An evening in the E.R.....again.

Since moving to Anaheim, Gary has fallen over backwards twice from the dining table.  We have a bar height table that has chairs with very long legs that sit on carpet.  Both times, I think he was trying to get up from the table by scooting the chair backward which will NEVER work.  Both times he fell backward and struck a sliding glass door.  So, stop with the judgment on why he was sitting at the table by himself.  I deal with enough guilt without hearing from the readers.  Sometimes, a girl just has to pee.

This last event happened on Sunday afternoon.  Heather and I heard him fall and retrieved him from the chair for a thorough inspection.  He seemed fine.  No more thoughts were encountered regarding his possible injury until I got home from work Monday evening to find a stern caretaker telling me that at day care he fell asleep multiple times.  I found out later that he actually fell asleep during exercise hour!  His "handler" at the CLUB was concerned and told Jessica when she picked him up from Day Care.  She noticed that he fell asleep in the car.  These are not normal occurrences.  So, we ate a quick food bar and went off to the hospital for a check up.

After a long day's work full of mental strain, it is uncomfortable to sit in an Emergency Room and watch your husband watch television and act completely normal while one waits on the test results.  In my heart I knew that he had just been sleepy but the strain and pressure of "what people think or say" is tough.  What if there was something wrong and I did not take him in?  So, I went anyway.  After being released, we stopped for a take-home hamburger and went home.  He was fine......no medical issues except for his normal dementia symptoms.  Thank you, Lord for the help.

Heather suggested that I serve him at a t.v. tray in the living room.  I tried that Sunday evening.....it worked just fine.  So, much for the $3000 dining table imported from the Orient.  It seems as if all the material things we worked for in our lives are slowly becoming less important.  For Christians, it should be that way anyway.  Right?

Gary went back to day care today and I went back to work.  There is no day anymore that can be classed as "just another normal day".   There is no crystal ball that tells me today is the day that Gary forgets how to put on his pants or he needs to be fed all the time.  What will he remember tomorrow?  What will he forget or lose tomorrow?

Everyday is a new adventure.  I wish these adventures on no one.

I hate the smell of Pine Sol.

I sometimes wonder why things happen the way they do.  I know that God has a plan but more often than not, I do not behave in such a way that is worthy of putting me in charge of this particular portion. 


I'm sitting here on a quiet Saturday afternoon abhorring the smell of Pine Sol.  As I type, my mind is confused by love, detest, anger, incontinence, loneliness, grief and confusion.


Gary and I went to the Neurologist yesterday to learn if there was any new news on his condition.  After an MRI, and EEG and extensive blood work, he appears to still have Dementia.  What an evil word.


This doctor indicated that he thought Gary was misdiagnosed almost three years ago.  He was right.  His dementia is genetic and rare due to his age.  There is no help nor hope beyond what we already have.  Gary has been referred to the University of California Irvine's Neurology Department for further testing.  It is for pure science only.  I'm not sure its worth it other than it may give answers to others.  It may help the next generation.


So today, we went to the pharmacy and Gary moved at a snail's pace.  I drug him through the store.  I fought him as he demanded to properly park the store buggy in the return spot.  I flamed as he straightened the rug in the store.  I fumed as he fixed it again.  I can't pull on him anymore as my hand hurts.  I can't motivate him with words.  I'm frustrated.


We came home and I put him down for a nap and had a drink.  After about 30  minutes, I got in the massage chair.  It comforted me until our dog, Diva came downstairs.  I knew something was wrong by the way she acted.  Upon reaching the bedroom, it was obvious  because she moved quickly out of the way.  Gary was lying on the bed, fully clothed and dry.  He said, " I'm sorry but I peed on my feet and my pants."  His crotch area was dry.......so, I turned around to see the closet door open.  It had been closed on purpose when I put him down for the nap.


Dammit.  He had opened our cabinet-enclosed dirty clothes hamper and peed in it.  (It was empty).  It ran down the cabinet and into the floor just missing my blazers.  I yelled, I questioned and I screamed.....all for naught. He has no reason other than he has Dementia.  


He is still in bed, numb, as am I.  He just can't be alone....at all.  Not unless I want a catastrophe.


I need to go apologize for yelling.  He does not deserve this.  I do not deserve this. 


I have more laundry to do now. I hate the smell of Pine Sol.


If I didn't love him so much, I would hate him.    Instead, I hate the disease.

Two Steps Forward and Twelve Steps Back

I often feel as if I take two steps forward and twelve steps back...

Its only Tuesday.  Up until today, Gary was having a better than normal week in that he only rolled down the window in the car twice, took his shoes off in the car once and had no accidents.  All weekend I was able to stay on top of him, stay home and watch him every minute.  We had no accidents.

