Traveling with a person with Dementia

Going on vacation with someone with Dementia is a new experience.  Gary and I went to Yosemite National Park last week for a few days to celebrate my birthday.  It is a place we have visited many times and know locations, attractions, restaurants, etc. very well.

I did all the packing and planning for the adventure which would include renting a cabin, cooking two meals per day (cabin was remote and not near restaurants), hiking, walking and chilling out.  In retrospect, I way over-packed but feel good about it as I never know when Gary will need layers.....too hot, too cold, etc.

For the 3.5 hour drive, he asked a gazillion questions.  Where are we going?

• When will we get there?
• Why are you driving so fast?
• Why are you driving so slowly?
• Can I drive?  Why not? (I explained at least 10 times that he no longer has a valid drivers license due to the dementia...he hates that answer and still does not accept it)
• When are we stopping for lunch?
• Why are we going to Yosemite?

We stopped for lunch in Oakhurst, a small town outside of the park for Pizza buffet.  I could not control his portions and he piled his plate VERY High with salad and stacked his second plate with cinnamon sticks and garlic bread.  He did not get pizza at first as he did not turn around to see the entire buffet behind him.  This lack of awareness of his surroundings is very common.  His tunnel vision is sometimes scary but mostly inconvenient.

We arrived at the cabin and he asked why we were not staying at the Ahwahnee hotel again.  I explained that the rooms there were much more expensive than the $200 per night cabin we had rented.  He dropped the subject as I asked him to assist me in bringing firewood into the cabin.

I unpacked while he familiarized himself with the cabin.  Throughout the stay, he often had to ask the location of the bathroom in the two room cabin.  One night, I awoke to have the cabin totally dark since he turned off all the lights.  He could not find the light switch nor get back to the bed.  I grumbled and complained and found the light to get him back to the bed.  Of course, in that period of time, he had gotten very cold and spent the rest of the night complaining that he could not get warm enough. ARGH!!!!

On my birthday, we went to the Yosemite Valley and walked to the Lower Yosemite Falls.  The drought conditions are horrible!  We have been to this area of the valley so many times when the water was abundant.  I commented on the horrible state of stress and by Gary's comments, I could tell, he did not recognize the change.  He was just enjoying himself and the beauty that was there.

The next day, we hiked a very easy hike to the Mariposa Grove of Giant Sequioas!  It was an easy .8 mile hike up and .8 back down to the bus.  As always, we were dressed appropriately in hiking pants, layers and with a hiking stick.  Four years ago, Gary and a group of friends hike up the back slope of Half Dome....a very grueling hike.  THis year, I was in the lead and often times had to stop and wait on him.  He seemed fearful of walking on the gravel and was afraid of falling.  I slowed to a crawl and walked with him.  He wanted to stop and talk to everyone on the trail. 

While friendliness on the trail is normal, his version is over the top.  Many of the visitors were not English speaking and he did not seem to recognize foreign accents and the fact that many did not understand his language nor his random, often non-sensical share-outs.  I tried to explain but finally gave up and let him experience people looking at him as if he is crazy.  Moving along seemed to solve the problem.

While hiking, I had to take inventory of my feelings regarding traveling with him in the future.  Planning needs to be extensive or plan to not take him at all.  He enjoys himself except for when something foreign to his brain happens and then he gets confused.  Confusion leads to frustration and that to yelling or uncomfortable situations.  I am not sure what to do for our 30th anniversary later this year......we have always done a spectacular trip on the "big" anniversaries. For example:

5th anniversary:  big trip to Yosemite
10th anniversary:  Windjammer cruise to the Carribean
15th anniversary:  11 day backpacking trip to Yosemite and renewed vows
20th anniversary:  Windjammer Pirate Cruise and 10 days in St. Lucia
25th anniversary:  Visited our home in Panama and toured Costa Rica for a week

30th anniversary???   At this point, who knows? I will keep you all posted as I ponder what might work. 

Yep, my husband has dementia.

On Saturday, Gary and I ran some errands, got our haircut and drove home through a mega storm.  He was a little foggy all day but in some ways more clear than he has been in a while.

There was no discussion regarding the date or day of the week.  While we were eating dinner, he asked if we were driving to Elk Grove to Cornerstone Church.  Not only did he know the day but the name and location of our church.  There were several other conversations throughout the night that had similar awareness clues. 

I have been experimenting with Medium Chain Triglycerides as a treatment.  I will keep you all posted on the progression of this treatment. It is based on Coconut Oil.
I could only attribute this improvement to this treatment.  It was clear but short-lived.

Today was a whole different story.  I knew upon saying "good morning" that his reaction was one of sluggishness and slow-moving actions toward getting ready for church. We made it to the 10:30 service and he was very distracted during the service even though he grasped the content.

It was raining "cats and dogs" as I slowly drove home.  Traffic and the storm made coming home very stressful. I explained several times that we had to pre-pack for our trip next weekend.  5 or 6 times, I reiterated that our granddaughter is getting married in Fresno and that we need to leave on Friday.  He asked a few questions but did not get the concept as I started to get out socks, ties, etc. He got very agitated and at one point said, "Excuse me, why are you in Ada's closet?" 

"I am Ada." 

"No, you're not.  How am I going to explain to Ada that you are packing clothes from her closet?" 

"I am Ada.  Who do you think I am?"

With a  slightly sheepish look, he responded, "You are my wife."  When I inquired about my name, he looked right at me and said the name of his third wife "AnnaMaria." 

I laughed as that was a new one.  Normally, he thinks I am Kurla (wife #2) or his daughter Heather.  I explained the order of the marriages and the time frame of divorces and our marriage of 29 years.  He looked at me as if I had horns.

He was lying on the bed and seemed very sleepy.  I suggested a nap.  He agreed and I stretched on the bed beside him. He reached over and hugged my nose which is a long standing touch of endearment that we have shared.  Since this was such a familiar touch, I asked if he knew who I was.  He said that I was Ada.  When asked of our relationship he said, "You are somebody from the past but I'm not sure." This week, Heather posted a picture of herself, her Mom (Kurla) and her daughter, Samantha.  I showed him and explained that at the wedding, he may really get confused because we will all be there....in one room.  He said that situation should be interesting.  I dropped the subject and we slept.

I awoke before him and started dinner.  He came to the kitchen and I could tell by his look and greeting that he was back to "normal".  Curiosity had me. "Honey, can you tell me my name and our relationship?"

"You are Ada Mae and you are my wife."  I finished the sentence with "the best wife of your life."  He smiled and said "Of course!"

As I reflected over the earlier scenario, I felt a twinge of sadness for the memories we have shared, as I know many of them are in his head but confused with other things.  At least I still have them and can recall them if he should have moments of wanting to know.

