Sunday, June 11, 2017
Weeping to Crying to Sobbing
I finally allowed myself to breakdown. The events leading up to this day have been mounting for weeks.
A friend said, "Ada, you are not leaning on your faith. Jesus has this. There is a wall coming at you that is very big. You are lying to yourself if you think this death will not get to you. You are really good at lying to yourself."
I said, "You are wrong. I've been grieving for Gary for years. I'll be fine. I'm okay with this."
Sure Ada. Keep telling yourself that....
So, today I went to see Gary before breakfast. As soon as I saw him I started getting emotional. He looked no different than he has for quite a while but my brain was remembering all those conversations and knowing my friend is correct.
As I fed him breakfast, I started talking to him. He stared at me as he opened his mouth for each bite. No emotion, no words, no nothing.....just chewing and swallowing. I started to weep at first. He looked at me and tears rolled down my cheeks. Grief tears....they are silent and white hot on the face.
After he finished eating, I rolled him into the living room where we could be alone. I talked to him. I really talked to him. I told him my fears and about my anger with his disease. I shared my love for him and that I was lying to him when I said I would be okay right away. I told him that I miss him everyday and that I will for a long time. I miss our talks, his advice and our jokes.
I went from weeping to crying. He looked at me and seemed to understand that the woman sitting with him was feeling a strong emotion. His forehead wrinkled for a moment. I kept myself from sobbing and dried my eyes. I moved around in front of him and took off his sandals and rubbed his feet and legs. He took his right leg away as it was apparently hurting or uncomfortable. His left leg and foot took the rubbing. He started to relax and closed his staring eyes.
He was so peaceful just a foot away from my emotional turmoil. I knew I was about to lose all comportment so I rolled him into the big room and kissed him on the forehead. He appeared asleep. I thought, "Is this the last time I will see him?" Then I realized that I should as a different question. The better question is: "Is this the last time I will see him alive on Earth?" Heaven is not that far away for any of us.
I went to the parking garage and as I opened my car, I saw a box of tissues in the floor so I reached for them and the waterworks started. It was almost as if the tissues gave me permission to take the lid off the emotions I have had screwed on so tightly. Like an oil well, my sobs gushed forth. Stop it Ada.......I stopped for a moment and called a friend who understands. That voice allowed me to cry, sob and let go. The grief tears were a welcome relief and only a small preview of what I think is still in me. I received validation that it was okay to cry. I've been through a lot of situations in the last few years so I deserve to let go.
Since 2015, I have lost 3 syblings, my Dad, my job and soon my husband. I closed a 156 year old college and laid off 200+ employees. I did a national job search, moved and started a new job in Southern California while simultaneously being a caregiver to Gary. I wrecked my car and almost died just a few months ago. I had a Cancer scare recently and will have surgery soon. I guess I am pretty tough with God's grace and mercy pulling me through all along the way.
With that said, it was time to go to church. Fix the make-up, touch up the mascara and put on my big girl face......done. Church brought all the players I needed into one space. People who care for me deeply and could see through the smile. My swollen eyes were a dead giveaway.
I will lean on them heavily in the near future, of that, I am sure.