Today, I came home later than normal after a visit to my own doctor and a trip to the salon for a new spring cut.  I have my own minor health concerns that are going to require a militant diet for awhile and some lifestyle changes.  I accepted all that before the salon and got a sassy "do".  It felt good coming home to a caregiver, Jessica, Heather, Gary and Xander.  They all liked my haircut and I was feeling pretty good despite the adversities that seem to mount daily.

Then, after I had a salad for dinner I started to fix my morning smoothie, open Amazon deliveries and do general stuff.  If you have not been around Gary lately, it is important to point out that while sitting in the massage chair (or anywhere else), he talks incessantly and calls out of whoever he thinks is in the room.  It gets very difficult to have so many "false" calls.  I find that it is much like the Boy Who Cried Wolf.....sometimes we just tune him out to attempt to stay sane.  That "silence" has its price.

I heard him talking while I was searching for the blender......and while I blended my smoothie, and while I was cutting open boxes.  I looked up and saw him in our massage chair, zipping his jeans.  Usually that means he needs to go to the bathroom.  As I approached him and asked if he needed to do, he said, "No."  That is because he had probably asked for assistance and I did not hear him.  He had taken out his penis and peed outside of the diaper and soaked his jeans, belt, shirt, socks.  I do not know how he got that much pee out of his body and all over everything....including the chair.

I took him upstairs to change him and put the clothes in the hamper.  Upon going into the master bath for the first time since arriving home, I told him to stand on the tile so I could undress him and not get pee on the bathroom rugs.  No need to worry about that as I realized he had already peed there earlier and soaked one of the rugs.....apparently he had awakened from his nap earlier and went toward the toilet.  So, its not that his kidneys are incontinent.....its his brain that doesn't kick in and get him to the toilet.

So, I reprimanded him and felt like a yelling jerk......he is not going to learn.

So, the industrial size washer is doing its job on clothing and rugs while I cleaned the chair and saturated a bed pad with "Urine Destroy".  Two steps forward......how many back?

Sometimes, I think that every time I get ahead or have a win or a moments' peace that the Universe says, "Oh no.  Not today."  My rational mind knows that is untrue but my emotional side wants to say "F(&^% you" to the Universe and run away.  I will not do that as the stubborn side of me thinks that I will win this war.......eventually.

ESCAPING: not an option

I don't like myself when I am upset with Gary.  The thought that came to mind this morning was:  "The very man who spent years building me up and ensuring that I was strong and successful is the very man who is now tearing me down."  Some might say that is a selfish way of looking at the situation.

Well, in some ways it is selfish.  After all, he is the one suffering from a horrible disease.  He has lost functionality and enjoyment.  He has lost his career and all that implies.  He can barely write his name now. 

On the other hand, I am the one who wakes with him in the middle of the night to try to steer him to the bathroom to avoid accidents.  I change his clothes in the middle of the night when he doesn't awake in time and has a "slip". I shower and shave him.  Dress him.  Groom him.  Guide him.  Love him.  Discipline him.  Remind him.  All those things take their toll on the caregiver.

Yes, I have help part of the day but the weight of it all rides me all day, every day.  Even though I use work to escape and still enjoy my career immensely, there are times on a break, looking at photos in my office, or on a drive home that I cannot help but think about what ifs or what was.  It is a living grief process. 

I buy my own birthday presents, make all the decisions (have to get input from trusted folks rather than Gary) and live in what feels like a vacuum.  So many times, I just want to escape but I am too responsible. 

Getting an MRI with Valium

I get so frustrated with Gary sometimes that I want to scream....and I do. However, yesterday, I made it through without yelling, screaming or going nuts.


He was scheduled for an MRI at 1:30.  The doctor gave us a valium to give him prior to the procedure.  Part of the procedure is that one lies on a plank, head in a container and stillness is critical.  I knew that would be a problem due to his constant talking, wiggling, patting, drumming and whatever else strikes him at the time.


I gave him the Valium before we left home and as we drove to the office, I watched him starting to slide down the seat.  We arrived at the office and I managed to get him out of the car....painfully slow and always at risk of him falling asleep.  After checking in, the nurse told us we needed to get back in the car and drive through the parking lot to the mobile trailer.  Really? 


I got him back in the car after quite a struggle.  We drove to the mobile trailer, parked and then started the struggle of getting him out of the car and up the steps (about 8) and into the trailer.  It was like assisting a drunk person trying to walk.  All his weight was on me.  As we got to the top step, the technician came out and said that he did not have a waiting room and that we needed to wait outside.  He helped me get Gary safely back down the steps and I tried to walk him around the parking lot.  He walked like Tim Conway when he played the old man on the Carol Burnett Show.  The only difference was the reality of the moment.


