I hate the smell of Pine Sol.

I sometimes wonder why things happen the way they do.  I know that God has a plan but more often than not, I do not behave in such a way that is worthy of putting me in charge of this particular portion. 


I'm sitting here on a quiet Saturday afternoon abhorring the smell of Pine Sol.  As I type, my mind is confused by love, detest, anger, incontinence, loneliness, grief and confusion.


Gary and I went to the Neurologist yesterday to learn if there was any new news on his condition.  After an MRI, and EEG and extensive blood work, he appears to still have Dementia.  What an evil word.


This doctor indicated that he thought Gary was misdiagnosed almost three years ago.  He was right.  His dementia is genetic and rare due to his age.  There is no help nor hope beyond what we already have.  Gary has been referred to the University of California Irvine's Neurology Department for further testing.  It is for pure science only.  I'm not sure its worth it other than it may give answers to others.  It may help the next generation.


So today, we went to the pharmacy and Gary moved at a snail's pace.  I drug him through the store.  I fought him as he demanded to properly park the store buggy in the return spot.  I flamed as he straightened the rug in the store.  I fumed as he fixed it again.  I can't pull on him anymore as my hand hurts.  I can't motivate him with words.  I'm frustrated.


We came home and I put him down for a nap and had a drink.  After about 30  minutes, I got in the massage chair.  It comforted me until our dog, Diva came downstairs.  I knew something was wrong by the way she acted.  Upon reaching the bedroom, it was obvious  because she moved quickly out of the way.  Gary was lying on the bed, fully clothed and dry.  He said, " I'm sorry but I peed on my feet and my pants."  His crotch area was dry.......so, I turned around to see the closet door open.  It had been closed on purpose when I put him down for the nap.


Dammit.  He had opened our cabinet-enclosed dirty clothes hamper and peed in it.  (It was empty).  It ran down the cabinet and into the floor just missing my blazers.  I yelled, I questioned and I screamed.....all for naught. He has no reason other than he has Dementia.  


He is still in bed, numb, as am I.  He just can't be alone....at all.  Not unless I want a catastrophe.


I need to go apologize for yelling.  He does not deserve this.  I do not deserve this. 


I have more laundry to do now. I hate the smell of Pine Sol.


If I didn't love him so much, I would hate him.    Instead, I hate the disease.