Finding my True North

Many years ago when we lived in the Bay Area of California, we spent nearly every weekend sailing on San Francisco Bay.  In the beginning, I hated it.  Taking sailing lessons was incredibly HARD work because if you weren't doing it correctly, pulling the lines and adjusting the sails was difficult. 

We learned to sail in preparation for the then coming Y2K crisis.  Remember that?  We knew that if the world as we knew it went to hell-in-a-hand-basket that we would have enough skills and supplies to sail out the Delta, under the Golden Gate and off to paradise.  Needless to say, that never happened.  However, nearly $15k later and a gazillion hours on the bay, we were accomplished sailors.  Except for one thing.


Navigation.  Sure, its easy with a GPS.  But, what if....you are out at sea and lighting takes out your electronics.  Your backup GPS got zapped, too.  So, one must know the old fashioned way of navigating the currents, waves and stars.  We took a navigation class at the local Sailing Club which had never failed us.  (Especially the time I ran one of the boats in to the Berkeley Reef and knocked a gash in the keel.  That is a story for another day.)


I failed the Navigation class with a miserable "F".  I just didn't get it.  Not the math, not the calculations....it just took my breath away and for a while, combined with getting my hand caught in a traveler and sustaining an injury that hurts to this day, I almost quit sailing.


There was one concept of navigation that I did understand and that was the Concept of "True North". Find the following description from Webster's Online helpful:


"True north differs from magnetic north, which varies from place to place and over time due to local magnetic anomalies. A magnetic compass almost never shows true north. In fact over millions of years, magnetic north wanders considerable and occasionally reverses so that the magnetic north pole has been near the geographic south pole at some periods in the earth's history. In the arctic region, a magnetic compass is not very useful.
To find true north from a magnetic compass you have to know the local magnetic variation and how it is varying over time. For ordinary folk this is difficult (although good maps will have magnetic deviation marked on them).
















From Websters Online
Finding true north is essential for accurate navigation. Hence the metaphor.  In life's journey we are often uncertain where we stand, where we are going and what is the right path for us personally. Knowing our true north would enable us to follow the right path."




As a person, I always understood that my True North seemed to be my husband Gary.  He taught me so much about love, life, business and now in his Dementia, how to be a caregiver. 


I always relied on him.  If I was ever having a bad day, I would connect with him and he would put me right back on track, like a reliable compass. 


Now, I realize who I thought was my True North is no longer a viable tool.  Just like a GPS on a boat that has been disabled by lightning, Gary has been disabled by Dementia.  So, what is my back up compass?  Good question and I have an answer.


This morning while watching a televangelist (impossible to take Gary to church), I heard that our True North is really God.  Well, duh.  I can pretend all day that I didn't know that already but I'm not that talented an actress or writer.  God is in control of all this that we call life. My brain and anxiety relaxed ten fold. 


It is important to me that I remember this concept when the waves are crashing and we are headed upwind with a strong current in the fog.  Just turn on the back up GPS and set it to True North. 


Many might ask what this has to do with staying sane as a wife whose husband is experiencing the day to day Hell of dementia.  It has everything to do with it.  I hope that any reader of this blog never has to find out how it feels.  Meanwhile, tune into your True North and enjoy the sail.

Confusion: Wife versus daughter

Gary and I had plans to attend the Rancho Cordova Christmas Tree Lighting event on Sunday evening.  Since we are so close, we decided to walk.  So, since it was chilly outside, we bundled up.  I made sure Gary had his phone and I carried mine....just in case. 


Right before we left Gary asked if he should call Ada and tell her to meet us at the park.   I told him that I am Ada.  He looked at me with a rather funny, inquisitive look and said, "I know you are Ada but I'm talking about my wife, Ada Mae."  I knew I was fighting a losing battle but attempted to explain who I was, repeating that we have been married 29 years and that we have never been separated.  I thought we were experiencing the confusion from last week when he thought I was his new wife.  No, he thought I am his daughter, Heather but named Ada for now....