He sat tonight and wrote a note in a Valentine and gave it to me early.  The note makes sense and is full of love.  However, his once particular and perfect hand writing is starting to morph into a sloppier, larger form.  That is another sign....yep, my husband has dementia.

The Christmas Present that just keeps on giving me stress!

When Gary was a teenager, he was a very accomplished drummer.  He was in a band for several years until he broke his wrist in a fall and somehow drifted away from the hobby. 

He is now 66.  When we lived in the Bay Area, he celebrated many birthdays but on one of his birthdays (in his late 40s), I rented a rehearsal studio for him, complete with a drum set and he played for almost 4 hours.  I never forgot how happy he was during that time.  So, when he announced that he wanted a drum set for Christmas, my heart gave in to the whim. 

The week before Christmas, I started shopping online and found many drum sets for purchase.  I picked out 4 and showed him.  While looking at them, I noticed an ad on the side page for an electronic set.  I pointed out the option and after much studying, he decided that was his choice. The electronic set was ordered to be delivered on Christmas Eve. During all this I realized that the drum set did not include a throne or stool to sit on. I ordered it separately for delivery after Christmas.  I should have known this purchase was too easy.

The LARGE box arrived on Christmas Eve as ordered.  I am always amazed at how Santa fits all those items in such a tiny sleigh....  I was more amazed when we opened the box on Christmas Day that the entire set was packed carefully in 10 boxes and puzzled into one large box.  I did not pay a lot of attention to how the boxes came out of the large box as my Dad and Gary unpacked most of them.  Now, for the directions. 

Gary is pretty much a pain in the butt when it comes to assembling anything.  His mechanical skills which were formerly well-honed have all but disappeared.  Dad and I took over and after about 4 hours, assembled the stands, drums and various pieces.  (I am omitting the yelling, frustration, curse words, perspiration and crying from the story.  All from me, of course.  My Dad was an angel in this situation.) 

Gary sat down the play the drums.  There was no sound.  Dang it!  After more research, we determined around 9:00 that night that it needed either headphones (for private playing) or speakers.  NOT INCLUDED.  I explained this to Gary and we decided to visit Best Buy the following day to purchase both. 

After returning from Best Buy the following afternoon, it was determined that both the speakers and the headphones worked but not to Gary's liking.  "Why didn't you just get me a regular set of drums liked I asked?  Send them back." 



The words were deafening.  Really?  After all that assembly, upset and unrest and you want to return them?  Well, after all, it was a $400 dollar purchase and if he is not going to use them, well, I will send them back to the store.

My father and I started to disassemble the electronic drums.  Much to our chagrin, we realized that all those components had to go back into the exact box from whence they came and the box needed to be placed carefully back into the Large BOX in the exact same position.  How disheartening that was!

Hours later.......I am ready to leave my husband and go to the mountains to be a hermit.  Had my father not been there helping and calming me, I may have really left.

At one point, I was so stressed over getting all boxes back into the box that he looked at me and said, "Why don't you walk away and let me do this?"  How magical that moment was for me.

I walked away for a while and heard Gary say, "Why are you packing up my drums?"  He had forgotten why the drums were not suitable for him.

Dad and I sealed the box he had finished and put it by the front door for its pick up by the same poor fed-ex guy who delivered it the first time.  It sat for three days, in the way, awaiting its pick up.  What a sore issue it was. Finally, one evening around 7, the door bell rang and the carrier took away the drums.  He also delivered another box....the separately ordered drum throne!  I put it aside and thought nothing more of it.   I'll return it another time.  I was at my limit.

Call me crazy, but I felt guilty that I returned Gary's Christmas present and not replaced it.  Several times, he asked when his new drums would arrive.  So, I looked on the Internet the day following the return of the electronic set.  I went to Amazon and found 10 sets of equal price to the first set and showed them to Gary.  His response was that the drums I was searching were not good enough and that the cymbals needed to be made by Zildjian.  That added several hundred dollars to the purchase.  NO WAY>  I got over my guilt rapidly and told him we would have to keep shopping. 

It was not the money.  It was the point. 

So, Mr. Gary, you will need to wait.  Sure.....another week.  I went back to the Internet, found the "perfect" drums and ordered them.  They arrived and on this past Saturday, I put them together.  I know nothing about drums.  I know nothing of high hats, toms, etc.  Of course, the set did not include directions. 

Luckily, I found videos on the Internet that showed how to set up a similar set.  Of course,the variations were not explained and I had to look at still pictures, zoom in and blow up the picture to see intricacies of the pieces.  For example:

How does one get the piece attached that holds the drum onto the cymbal pole thingy and make it NOT dump over from the weight of the drum?  

YouTUBE does not have a question and answer forum.  So, I used the best source of knowledge I had in the house.....Gary.  I convinced him that this project was not overwhelming and that if he used logic he could help me.  Of course, he knew. Change the center of gravity and mount the darn thing lower!  When asked how to make the high hat pedal work, he instantly rearranged the pieces and it worked like he had done it everyday.

The drums are assembled.  The boxes have been destroyed.  Guess what?  I even kept the drum throne ordered for the first set so he can sit at the drums and play as much as he wants.  He did just that yesterday.  He just needs to practice again and again.  The drummer boy is still in there.  He was smiling.

After about an hour of playing by himself, he came into the office and said, "There is just one more problem. "  When asked what now, he responded, "My leg hurts from pounding the pedal against the big drum."

After more questioning, we determined that his muscles were sore and there was nothing "WRONG" with the drums.  Sorry dear, you will just have to keep practicing and build up those muscles.  Amazon can't fix that!

Glad that adventure is DONE! 

 

 

A Morning Daydream

I took last week off to prepare the house for moving.  Gary and I spent the entire time together. I really got to see his strengths and weaknesses.  One thing learned, the calmer and less stressed I am, the better he functions.

He cannot handle stress, conflict or realizing that he is not thinking clearly.  If given a simple task and the freedom to ask lots of questions (repetitive questions), he can remain calm and function okay.  Most days....impossible.

He is very disagreeable when it comes to hiring an assistant.  I need to do final paperwork but will do in the morning.  An assistant can start on Thursday for four hour stretches. Its expensive.  But not as expensive as some of the possible alternatives.

This morning I awoke to a sleeping Gary.  For a few minutes I imagined that it was many years ago before his disease.  I envisioned going down for coffee and bringing it back to him in bed.  For this part of the dream, he sat up, said good morning and was clear, perfectly clear.  We talked about everything that happened in the last week...he remembered everything.  We talked about the future and our house in Panama. We planned some more trips to foreign ports and we just talked.  I did not have to remind him of anything.  I did not have to repeat myself twenty times before we went to church about what the day would bring.  We spent the day just talking and being in love.

