.  We came home and I went to sleep.  The 2.5 hour nap left me wanting more sleep.  He took his GPS, telephone, wallet and Camelback and went on a very long TRIKKE ride.  I followed his movements on the GPS while I paid bills.  My thoughts were scattered but still angry. 

He came home and took a shower while I sat in the massage chair. When he emerged from upstairs, he had on a beautiful new golf shirt, silk shorts, knee-high dress socks and black dress loafers.  He never looked goofier and like an old tourist.   I couldn't help but laugh...and laugh...and laugh.

He asked if I wanted to go out for dinner.  Not in those socks!!!  I once again shared that I did not want to go out but would prefer to go out one night this week after a long day. He agreed and I fixed dinner.  The laughter helped wane the anger.

Now, Gary is in the massage chair and I am feeling tired again.  Guess I should take my iron supplements and find another reason to laugh.

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