For those reading this blog who know me, you know how much I love my husband, Gary. For those who don't know me or us....we have an immeasurable love that will have its marital anniversary of 29 years in September. I love him unconditionally. With that said....
I'm very sick of dementia. I'm frustrated with not knowing what I am going to encounter everyday. I'm tired of being tense when the phone rings wondering what is going on with my husband in any given moment. I am perturbed everytime I hear certain phrases or answers to questions. And, there is nothing I can do to stop it.
Tonight I came home from work while Gary was still walking our dog, Diva. We communicated via his Amber Alert device and I knew he was nearby on a walking trail and he seemed very happy. He was on his way home so I told him I would start dinner.
A while later, I called him again and he said he was trying to get in the house. Since I was standing on our front porch looking for him, I had to ask, "Where are you?" Perhaps he was at the wrong house? No, I could hear him responding to me from a few feet away. I walked further out on the sidewalk and saw him at the neighbors front door. He was one house away.
He came to our house and said that he wanted to go next door and explain what had happened. I asked if anyone came to the door when he knocked and he said no. Upon further questioning, he said that he was in the neighbors open garage and was trying to get in their screen door. Speechless, I was.
With that information, I agreed to go next door. The woman of the house was next door in the driveway and I explained what had happened. I told her that he has dementia and was confused and meant no harm. She stared at me as if to be a deer in approaching headlights. Suddenly, I realized that I had lived here, next to them for 1.5 years and I didn't know if she even speaks English. She clarified that she understood (Si, ella habla Ingles.) what had happened and said that everything was okay with their door.
(The blank stare was probably disbelief). We came home and then Gary worried for the next hour that he needed to go back and explain further. I told him that he had done enough and he subsequently worked himself into a frenzy. A relaxation bath is in progress. The massage chair is not enough tonight.
Further, while fixing dinner, I walked to our kitchen sink and stepped in a soaking wet foot mat. After moving all the crap out from under the sink, I found a puddle with no way of tracing its origin. It is now dry and I have run every possible water source to find the leak. Nothing. Needless to say, Gary cannot help as he has no capacity for thinking tonight.
The irony is he was SO CLEAR when I talked to him earlier.
So far, I cannot predict what triggers good or bad moments. There is no magic or science. For now, I am just numb.
Disbelief
Anger
Frustration
Melancholy
Depression
Love
Thankfulness
All words that describe the emotions felt by a in-love caregiver on any given day.
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