But, I realized I was daydreaming.  When he did awaken, he said a sleepy "good morning."  He also asked what day it is; what is planned for the day?  I went down and made breakfast and got ready for church.  The rest of the day was normal...well, normal for 2014.

Happy anniversary honey.

 

Preparing to move is a less than desirable activity = Moving Sucks!

On September 9, Gary and I will have been married for 29 years.  In that time, we have moved to different places of domicile 25 times (it might be more, I lost count and he doesn't remember anymore, so I can't ask him).  In November, we will move again to a house very near the college where I work. 

In the past, when we moved, Gary always took the lead on the packing, sorting, etc.  When we sold our house nearly two years ago, he was no longer capable and I took the lead.  Since I ran out of time, we packed most of what we really needed to purge and not move again.  So, now, we face either purging our junk or moving it again.  NO way. This time, I am in charge.

So, this year, instead of going on vacation we decided to stay home and organize, purge and get ready for packing.  We started Saturday having Gary try on all the pants in his closet to see what is too small.  We gave away twenty pairs of slacks and jeans.  He hung in there pretty well through his own closet, but got a little stressed when it came time for mine.

Gary assisted by taking my "too small forever" clothes out of the closet and folded or hung them as I tried on the next outfit.  This process took us hours. He really liked helping and making a difference.  Since the clothes were going to charity, I made a spreadsheet of new and used value for tax reasons.  Between yesterday and today, we gave away nearly $10,000 worth of professional clothing. 

Yesterday morning, we hauled it all to the American Cancer Society Discovery Store after church,  It took us 20 minutes to unload it all.  Gary kept saying, "why don't you just lose weight?"  That is a great question Gary.....   We then headed to Applebees for all you can eat ribs.

     

When we got home, we spent the rest of the day purging and organizing our giant pantry.  This space does not exist in the new house.  In fact, we are not sure what we are going to do with all the stuff.....perhaps we need to make a second sweep of each room.

By the end of the day, we were both exhausted and overwhelmed. Those two feelings are not a good mixture.  I got very irritated at everything Gary did or didn't do.  We should have stopped but we kept going.  He was really started to not process well and reached a point where he said, "Honey, I need to be blatantly honest with you.  I have been thinking of divorcing you." 

That is a new one.  It hit me like a ton of bricks.  After twenty minutes of crying, screaming, yelling and then calming myself to explain to him why divorce is not a good option for us.  Especially since we love each other so much and that his dementia had just kicked into high gear. He was frustrated and that was a programmed response from three other marriages.

He snapped and realized what he said and how much he had hurt me.  He spent the rest of the evening telling me that he never really meant it and testifying to his love for me.   I knew all that.  I appreciated the apologies and the extensive foot rub.  :)

Today was productive and not quite as painful.  We are both beat up and tired.  Crock pot Chicken and Dumplings saved the day with an easy dinner. 

The rest of the week will include cleaning out Gary's workshop and the garage.  That will take two days if we work at a fast pace. 

One thing I do know:  I cannot have him here while I have movers pack and unpack this house.  One of us will suffer irreparable damage.  At least I have until November to figure it out.  Anybody want to volunteer to take him on vacation?

Voicemail messages...this is your husband

"Hey honey, this is your husband." 
"Hey honey."
"Hey there."
"Hey."

These are all greetings I have in my voicemail messages from Gary.  Hundreds of them.  All the beginnings are similar.  Of course, messages followed with contents like the following:

• Where are the keys to the BMW? (Gary's license was invalidated by the state when he was diagnosed with dementia and I have to hide the keys because he does not accept the decision and appeal.)
• Where are the plates?
• I can't find Diva's water bowl.
• The bus is late.
• If you don't tell where the BMW keys are, I will hot wire the car, do you understand?
• I can't find my wallet.
• The maids stole my wallet.
• Is my wallet in your car?
• I'm sitting in the massage chair and I can't turn on the television.
• Is there anything you need me to pick up at the store? (He can't drive, remember?)
• Is there enough room in the new house for us and the kids?
• Have I told you lately how much I love you.
• I can't find the green pepper plant.  Is it in the yard?
• I just left you a message to tell you I love you.
• I want you to take me to the DMV so I can take my driver's test.
• Can you tell me where to find Diva's poop bags?
• I need the credit card number....
• I have a customer service rep on the phone and I need the credit card....
• Diva and I walked a really long way, can you come get us?
• I applied for a medical job today.  Why won't you let me get a job? 

Everyday is the same.  Everyday is different.  No worse, no better.

I am starting to interview companions for him for when he is home on Thursday and Friday.  I haven't told him yet....not sure how I am going to present that idea. 

Here is the job description:  "....must have computer skills, be bonded, be able to walk two+ miles and keep a 65 year old, high-functioning dementia victim out of trouble..."

A day of self imposed anger

Today was rather odd.  I was the one who was overwhelmed, upset and funky all day, not Gary.

For a couple of days, I have felt really tired, achy and down.  Not depressed really, just low key and found it hard to find a happy place.  Sad commentary for a Christian, but true.

I awoke this morning after 10 hours of sleep to the smell of hot coffee.  Gary was downstairs making breakfast. Awesome, I didn't feel like it.  When the alarm sounded, I picked up the Galaxy to turn it off and saw news of the Napa earthquake.  I went downstairs to watch television to see the latest.  Its hard to believe that is has been 25 years since Loma Prieta.  So much water has washed under the bridge since then.

After breakfast, I took a shower and still felt really weird...just kind of angry but not sure why.  When it was time to leave for church we melted into an argument and I left saying, "We better go to church and pray...we sure need it."  By the time we arrived at church I was in full meltdown.  I told Gary to go in and get coffee while I cooled down in the car.  After a few moments, I joined him and said good morning to everyone before going into the sanctuary.

I always soften in church.  We have the good Lord to thank for that softening.  After church, we went to eat lunch and for groceries.  Everything Gary did disturbed me.  When he forgot a napkin and I had to go back in to the restaurant, I got angry. 

While we ate, I asked him to take off his husband hat off and be my friend for a few minutes.  I needed advice.  How do I handle a life partner with dementia?  How do I handle the anger created from his disease and my life not being what I want or signed up for?  How do I get relief?  The answer came back with no answers.  He basically left me alone to deal with my emotions....only he was sitting there the whole time.

When he did not move a cup out of the car when I asked him to before the bottom fell out and got soda on the car, it aggravated me.  He didn't even ask for clarification.  After 500 little things, I just shut down.

All the way home, I said nothing. I fumed.  We came home and I went to sleep.  The 2.5 hour nap left me wanting more sleep.  He took his GPS, telephone, wallet and Camelback and went on a very long TRIKKE ride.  I followed his movements on the GPS while I paid bills.  My thoughts were scattered but still angry. 