As we walked the .7 mile to the park, Gary pulled out his cell phone and called my cell phone, so I answered.  He got angry that I was answering Ada's cell phone.  After multiple attempts to reach "her", I decided to let the phone go to voicemail.  He left her an extensive message telling her that we would meet her at the Christmas Tree lighting and that once we got there, he would call her back and tell her where to meet us.


At this point, I just accepted his confusion and tried not to feel anything.  During the mini-concert and throughout the event, he could not understand why Ada was not calling him.  I repeatedly explained that I was indeed Ada and I was not going to call him back since I was sitting next to him.  He wasn't getting it.


The tree was lit and the snow and whole event was wonderful.  We proceeded to walk home.  It was very cold and then I realized that he had left his gloves somewhere....another loss.  And those were his good gloves.  (Note to self:  don't buy anything expensive for him...its a waste of money)


We got home and fixed dinner.  The confusion went on for over an hour and he kept calling me Ada but thinking I was Heather (only named Ada).  I got fed up and went into the office to work on the computer.  He called on the cell and I answered.  He asked where I had been and why I had not come to the tree lighting.  (he was in the other room and could not see me).  I explained that I was in our office and he needed to come in and see me.  He did, saw me on the phone and realized who I was.  He went back into the den and announced that his daughter had left. 


I again tried to explain and ended up calling Heather.  She told him that she had been home all day and had not been here.  He sort of got it but spent the rest of the evening telling me about the tree lighting and what a good time they had.


The next morning, he was fine.  I told him that it hurt my feelings but that I understand that he cannot help it.  He hugged me, apologized and we took him to the CLUB.  He had a great day.






































Santa visited the CLUB and Gary told him that he wanted a 40ft sailboat for Christmas.  As a good friend said, "After all, a 60 footer is just too much to handle."


Maybe I'm a little slow, but I am starting to realize that spending time trying to convince him of reality or trying to get him to act differently or have things make sense is just frustrating both of us.  I just need to let go and relax.  Yes, that is what I will practice....yes, that is a good solution for now.


Guess I better start shopping for the yacht.

Lost dreams......sailing around the world.....

 

In 1998, Gary heard about the pending Y2K dilemma.  The belief by millions in those days was that the computers that were not programmed to function well beyond midnight 1999, would actually cause the world to shut down and there would be may chaos, government shutdowns, riots, etc. Of course, since Gary has always leaned toward the dramatic side of life and is a wee bit gullible, we had to prepare!!!

 

I clearly remember living at the Pittsburg Marina and discussing what would happen when the electricity goes out, food runs out and all the people who left San Francisco and Oakland walked east that they could end up HUNGRY at our house.  What would we do?  Options included: having heavy artillery at the house to protect us; Buying a tractor trailer and having a destination in the mountains where we could hunker down; having enough food to last us two years with significant water storage.  So many solutions but none seemed right. 

 

Gary looked out our back door and saw the perfect solution.  "What about a sailboat?"  I replied, "Fine, except for two problems:  1) we don't own a boat and 2) we don't know how to sail."  For those of you who know my husband, you know what is coming....sailing lessons started the next weekend.

 

Now, I don't mean in-the-local-pond Hobie cat kind of sailing lessons.  I mean U.S. Sailing Association Basic Keelboat 1 sailing lessons on San Francisco Bay.  Gary did all the research and came up with a plan.  In his mind, we could finish all 7 levels of the U.S. Sailing certifications before 2000 hit and we would be ready to sail a boat out of the Pittsburg CA harbor and out under the Golden Gate Bridge and go anywhere in the world via sailboat.

 

The first class was two full weekends on the Bay, learning, drilling, sailing and taking classes.  One must also know that I am deathly afraid of water, so staying in the boat was a real need for me!!!  So, I am afraid of water and he is asking me to learn to pilot a 24 foot sailboat that is right on the water.  The winds on the Bay during our first lesson was about 20 knots......that is where the waves have white caps.  I was terrified.  But, I learned, didn't die and unbelievably, went back the second weekend.  We both passed Basic Keelboat one....right on schedule.  We became die-hard sailors. 

