Tuesday, July 12, 2016

I forgot to do what?

Tonight provided a new experience in my life.  A Dementia support group.  After work, I headed toward Gary's place and spent less than a half hour with him before I joined my first facility sponsored support group.

I did not say goodbye to Gary, I only said that I was going to a meeting and that I would return.  I was the next to last to enter the room so I sat through all the other participants sharing their stories about their loved ones.  They are all at varying stages of coping with the horrible disease that has devastated the family units we know.

As the stories unfolded, I found myself listening intensely with no emotion coming to my heart.  It was strangely cold as I sat there and saw people cry and pour out emotion.  I have become way too good at suppressing my emotions. 

After 1.5 hours, it was my turn.  I don't know how long it was supposed to last but I found that I wanted to go home and felt the others did, too.  I shared anyway and got a little teary eyed.  I really don't recall what part of the story I shared but others seemed to listen and truly care.  I knew when the talk turned to funny stories of events at the Unit that we were all done.

I had not had dinner and was tired and found myself in the parking garage.  It was not until I was half way home that I realized I had not gone back and said goodnight to Gary. I was not so devastated but certainly bothered by my carelessness.  During the session, it became apparent that it becomes easier to leave and to not go everyday to visit.  Tonight proved the point. I am undecided if this is something I want to become accustomed to doing.  He is my husband....shouldn't I want to see him everyday?  After all, he still knows me. 

For now, I will do what comes naturally.  Every time I see him my heart still flutters as I love him so much.  Every time I see him my heart breaks because I miss him so much.  At least my heart is still functioning despite the changes in rapidity of the pump. 

Thanks to all for your unending support.  I think part of my not reacting in support group is because I have such great support from blog readers.  Times may change as we get nearer to death, but for now....I'm okay.

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