He came home and took a shower while I sat in the massage chair. When he emerged from upstairs, he had on a beautiful new golf shirt, silk shorts, knee-high dress socks and black dress loafers.  He never looked goofier and like an old tourist.   I couldn't help but laugh...and laugh...and laugh.

He asked if I wanted to go out for dinner.  Not in those socks!!!  I once again shared that I did not want to go out but would prefer to go out one night this week after a long day. He agreed and I fixed dinner.  The laughter helped wane the anger.

Now, Gary is in the massage chair and I am feeling tired again.  Guess I should take my iron supplements and find another reason to laugh.

Last night's dream.....

I awoke last night with the following song pounding in my head.  I dreamed that Gary was a lot further along in his dementia and I was singing this as a result of him being mentally "gone".

Lyrics written by John Waite (most famously performed by Tina Turner)

"Everytime I think of you, I always catch my breath
And I'm still standing here, and you're miles away
And I'm wonderin' why you left
And there's a storm that's raging through my frozen heart tonight

I hear your name in certain circles, and it always makes me smile
I spend my time thinkin' about you, and it's almost driving me wild
And there's a heart that's breaking down this long distance line tonight

I ain't missing you at all since you've been gone away
I ain't missing you, no matter what I might say

There's a message in the wire, and I'm sending you this signal tonight
You don't know how desperate I've become
And it looks like I'm losing this fight
In your world I have no meaning, though I'm trying hard to understand
And it's my heart that's breaking down this long distance line tonight

Chorus:
I ain't missing you at all since you've been gone away
I ain't missing you, no matter what my friends say
And there's a message that I'm sending out, like a telegraph to your soul
And if I can't bridge this distance, stop this heartbreak overload

(chorus)

I ain't missing you, I ain't missing you, I can lie to myself

And there's a storm that's raging through my frozen heart tonight

(chorus)

Ain't missing you, I ain't missing you
I ain't missing you, I can lie to myself
Ain't missing you, I ain't missing you
I ain't missing you, I ain't missing you
I ain't missing you, I ain't missing you, ain't missing you, oh no
No matter what my friends might say, I ain't missing you... "

So, is this type of heartbreak in my future?  I sure hope not....

Unnecessary Resistance

Sundays are special days that Gary and I share together, starting with praising our Lord.
This morning we slept a little later than normal after an exhaustive evening of trying to find my Galaxy 5 charger that Gary moved to plug in his electric shaver.  No problem as long as he leaves what he unplugs nearby.....I still don't know where he found it but he did.  We also cannot find the electrical cord for the new neck massager.  This house is not that big.

We ate spicy sausage gravy and biscuits for breakfast and then headed out to church. THe music today was spectacular and Pastor Jerry was "on".  One of my favorite parts of the service was watching the family of four in front of us.  Two young teen girls and their mother were singing, holding each other, holding hands, hugging and happy.  THe one girl reached out for her dad to make sure he was included in the praise.  It was such a geniune, beautiful expression of their love for Christ.  I got pretty choked up.  To me, it was how we should all be everyday and probably how Jesus feels when we praise him.

The service taught me again about leaning on Jesus because he died for us.  He took away the chains if we just realize it.  So, of course, I started thinking about Gary and our relationship.  It is so filled with love.  At the same time, filled with a lot of pain, torment, confusion, frustration, disappointment, etc.  In reality....we choose to see it that way. 

I think of times when I get frustrated with Gary and yell or push him more than I should.  That is MY problem.  I am still healthy and should understand that he cannot help the things he does.  He can't remember, Ada. He loses things.....so what?

After church we headed to the mall for the first time in the seven years we have lived in Elk Grove.  I needed to buy two gifts for some friends.  Gary helped my navigate through the jewelry sections at Macy's and Norstrom until I found the right gifts.  He was a great help and has very nice taste.  I hope my friends like the gifts he so carefully chose.  Of course, he wanted to buy me something, but it was not my day for gifts.

We discussed our upcoming move quite a bit and he was helpful in planning rooms, etc.  He was "on" today.  Thanks, Lord.

We went out for lunch and then home for a nap.  No frustration today.  We sat out and enjoyed the sunset while we ate popcorn and fake beer for dinner.  (its nice to not have to be a role model for any children).

 

He is enjoying the massage chair while I write.  If I can just remember what I learned and realized today, maybe I am one step closer to better managing the situation.  Where I run into trouble is when I try to take control when in actuality, God is in control anyway.  I am just providing unnecessary resistance.  Right?

Lost items no longer lost.....we are giving them to society instead!

Last night during dinner, Gary said that he had bought me a present on the way home.  I said thank you and asked him where it was.  He didn't know.


"Honey, where did you buy it?"
"Target, its really nice.  But, I can't give it to you." 
I asked some detail questions and decided he had bought me something and lost it between the cash register, the bus and home.  He had searched the WHOLE house and was quite frustrated.


He then announced (at 7:30) that we needed to go to Target so he could show me what he had bought me.  I told him that I was tired and it would be better if he just told me what he had purchased.  "Its the thought that counts, so don't worry about it."

He got very indignant and said that it did matter and that we NEED TO GO TO Target.  I convinced him that we could do it today on the way to CLUB/work since the Target he is referencing in 10 miles away but on the way to where we are going anyway.  He settled for that option.


This morning, bright and early, we headed out to our normal locations and stopped by Target.  He went to the jewelry counter and found that there were no other earrings like those he had purchased.  I said that I really don't need anymore earrings but that he sentiments were sweet. 


As we left the store, I watched as he looked down at every step and checked out the bus stop outside just in case the earrings had been dropped and no one retrieved them.  I suggested that the universe probably allowed someone who really needed the earrings to find them.  We decided that maybe ALL the items he has lost recently are merely donations to people in society who need them worse than us.  Great idea.


So, when I consider all the items, I have to report that there are people out there who needed:


4 pairs of Gary's prescription eye glasses
2 hats
1 pair of earrings
2 dog leashes
Too many combs to count
Chewing gum
Millions of dollars in cash (just kidding, but its a lot)
1 gold coin (1 ounce, currently worth $1271)
...and socks....lots of socks....


So, if you are needing something special, please send a note to the universe and Gary and I will make special arrangements to secure that item for you! (NOT!)

"You are my wife?"

"Good morning, honey." For some reason I said this to Gary upon awakening.  Normally we don't talk very much until we have coffee.

"Good morning.  Did you sleep well?" 

"Yes, I guess so.  Did you?"  I knew he had slept like a rock since I tossed and turned most of the night and KNEW he was out.

He rolled over and looked me square in the eye and said, "When are we going home?  I really miss my wife." 

He didn't know I was his wife. Since this has occured once before, I did not react with severe emotion or even let on that those words hurt.  I quietly said that I am his wife, Ada and that we are at home and that we have been married for 28 years.