I put him back in the car and waited.  He was groggy. After 20 minutes, the technician came out and helped get him to the lift on the side of the trailer.  He was quite helpful.


The near hour long procedure was performed with Gary taped to the board.  I was allowed to touch his legs and arms as necessary.  He fell asleep and started snoring so of course,  that was forbidden movement.  He got cold at one point and crossed his arms.  He crossed his legs.  He has a horrible cough and moved a tremendous amount. 


When done, the technician said that he thought the tests were okay but borderline due to the movement.  He assisted in getting Gary back in the car and he slept most of the way home.


Upon returning home, he slept most of the afternoon.  I had some quiet hours.  It was precious.


There are many feelings associated with losing a loved one to dementia.  He is still here physically and mentally, there is a  person there, but not necessarily my Gary.  It is some other form of a man. He doesn't think like him, nor act like him but he still knows my touch and tells me he loves me.


I feel anger.  Remorse.  Anger.  Pain. Grief.  Anxiety. Frustration.  Love. Did I mention Anger? Questioning.  Rage. 


I had my own frustrations this week.  I ended up skipping a Nursing Pinning Ceremony and went to Urgent Care with a piercing pain in my side.  They referred me to the ER for a CT scan.  Diverticulitis was the diagnosis.  I managed to get the prescriptions filled and am on heavy doses of antibiotics and am not needing the pain pills. 


This too will pass and life will go on.  While sitting hooked to an IV in the ER, it would have been nice to have my husband beside me or at least available by phone.  There was no point in even trying as he is just clueless to the emotion of others.  He still laughs and gets frustrated...the only way I can describe him is disconnected and distant.


What is next?  Only God knows.

Caught in Hurricane Ada

I had a dream last night.  In the dream, Gary and I were on a sailboat somewhere on the ocean.  The conditions were similar to a time when we were on a sailboat in the West Indies in the middle of the night, riding out a squall with 40 knot winds (this really happened to us).  The boat was rocking and surfing the waves while the fear of not being in control was very real. Panic had set in despite the fact that the crew and captain were well in control.

When in a storm on a boat, if waves and winds get unsafe, the first step is to put out a storm sail.  That is a smaller than normal sail that gives you more control of the boat.  If things get really bad, you can perform a maneuver called a "heave to" which stops the forward movement of the boat and gives you a few moments to breathe while you rest or possibly check the conditions of the boat. 

In my dream, we had done all those things.  I kept hearing water running and slightly awoke to realize that I was not in storm conditions and the sound I hear was Gary peeing. Since his Dementia diagnosis, I normally awaken when he leaves the bed at night.  This time, I guess due to the "storm" I had missed him leaving the bed/boat.  He was standing in the bathroom adjacent to our bedroom peeing on the floor, trashcan and decorator baskets.  I screamed at him as if he were about to go overboard.  (Had we been on a real boat, he might have been in danger of being pushed :)) He was five feet from the toilet and was in a dazed state - or asleep.

At 1:30 am, the rest of the story included clean up, questioning and a tremendous amount of meditation to try and counter the adrenalin/fury.

Back to bed.  He remembers none of it. I remember every detail.  Yuk!

So, there is fatigue on the horizon of today.  I started thinking of the comparison of my current life as it relates to the storm analogy in my dream.  If I can remember my sailing experiences and make sure I just always assume bad weather and sail nothing except a storm sail, maybe I can remain in better control.  If I can remember when tired to "heave to" and stop the chaos, I can think and rest a moment.  I still do not have clarity on how to stop the waves and wind of dementia but if I keep these tricks in mind, I may not join him in the insanity. 

Another trick might be to pretend that I am in the eye of a hurricane.  Winds are raging all around and there are unsafe and confusing particles flying everywhere....but for the moment, I am safe in the eye.  Now, if I can just stay here.....I used to joke about being called Hurricane Ada.  This is NOT what I had in mind.

* Edited: There is no sobbing tonight. I am numb.

**This blog has been edited as the original was misleading.  I realized that in it, I hurt my daughter Heather's feelings in that it appears I was furious because they keep their door locked.  Quite the contrary.  I am in complete agreement that they keep their doors locked as Gary has been found sleeping in their beds and being there when he shouldn't be.  I was furious with the world and with Gary, not Heather and Xander.  In fact, had the door not been locked, he most likely would have peed in their room as opposed to the hallway.  So, I'm glad she let me know she was hurt....I had another good cry because of it. I love you, Heather.