 

 

Gary didn't talk to the sailing school before we unfolded this whole plan and found that our plan was aggressive.....way too aggressive.  Anyway, we soon started Basic Keelboat II.  Also, another two full days each weekend for 2 weeks.  Exhausting and very difficult for two people who have never sailed.  We had to do many private charters to get in sailing hours.  We did.  We passed. The clock was ticking away. 

 

Gary on one of our SF Bay charters....sailing in McCovey Cove outside of Pacific Bell Park in SF.

 

 

We bought and stored 2 years worth of food, candles, fuel and all necessary supplies to outfit a boat.  (We didn't have one)

 

We continued taking all the sailing lessons and next took Bareboat Charter.  We learned more techniques, man overboard drills, and navigation than I can even remember.  We chartered boats every weekend with other certified sailors so we could get in charter hours.  We passed Bareboat and again, were now certified at three levels. We were in almost $10,000 but could both charter boats and handle it in fair weather and heavy storm situations.  I failed Navigation class.  Of course, using a GPS was easy, but if no land systems worked, GPSs would not work, right?  It was a huge setback.  I took Navigation class 3 times and just could not nail it!  We were not going to make the deadline of all classes.  Had to re-work, realistically, the plan.

 

Ada at the helm of a Sailboat I actually later ran aground on the Berkeley Reef on SF Bay.

 

Meanwhile, we were not only sailing (exhausting) every weekend, but we were also boat shopping ......I mean seriously.  Gary had the dream to sell the house, quit my job, close our business at the time and sail out the SF bay to parts unknown.  Full-timer cruisers are a special breed.  We were headed that way.

 

 Gary was passionate about this and nothing else.  We never bought the boat.  It was an Amel 53 foot Super Maramu....went to Southern California and looked at it. We did not have the money and decided that if things got that bad, we could offer up our "stores" to other cruisers and trade our sailing skills for passage.  Or, we could steal a boat and take off. (Steal a boat, really?)

 

Well, Y2k came and went....the world did not go any crazier than it would have otherwise.  It was rather anti-climatic.  Disappointing actually. 

 

I lost interest in the dream.  We went through a very hard period over the fact that I did not want to leave my job and be a cruiser.  I could not get my head around it.  He wanted to go cruising and then when we aged, sell the boat and buy a house in the mountains.  I agreed to go if we bought the house in the mountains first so I knew we had a fall back plan.  (Thus, the whole Panamanian experience...that is another blog) We built the house and somehow, slowly, the dream started dying. 

 

We chartered alot less.  Every single time I ever went sailing, I got sick on the drive to Berkeley from where we sailed.  I mean nauseous.  I never got over it until I got behind the wheel or in front of a tiller.  I was fine on the water.  Gary never understood my fear.  I decided to go out on my own, without him to prove to myself that I was also an accomplished sailor.  I attended two years worth of women's sailing seminars.  On the last one, the boat I was on had the owner (a man) and six other women who had never sailed before that day and were there to see if they liked it. The transmission died in the boat and the owner had to stay down in the hull and manually change the gears to forward and reverse based on my commands from the deck. I had to bring the boat to the dock yelling commands down to him.  I had never done this...... I nailed the landing and did not even bump the boat on the dock.  I was really good.

 

The following weekend, Gary and I went out with a large group for a refresher course.  I was at the helm and got my hand caught in the traveler (the piece of equipment that moves the large boom from one side of the boat to the other) and was injured pretty badly.   That was in August of 2002.  In February 2003, we moved to Virginia for my career.

 

We would not sail again for four years since we moved to Virginia and had no access to our type of water.  Somewhere in those four years, the dream died all together.  I somehow think that disappointment is part of the dying of Gary.  He gave up for a long time after that.  He went into Real Estate then and we started new dreams. 

 

Four + years later, we moved back to California and rejoined the Sailing Club. We took a refresher course and I performed very well and remembered most everything.  Gary forgot many things.  Confidence lost.  Dream dead.  That was a horrible day. Looking back....that day should have been my first clue regarding the memory loss.  How could he forget the basics of what he loved so much?