He said, "You are my wife?"  "Yes, I am Ada your wife."

He instantly apologized and said, "Oh, honey, I am so sorry.  This memory loss has me all confused.  You are really my wife?  I thought you were someone else and all this time I have been staying distanced from you."

Hmmmm...how to handle this one?

I reiterated that I was indeed his wife, that we married at Stoney Creek Resort, we have traveled to many places and all the furniture that he sees in the room is ours.  He looked around and agreed that everything was familiar. I also explained that since he was diagnosed that I have had to take on a little different role with him.  Since I am now his caretaker as well as his wife, that he may in fact not like me very much sometimes because I have to tell him things he doesn't want to hear. Could it be that the caregiver that you don't like is the one that you think you are not married to?  He agreed that he likes the wife role better.  (Frankly, so do I!)

He then started saying the following phrases off and on for about 20 minutes:

Oh my, I am so confused.
You are my wife!?  I am so glad.
Phew!
We really live here?
That is Diva Gerl, our beagle.  Best ole Beagle in the whole wide world, thats our Diva Gerl.  Yah!  Thats our Diva Gerl.  (a rhyme we have sang for years).
Wow, how long have we been married?

I took it calmly and just kept reieterating reality and assuring him that I loved him.  After coffee, he didn't remember the confusion and argued that he had not said those things.

Heather called to wish him Father's Day and he was very excited that she did.  He hasn't seemed to notice that we did not hear from Gary, Jr.  Then again, for so many years he has been disconnected.  Nothing unusual there as he has his own issues.

In church, Gary stood and thanked the Lord for caring for him through his diagnosis and dementia.  He still has the love of Christ in his heart.  I am thankful that he knows the Lord and has not disconnected.

Here is an example of something that happened today that really touched my heart.  Gary and I have gone to the same church for 6 years now and see the same people every Sunday.  He does not know most of their names.  This morning, he got out of the car and encountered Chris.  Chris said, "Good morning Gary.  I am so glad you are here.  I am Chris and we are very good friends.  I am always glad to see you."   Wow, I wish everyone who knows Gary would realize that this type of interaction with him makes it easier.  He doesn't remember and probably won't.  Thank you, Chris for not denying the disease and assisting with making it a little easier.  Gary knows that he doesn't rememer people but it still so polite that he would rather pretend he does than say, "I don't remember you."   Society does such cruel things to us!

After Father's Day lunch at Chilis, we took a long nap and subsequently, I forgot to call and arrange his transportation home from the CLUB tomorrow.  A few expletives flew....I could kick myself as now, I either have to leave him home or let him go and pick him up at 2:30 and have him sit at the College for hours.  The latter is the only choice as it is too disappointing for him to not go to the CLUB.

I sat down to write this blog and Gary was standing over me asking questions about Facebook.  So, I logged him onto his computer and he is now reading my Facebook and asking ten thousand questions about the software, how it works and details about every pages someone has "liked".  Oh my, the patience I am trying to develop is not coming fast enough.

Thanks to all who pray for us.  Gary and I pray together everyday and for the most part, he prays for everyone else.  Rarely does he ask for help with his own situation....I guess he is leaving that to our readers! 

Helping others to cope? I can only hope....

I came home Friday after work and found the dog in the house, the television on LOUD and Gary's Trikke sitting inside the house by the front door. He was not there.  He didn't answer his phone because it was turned off.  The GPS was on the counter. 

"Diva, where's Daddy?" As normal, she always knows where he is....sort of....she went to the front door and then to the garage door and then to the front door.  Didn't make sense.  So, I checked the garage and his bicycle was missing.   All I could do was wait.

A few minutes later, as I opened the mail, I heard the front door being unlocked.  He was carrying his bike tires and was followed by a nice young man carrying his bike frame.  The man carried the bike to the garage per Gary's instructions.  He asked if there was anything we could do for him as his bike was not working so he was carrying his bike home from the store.  The man stopped to help him.  Gary offered him $10 for his trouble and after four demands, he took it and left. 

I asked Gary where he had been and he handed me his Raley's bag.  Hot salsa.  He had been making a late lunch and thought it needed salsa, so he went to the store.  There were two unopened jars in the pantry but he didn't think to look there. He decided he wasn't hungry.  I shared that it was not a good idea for him to go to the store without telling me and that he should wear his GPS and turn on the phone that resides on his belt.  He apologized and said that he didn't call me so as not to disturb me. We ate dinner and go ready a few things for our trip. It took me awhile to come down off that adrenalin rush.

The next morning, I packed our belongings, readied Diva for Camp Bow Wow and after quite a bit of frustration, we headed out.  We dropped off Diva at 10 and went to the grocery as I forgot to pick up our Granddaughter's birthday and graduation cards off the counter at home.  We bought her gift cards and went for breakfast.  I knew we had to be in Dinuba by around 2:30 because the party was to start at 3 and Heather had said we would need to give her a ride.  We entered Denny's, got a table right away and I mentioned several times that we needed to eat rather quickly and get on the road. 

"Okay, honey."  The food came rather quickly and we began eating.  Half-way through the meal, he started his newest odd behavior.  He slowly and methodically cuts up all the food on his plate.  Country fried steak, gravy, hash browns, rye toast, scrambled eggs, jelly, butter, pancakes and syrup.  Mixed up, over and over and over.  Oh, that is not small enough, cut it some more.  Mix some more.  "Gary, can you please just eat your food.  You will be hungry before we get dinner."

He finally ate every bite (usually, he takes half his chopped up delight with him to-go, but he didn't this time) and we were on the road by 11:30.  I was SO aggravated that it took me a while to calm down. As we started down the road, Gary switched out some compact discs and we started singing.  He really liked the live Rat Pack recording.  I asked him to play the drums along with the recording and he did.  We actually had a good time.  I drove way too fast to get there. 

We arrived in Dinuba at 2:15 so I hurried us to the hotel to check in.  The room was not ready.  I sent a text to Heather who said she would call us when the coast was clear. It was not till then that I realized the party was a surprise. I told the manager that we wanted to extend our stay for one extra night so we could spend more time with the kids and do some swimming.  I was looking forward to swimming with Gary.  We always liked to frolic in a pool. 

Heather called a few minutes later and said for us to come over.  We arrived at her apartment at 2:30.  I had left my makeup kit at the hotel with the manager.  I asked to borrow some makeup.  She surely didn't seem to be in a hurry.  She asked if we wanted something to eat as we would probably not eat until 5:00.  Somehow it came out that the party was around 5, not around 3.  She said she told me of the change....somehow I missed that fact.  Just one more frustration. I told her we were staying an extra day and she said that they were going to her other Dad's house for the day. So, maybe we should do something else on Sunday.....