Today started normally.  Gary and I got were awakened by Xander, our 4 year old grandson squealing about something he considered delightful.  I got up and went to the kitchen to make coffee and breakfast since we can no longer go to church. 

My thoughts were on taking down the Christmas tree and doing some tax preparation. After I finished breakfast, I left Gary at the table while I went upstairs to go to the bathroom.  I was gone about five minutes.  As I walked out into our upstairs hallway, I witnessed Gary standing in the hallway next to a locked bathroom peeing. 

After inquisition, screaming and lots of anger, it was determined that he had to go badly and rather than ask where the bathroom was, he attempted to follow me.  Since Heather and Xander keep their doors locked, he stopped to try those (as he does frequently) before losing all hope.  I was furious.  Knowing that I had a problem, I moved him into the shower and began the clean up process.

I grabbed the carpet shampooer and started the clean up.  In the middle of sucking the now clean water out of the carpet, the shampooer stopped working.  It has been used since Diva was a puppy, so I guess it was to be expected.

I rushed Gary through a shower and did some quick research on a good buy on machines. Once dressed, we took off for Costco.  Gary seemed VERY unclear all day.  As we arrived at Costco, he was moving at a snails pace.  He said he was not in pain, but just moving s-l-o-w-l-y. 

To save time, I asked the door attendant where the carpet machines for sale are kept.  She directed me to the right aisle and amid hundreds of crazy shoppers, I found them.  They were on a shelf and very heavy.  At this point, I was very overwhelmed by Gary, the reality of the situation and the crowds.  I said to him 3 times, "Gary, please help me get this box down."  I guess on the third time I was very forceful and loud.  A couple standing nearby assessed the situation and by the look on the man's face, he knew Gary was not responding and jumped in to assist.  The man told me to stand back while he moved the box and his wife held the buggy still.  I started crying. 

My emotions zoomed from thankful to embarrassed to dependent to pissed off.  I thanked them for their help and they said, "Have a happy New Year!".  God's servants are everywhere.

I did all I could to not lose it in the store.  I choked back the tears.  There was so much traffic in the store and in the parking lot, that I made Gary walk behind me and hang on to my jacket so I would know he was there.  Once we reached the outer parking lot, I put the box in the car, took back the buggy and joined Gary in the car.  I sobbed.  He just sat there.  Finally, he looked at me and asked why I was so upset.  I told him all the reasons.....

We got home and I assembled the machine and shampooed the hallway and our bedroom.  Well, why I was at it, I also did part of the stairs.  The machine has some very cool attachments. Halfway down, I would have had to move to a downstairs electric outlet and realized I was tired.  I've been fighting a head cold and headache for days and determined that I was overdoing.  So, I put the new machine away.  I put the old machine away....at least until I can put it out for garbage. 

Oh yes.  The Christmas tree also came down and was stored. 

After fixing Tamales for dinner, I sat down to write this blog.  Prior to that, I walked Gary to the bathroom and saw him in front of the toilet.  As per usual, I said, "Close the door, put up the toilet seat and then flush."  I closed the door behind him and walked away.  A few minutes later, he walked out and went to the coat rack to put on his jacket.

I asked where he was going and he replied, "Nowhere."  I asked why he was putting on a jacket and he replied, "Because I peed all over myself." 

I looked up and sure enough, despite standing in front of the toilet, he didn't make it.  What was he doing all that time?  He has no recollection.

So, we have finished the second shower of the day and the second urine related load of laundry.  The expletives were flying.

I knew I would know the right time to start using diapers.  They have been preventative until now.  Today, they are going to be part of life.

I don't know how long I can do this.  There is no sobbing tonight as I am numb.

I DON'T WANT TO BE STRONG!

I know people mean well, but frankly, I am very tired of hearing how strong I am. I don't want to be strong.  I don't want to be tested anymore. 

Don't misunderstand.  I am thankful that God has given me the strength to endure what we are going through as a family.  I am eternally grateful.  But, I am still human and I am sad, tired, grieving and still expected to rise each morning and perform at peak levels in life and work.  That is very hard to do....day after day.

I do believe in self-fulfilling prophecy, so it messes with me that I just said that I don't want to be strong.  That means that if I keep saying it....then I will lose that strength.  I certainly can't do that to myself.  Dammit. 

So, here I am.  52 years old with a 67 year old husband with Dementia.  Why?  I know the reasons.....there is nothing I can do about it. That pisses me off.  If my language offends, well, I am sorry.  Sometimes, I just have to be honest about it all.  I hate it. 

