I am okay!

For the past few weeks, I have been waking up in the early morning around 2 or 3 o'clock...no reason other than what I call Monkey Mind. Today's awakening happened at 1:58 am. I am currently sitting in my bed typing. 

These moments give one a quiet time to think, reminisce, contemplate and dream.  I often think of Gary in these times but not nearly as much since so much time has passed since he went to Memory Care.  I don't miss him here at home because I bought a house and moved since he was admitted.  He has never been here.  I have found distractions to take place of the hours I used to spend care giving.

I stopped by the pharmacy yesterday to purchase a new beard and mustache trimmer.  His old one was not working properly and he has been looking rather sloppy. In fact, some days he has pureed food stuck in his mustache.  Yuk.  To be honest, I did not buy a new trimmer before yesterday because I kept thinking he was going to die.  I didn't see the point.  How selfish of me.  

So, I bought a new one and proceeded to the visit.  He was awake and in the living room of the unit.  He was watching the other residents in a planned activity of batting each other with "noodles" or Styrofoam sticks.  I took him in his room and used the new tool.  He looked much better and more like my former Gary.

There is a void in his eyes that is bigger and deeper than the immediate past.  As many of you know, I have really struggled and belabored in the past few months wondering why he is still hanging out here on Planet Earth.

This past week, I had some help from our CPA and together, we figured it out....quite by accident.  For 10 years, this woman has prepared our taxes and has seen the height and depth of Gary's business ventures.  I asked her what my tax hit was going to be related to a recent transaction because I was expecting heavy capital gains.  I knew it could be steep and I wanted to properly plan for April 15.

She asked many questions, prodded the facts and figures and had a revelation.  She indicated that we had a significant investment loss a few years back that we could never claim as we did not have the income to offset it.  We can use it this year and there will be no significant tax hit.  She also said that had Gary died already, I would not have been able to use 50% of it.  All things considered, Gary is saving me six figures.  She said to me, "Ada, that is why he is still here.  You know Gary, he was always finding loopholes and he just gave you another one!"

At that moment, while reveling in the truth, I felt the most quiet, contented peace.  I have continued to feel it all week.  The angst of why Gary is hanging on no longer bothers me.  It feels good to be free of that disturbing wonder.

So, today at church I will be lighting the Advent Candle with another lady from the congregation.  Another chapter of my life on the new adventure of being a "single" begins. 

I am okay!