Around 3:30, Gary looked sleepy, as did Alexander.  I suggested we go to the hotel and take a nap.  Of course, the room wasn't quite ready and we had to wait.  We finally laid down for a few minutes for a nap.  When the alarm went off Gary was confused about where we were.  I explained and he recovered quickly.

The party was fun and Samantha had a great time.  After the party, we went back to the room and planned our next adventure.  I told the manager we would not be staying an extra day and came up with the brainstorm (with the help from a party guest) that we should drive into Sequoia Park, see some big trees and end in Fresno at a hotel with a pool.  We invited the kids to go to breakfast the next morning. We slept well. 

Gary awoke at 5:00 and started talking.  I don't even remember about what but I do remember being aggravated that I wanted to sleep more.  He kept talking and I repeatedly asked him to be quiet but I did become fully awake and was frustrated.  He was too. We were both laying on our backs and he said, "This is just not working out. This is just not working out." 

"What is not working out?"

"You see, I have been married 28 years to the love of my life.  We have a great marriage and I am very happy....yet, I find myself laying here with you."  The contempt in his voice was unbelievable.  I was shocked.  What I had feared was happening.... I wanted to vomit.

"Gary, I am your wife.  What are you talking about?"

"What are YOU talking about?  Are you Ada?" 

"Yes, honey, its me."  He instantly clicked and realized what he had said.  He held me while I cried.  We fell asleep.  Two hours later I had to tell him about the event as he had no memory of it.  Perhaps I should not have shared it, but I needed my husband to understand how the dementia had hurt me.  I say the dementia hurt me because I know he would never hurt me on purpose. 

We joined the kids for breakfast.  I shared with Heather what had happened.  I don't think she knew what to say either.  After a nice meal, we headed out to the park.  We left for the park around 11:30.  He kicked off his sandals and put his feet on the dashboard and tapped his feet as we continued to listen to the cds.  Tina Turner, Blake Shelton and more Rat Pack.

To make a long story short, I drove for many hours yesterday.  We sat in line at the gate of the park for almost 45 minutes. After we got into the park, we saw the Big Trees, a black bear, a brown bear and lots of scenic views.  We thanked God for all he has done.

Gary at the foot of a giant Sequioa

As we got near the edge of the park, we got cell service again.  No Internet.  As soon as we got down from the park, I stopped to find a seafood restaurant in Fresno on my phone.   We found one and set the GPS.  I thought I could find a hotel with a pool after dinner so we could play.

We ate a descent seafood dinner and then I searched for a hotel.  I found one and called the 800 number to check vacancy.  The operator was in a foreign phone room and I had to spell Fresno three times.  I told her California twice.  She couldn't tell me anything so I decided to just drive to the hotel.  On the way, Gary and I had an argument over whether or not I had made reservations.  I explained that I had not made reservations due to her not being able to find the correct hotel.  The argument escalated to yelling because he would not back down.  By the time we got to the hotel, I was fuming.  I left the car running and told him to stay in the car while I went in and checked for a room.

Yes, they had a room and a pool.  I checked in and while doing so, Gary walked up behind me with all our belongings.  He had moved the car (remember, he has no license now), unplugged my telephone and locked the car.  I don't know why this infuriated me but it did.  In front of the clerk, I was very belittling. I hate that.

We walked over and looked at a horrible pool that was under an overhang, with no sun, no heater and no jacuzzi.  We went up to the room.  I was a wreck because I had not asked the right questions and had checked in.  So much for frolicking and fun.  It was too cold. 

Gary convinced me that it would be best to check out and find another hotel.  I had gotten so worked up from the argument that I was not thinking clearly.  Gary was right.

We went back down and checked out.  The plan at that point was to find another hotel nearby.  We entered the freeway and started North.  Gary got down on me about having made reservations and then changing my mind.  The argument started again because he was still saying that I had done something I had not.  It wasn't that he can't remember that upset me.  It was the fact that he can't remember, I tell him the truth and then he doesn't believe me and argues.

Needless to say, the hotel plan changed and I decided to drive home three more hours instead of "frolicking in the unknown hotel's pool".  On the road, Gary asked me how much he makes monthly from social security.  I answered and he got furious and said that I had told him a figure three times larger.  After telling him I had never said that, he became very angry and argued so much that he confused himself and then swore that I told him a third, fourth and fifth amount.  Each time, swearing I had lied to him.  We argued for almost the whole trip....ranging in topic on so many issues that I can't list them all.  I just wanted to escape and tried everything I knew to try and change the subject to something light, happy or just off the subjects he was obsessing over.  He then said that he was hungry.  I told him we would stop at our exit.  He agreed.

We go home at 9:50. That was a long, emotional and exhausting day.  Sure, there were fun  points but overall, I just wanted to go to sleep.  I slept until 10am. The dreams were non-stop and I can't remember any of them. He was awake and dressed when I woke up.

We went to lunch and yes, he spent a significant amount of time mixing his food.  The waitress was a sweetheart and made multiple trips to the table bringing first two tortillas, then extra salsa, then another tortilla and then a box.  He brought the food home.

We had a good rest of day. We never did get to swim. He watered plants while I grilled steaks.  We are watching television and he is sitting here waiting to read the blog.  How will he react?

Overall, it was a long weekend.  It was fun, loving, celebratory and cruel.  I am not sure why this is all happening to us but there must be a reason.  I can only hope that it is to help someone else learn something from us to help them cope.

Wow, what a fabulous weekend!

Wow, what a fabulous weekend! Our Saturday began at Carl's Jr. for breakfast on our way to the CLUB for a fundraiser. We got there after the day started but found lots of bargains at the "garage sale" portion of the "Country Fair".  My objective for the day was to spend the money I had allocated for the event.  (Their goal was to raise enough money to open one more day per month.  At a cost of $750 per day, that was an aggressive goal.  I'm pretty sure they surpassed their last year high but not sure.)

Gary spent the morning listening to the bands, socializing and getting a cool fish painted on his arm that matched his shirt.

I, on the other hand, hawked the silent auction tables and drove up the bids on many items.  Sure, I overbid on a few....but won lots of cool stuff.  Gary got into it at the end and helped me make sure we won all our bids.

He also spent some time doing the cake walk game.  He bought ten tries and boogied through each walk.  On the last circle, he won choice of a cake.  He chose a yellow cake with chocolate chips and chocolate frosting.  Its been a long time since we had a cake in the house.

We ended up scoring a cool hand-made quilt, an afghan, several gift baskets of soap, kitchen stuff, also a cool purse, two decorative plates, gift certificates to Chili's, Rubios, Brookfields and best of all, a personal tour of the California State Capitol by Assemblyman Ken Cooley.  I fell short of my spending goal by $250.00. 

