Friday, December 16, 2016

What does the future hold for me?

Its 10 days from Christmas.  I went to visit Gary after a long day at work.  It has been a tremendously successful week. The contrast between my professional life and my personal life is the difference between night and day.  Work is incredibly "UP" and marriage life is incredibly "down".

One day earlier this week, Gary's Hospice Social Worker called me at work to tell me that she was making a routine visit and wanted to talk to me.  I was in the middle of a meeting and since she indicated it was not an emergency, I asked her if I could call her back.  Of course, it was after 5:00 when I returned the went to voicemail.

Today, in the middle of a security briefing with my faculty, she returned the call.  I asked her if I could call her back....of course, it was 5:35 before I got back to her.....voicemail.  How frustrating.  How do I do this? 

I went to visit Gary this evening and I got there after dinner.  He was wearing a shirt that does not belong to him.  It was a nice shirt, so I let it go.  I checked the label and determined there was no name.  It is always important to label everything as things get mixed in the laundry.

He was sitting at the table with Nancy and Martee and was tapping his foot on the metal base of the table.  tap. tap. tap. tap.....for 20 minutes.  I am glad these ladies have Dementia so they don't get bothered by the incessant tapping.  I could not get him to stop. So, I moved him over to the television area to watch "White Christmas".  He glanced at the t.v. every once in a while.  He was holding my hand.  He grabbed onto one of my bracelets that he gave me for an anniversary present.  He started twisting it and I thought he would break it.  I told him to stop and tried to pry his hands away.  It took all I could to get his hands to let go of the bracelet.  It was a vice grip.  I asked him why he would want to break my bracelet.

Like I thought I would get an answer.  What was I thinking?  Let it go, Ada. 

Annie the unit dog came in from outside and jumped on my lap and smothered me with kisses.  She is a sweet little dog.  She jumped over on Gary's lap and licked his face.  He had a glimmer of a smile....then it faded. She stood on the sofa next to me and kept looking at the television and then back at Gary.  It was almost as if she was telling him to watch the movie. 
Some time passed and I knew despite the hand holding and partial awareness of Gary, I had to go home.  I kissed him goodbye and told him that I would be back tomorrow in time for the morning sing-a-long.  He said that he loved me too and I left. 

I had a conversation today with a friend about the future.  I expressed that I am happy in my profession but that side of me also wants to know what is next.  I have never been one to just stay in a position and not grow.  What does the future hold?

I have committed to write a book starting in January. After that.....what?  I know the Lord will lead me as he always has.  I have to remember that my husband has a terminal illness.  He could live six months or six years....I just need to settle down and continue to love my husband.  I am committed to that and have been for 31 years.  It doesn't stop my need for personal fulfillment.....

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