I guess its pretty sad that my goal in the day was financial and Gary's was to have fun....well, I had fun too!  Erica and Ethan showed up and scored some great auction items last minute.


Next, we went to the salon to get my hair done.  Gary went with me and I gave him a credit card to go to Orchard Supply and Target.  He found his way to both stores and a coffee shop. He came back to the salon twice and seemed to have complete clarity.  He didn't buy anything.  For those who have followed the blog, not spending money on unwanted items is a new evolution!

We went back to Target and bought cards for Samantha's birthday and graduation.  No drama, no repetition, no issues with anything.  Praise God!

After a great dinner, we had some cake and watched television. I slept like a baby.

Sunday morning came and Gary got up early to make coffee and breakfast.  We had waffles and bacon and then readied for church. Going to church is always a joy but today, for some special reason, it was spectacular.  From the first note, the music was perfect.  Upbeat and full of praise!  It seemed as if everyone was SO excited to be there and praising the Lord!  The pastor's message was on discipleship and love.  I felt that love in that room was unbridled.

If you don't go to church or have a relationship with Christ, I pray that you find him.  He helps the stress melt away.....I hope I can remember that on days when I feel overwhelmed. Savior means more than stress reduction.

After lunch we came home and took a nap.  Gary seemed so settled all day. Diva got a great walk and we did some food shopping and had a great dinner of Parmesan encrusted tilapia and basmati rice with a drizzle of peach balsamic.  Yummy.

The only moments of tension all weekend came when Gary revisited the subjects of finding a property to buy to build his retirement center and going back to college.  Multiple times I reminded him that our grant team failed us in raising the $63 million were hired them to and never raised a dime and that I told them of his dementia diagnosis.  He got angry, so I changed the subject.  He seemed to accept it. 

He also frequently requests to go to college.  Many times, Heather and I have explained that he has dementia and probably would not remember much of what he heard.  He gets very angry about this.  Maybe I should let him go, but I am concerned about another failure.....may make his situation worse.

Since these are repeat stressors, I am not too upset.....the rest of the weekend was so positive!

Diva dug up an old piece of rawhide that was nasty....very soggy and nasty.  Gary is trying to dry it out in the oven.....the dog is going to like it....right.

I wanted to write this blog since it was such a good day.  Readers seem to often feast on the negative days...readership goes way up with drama involved and a negative blog post.  Its ok.  We are all human.

I hope there are many more positive days in our future in which to report.  But reality says that my readers will probably be satisfied with the less-than-positive days....it makes better reading.  If anyone benefits from what they learn here, I know that this blog idea came from the Lord.  Thank you!

P.S. If you would like to give a donation to the CLUB, it is a 501c3 and your donation is tax deductible.  There are many who go there are much more reliant on the caregive respite than us.  Please help if you can. 

Mail a donation to:

Cordova Neighborhood Church, the CLUB
10600 Coloma Road
Rancho Cordova, CA 95670

A Man’s Memories… or a lack thereof.

A Man’s Memories… or a lack thereof.

Today’s blog post is being written by Gary’s daughter Heather.

My son Alexander and I arrived in Elk Grove on Monday night. We came down to help take care of my Dad for the week while Ada was away at some school meetings. Ada left on Tuesday morning and is due back Thursday evening, tonight.

Well the week seemed to run pretty smoothly, only a couple of mishaps. Dad had forgotten that I had given him his morning pills one day and without my knowledge took his morning pills a second time. So after noticing that he had double dosed himself I have since hidden the pills and we are back to the correct amount and on schedule. Then there was the house hunt for Diva’s missing collar. I finally remembered that Dad had brushed her fur earlier in the day and found the collar in the back yard where he had unknowingly to me, taken it off.

Even though Dad was reminded every day and night that Ada would not be home until Thursday evening he still seemed to forget. Xander and I sleep in the guest bedroom of course, which upon occasion is where Ada ends up sleeping when Dad is too loud. I sleep with the room in pitch black darkness, no night lights or anything. So at 3:15 this morning I awoke to the sound of the guest bedroom door being opened. Since I was unexpectedly awakened it took me a moment or so to get my bearings on the situation. I heard Dad asking why I was in here and I said, “Because its bed time, it’s the middle of the night”. He continued to ask why I was in here and I said, “Because this is the guest bedroom”. He kept telling me he knew that, but why was I in here and I again said, “It’s the guest bedroom, this is where I sleep”. Then he said, “Was I being too loud?” I said, “I don’t know”. That’s when my brain finally kicked on and it dawned on me that he thought I was Ada. So of course I told him, “It’s Heather Dad, remember Ada is away at the school meetings and she won’t be home until Thursday night”. He finally understood, apologized and went back to bed. At 6:50 this morning I was again awoken by the sound of the bedroom door opening. At this time the sun was shining in and it lit the room up well enough that you could see everything in the room without the lights on. I popped my head up and asked if Dad needed something he continued walking into the room saying that he figured he must have done something wrong to have run me out of the bedroom last night. I said, “Dad I’m Heather remember, Ada is gone”. That’s when it struck him I guess as he starred at me and said, “Oh you’re Heather, that’s right”. I told him he was going to wake the baby as he continued to state that Ada was gone. He walked out and closed the door behind him.

I am so thankful that my Dad has been blessed with a great wife who loves him completely and unconditionally. I love Ada with all my heart. She may not be my mother and since she’s not much older than me I don’t even call her my step mom, which she technically is. None of that even matters. To me she is family and she always will be! To Xander she is Grandma and she always will be. I only have one thing to ask of her; Ada please don’t leave this world before my Dad does because he would be utterly lost without you.

 

A busy day in the life....

I awoke this morning after 11 hours of sleeping to the sound of our coffee grinder. Having coffee delivered to me from my loving husband is a wonderful thing!  It was double sweet as he forgot whether he had put Agave in it already....that was very sweet coffee but I loved it.

We had alot to accomplish today since Heather and Xander are coming Monday night to stay with Gary while I go to our corporate meetings in the Bay Area.  We started with lunch at Dos Coyotes, courtesy of a gift card from my birthday!  Gary ordered a Chicken, mango quesadilla.  I know how much he likes chips so I ordered extra for him.  One thing I have noticed about Gary's eating style is that for the last year or so, he frequently chops all food on his plate and mixes it up and eats it.  He can't explain it, but he says his food tastes better.  Ok.  So, I often find myself done with a meal and waiting on him to finish.  Today, I watched him chop, mix and eat.  I must have been looking at him with lots of love or gooey eyes because he stopped, looked at me and we shared the sweetest exchange of words. I still can see his beautiful soul in those eyes.  There has been one time recently when he was stressed that I am not sure he was all there. 

I did notice that he was wearing his old, tan eye glass holder. He didn't remember that I had bought him a new one last weekend and that he had pitched such a fit about it a day later.  I found the new one and gave it to him.  He put in on in place of a tattered one....he said he liked it.  (See a previous post for this whole story)

After lunch, we headed to Walmart to get all the things we needed for the kids' trip.  He was so cold in the store that he went to the car to get warm.  I trusted him with the keys and he was taking a nap when I returned. 

We came home and finished putting together the  "little tyke" car that we bought for Xander to ride in while he is here.  After much fighting, yelling and lots of tools, we accomplished our mission. Hopefully, he likes it.



We finished a long list of chores and had a lovely meal. He seems tired but very clear.  Its a good night.

Lost dreams......sailing around the world.....

 

In 1998, Gary heard about the pending Y2K dilemma.  The belief by millions in those days was that the computers that were not programmed to function well beyond midnight 1999, would actually cause the world to shut down and there would be may chaos, government shutdowns, riots, etc. Of course, since Gary has always leaned toward the dramatic side of life and is a wee bit gullible, we had to prepare!!!

 

I clearly remember living at the Pittsburg Marina and discussing what would happen when the electricity goes out, food runs out and all the people who left San Francisco and Oakland walked east that they could end up HUNGRY at our house.  What would we do?  Options included: having heavy artillery at the house to protect us; Buying a tractor trailer and having a destination in the mountains where we could hunker down; having enough food to last us two years with significant water storage.  So many solutions but none seemed right. 

 

Gary looked out our back door and saw the perfect solution.  "What about a sailboat?"  I replied, "Fine, except for two problems:  1) we don't own a boat and 2) we don't know how to sail."  For those of you who know my husband, you know what is coming....sailing lessons started the next weekend.

 

Now, I don't mean in-the-local-pond Hobie cat kind of sailing lessons.  I mean U.S. Sailing Association Basic Keelboat 1 sailing lessons on San Francisco Bay.  Gary did all the research and came up with a plan.  In his mind, we could finish all 7 levels of the U.S. Sailing certifications before 2000 hit and we would be ready to sail a boat out of the Pittsburg CA harbor and out under the Golden Gate Bridge and go anywhere in the world via sailboat.

 

The first class was two full weekends on the Bay, learning, drilling, sailing and taking classes.  One must also know that I am deathly afraid of water, so staying in the boat was a real need for me!!!  So, I am afraid of water and he is asking me to learn to pilot a 24 foot sailboat that is right on the water.  The winds on the Bay during our first lesson was about 20 knots......that is where the waves have white caps.  I was terrified.  But, I learned, didn't die and unbelievably, went back the second weekend.  We both passed Basic Keelboat one....right on schedule.  We became die-hard sailors. 

 

 

Gary didn't talk to the sailing school before we unfolded this whole plan and found that our plan was aggressive.....way too aggressive.  Anyway, we soon started Basic Keelboat II.  Also, another two full days each weekend for 2 weeks.  Exhausting and very difficult for two people who have never sailed.  We had to do many private charters to get in sailing hours.  We did.  We passed. The clock was ticking away. 

 

Gary on one of our SF Bay charters....sailing in McCovey Cove outside of Pacific Bell Park in SF.

 

 

We bought and stored 2 years worth of food, candles, fuel and all necessary supplies to outfit a boat.  (We didn't have one)

 

We continued taking all the sailing lessons and next took Bareboat Charter.  We learned more techniques, man overboard drills, and navigation than I can even remember.  We chartered boats every weekend with other certified sailors so we could get in charter hours.  We passed Bareboat and again, were now certified at three levels. We were in almost $10,000 but could both charter boats and handle it in fair weather and heavy storm situations.  I failed Navigation class.  Of course, using a GPS was easy, but if no land systems worked, GPSs would not work, right?  It was a huge setback.  I took Navigation class 3 times and just could not nail it!  We were not going to make the deadline of all classes.  Had to re-work, realistically, the plan.

 

Ada at the helm of a Sailboat I actually later ran aground on the Berkeley Reef on SF Bay.

 

Meanwhile, we were not only sailing (exhausting) every weekend, but we were also boat shopping ......I mean seriously.  Gary had the dream to sell the house, quit my job, close our business at the time and sail out the SF bay to parts unknown.  Full-timer cruisers are a special breed.  We were headed that way.

 

 Gary was passionate about this and nothing else.  We never bought the boat.  It was an Amel 53 foot Super Maramu....went to Southern California and looked at it. We did not have the money and decided that if things got that bad, we could offer up our "stores" to other cruisers and trade our sailing skills for passage.  Or, we could steal a boat and take off. (Steal a boat, really?)

 

Well, Y2k came and went....the world did not go any crazier than it would have otherwise.  It was rather anti-climatic.  Disappointing actually. 

 

I lost interest in the dream.  We went through a very hard period over the fact that I did not want to leave my job and be a cruiser.  I could not get my head around it.  He wanted to go cruising and then when we aged, sell the boat and buy a house in the mountains.  I agreed to go if we bought the house in the mountains first so I knew we had a fall back plan.  (Thus, the whole Panamanian experience...that is another blog) We built the house and somehow, slowly, the dream started dying. 

 

We chartered alot less.  Every single time I ever went sailing, I got sick on the drive to Berkeley from where we sailed.  I mean nauseous.  I never got over it until I got behind the wheel or in front of a tiller.  I was fine on the water.  Gary never understood my fear.  I decided to go out on my own, without him to prove to myself that I was also an accomplished sailor.  I attended two years worth of women's sailing seminars.  On the last one, the boat I was on had the owner (a man) and six other women who had never sailed before that day and were there to see if they liked it. The transmission died in the boat and the owner had to stay down in the hull and manually change the gears to forward and reverse based on my commands from the deck. I had to bring the boat to the dock yelling commands down to him.  I had never done this...... I nailed the landing and did not even bump the boat on the dock.  I was really good.

 

The following weekend, Gary and I went out with a large group for a refresher course.  I was at the helm and got my hand caught in the traveler (the piece of equipment that moves the large boom from one side of the boat to the other) and was injured pretty badly.   That was in August of 2002.  In February 2003, we moved to Virginia for my career.

 

We would not sail again for four years since we moved to Virginia and had no access to our type of water.  Somewhere in those four years, the dream died all together.  I somehow think that disappointment is part of the dying of Gary.  He gave up for a long time after that.  He went into Real Estate then and we started new dreams. 

 

Four + years later, we moved back to California and rejoined the Sailing Club. We took a refresher course and I performed very well and remembered most everything.  Gary forgot many things.  Confidence lost.  Dream dead.  That was a horrible day. Looking back....that day should have been my first clue regarding the memory loss.  How could he forget the basics of what he loved so much?