Yep, hate is a strong word.  I love Gary.  I hate the situation.  But, everyday I have to dig deep, move forward and draw on every ounce of faith that I have. God has put me in this situation for a reason.  He either has a huge purpose for me or an intense sense of humor.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me...."  Yes, Ada.  Keep telling yourself that quote.....just keep saying it.

Public Embarrasment

Sometimes I feel punished.  I know its a mindset but it is difficult to not get bitter.  Anger is certainly an emotion that enters my heart near daily.  Why do I have to change my patterns, errands and wishes because Gary has dementia?  If I chose to get a "sitter" all the time, or impose on Heather more, I could have more freedom.  He is not so far along that I feel that is right either.  So, I'm stuck somewhere in the middle of this already in-between comparison to Hades.


Last Sunday, I took Gary to church.  It is a loving group where we have worshipped before since moving to Anaheim.  Because of Gary's constant repetition of many words he hears and due to his verbal processing (often loudly) of most thoughts, I am always on edge waiting for what jewel he may drop on humanity next.  Sure enough, a few minutes into the Pastor's sermon, Gary stood up.  I pulled on his jacket to get him to sit as I knew whatever he was processing was paragraphs behind the poor man's sermon.  I managed to get him to sit down without too much noise or shuffle.  Then, he started reading aloud the bulletin which I gave him to hopefully keep him quiet.  I tried to quiet him with the ever-dependable "shhh".  He merely repeated the noise several times growing louder with my frustration.


I could tell the folks in front of us were a little un-nerved.  How to handle? When the Pastor asked for folks to stand up who were ready to commit their life to Christ,  Gary took the opportunity once again to stand.  Well, who am I to keep the man from re-giving his life to Jesus....even though he was probably hearing some other message.


The rest of the service was uncomfortable for me.  Of course, the anger started.  Is it lack of control that invokes the anger?  Is it embarrassment?  Yes.


Then today, he really needed a pedicure.  I can't effectively take care of his feet so I choose to have him professionally soaked, massaged and clipped every so often.  I haven't found the right person who completely understands his behavior, needs and quirks.  Today, we came close.  The lady doing his manicure (I just asked for a pedicure and he decided LOUDLY, that he too needed a manicure) was very sweet and spoke English in a tongue he could clearly understand.  She told him that we were treating him  special because his birthday was this month.  He treated the entire audience within the salon's hearing range with his signature "Yeah, yeah, yeah!" and "That's more better than good."


The other discomfort for me is not knowing how loud he will be or what he might say.  (for example, he told the woman she had nice breasts and asked if he could touch them). I apologized and told him his behavior was inappropriate and that he needed to stop and that certainly he could NOT touch her. She understood, laughed and said she understood.  I watched her body language for several minutes and she really did seem to accept his mental disorder.  There was a woman around my age who was there with her adult daughters.  She sat next to him and talked to him while my procedure was being finished.  She asked how long he had dementia and that she had a friend in my "situation".  All I could say was that I was sorry for her and that I wish the disease on no one.  I gave her the blog address for her to share.  Perhaps it will help someone else.  Perhaps it is a hell that they would better cope with if they don't know what is coming.  I'm not sure that I want to see the future. 


There seemed to be a sigh of relief when we left.  All employees were tipped very well.  I will have to consider whether I go back to the same salon or find a new one.  Do they want our business?


So, one should be able to see why I am beginning to think that I can't take him anywhere.  I guess I will have to start shelling out additional dollars for a sitter, even for routine errands.


I will have him from Wednesday afternoon until Monday of next week due to the Holiday.  Heather and Xander are escaping for the weekend. Escaping.  Yes, I said "escaping".  Bless them both.  They put up with so much.


Pray for us all.  Sometimes being a part of a family and having committed to a relationship is hard.  I will not let him down. 

I miss my Life Mate.....

What a weekend! 

Around the middle of last week, Gary started complaining that his right leg/hip was hurting.  Getting in and out of the cars was painful for him, in fact, often coupled with screams of "ouch"!  By Thursday evening, he was complaining bitterly and it appeared to be more than just a slight pain.  On Friday, I called our new Primary Care Physician's office to make an appointment for him to go in. Since our insurance became valid on 10/1, it was nice to know we are covered. We had just received our cards and I looked at Gary's for the first time.  there was a name of his primary care physician, but no phone number nor address. 

So, I logged on to the Aetna website and attempted to log in.  Of course, it was a log in where I could not use my normal log in and password due to syntax...so, I had forgotten the log in info.  After going through a series of "forgot login" and "forgot password" agony, I finally accessed the proper log in for Gary.  After retrieving the phone number and address, I called for an appointment.  Upon telling the operator that I was a new patient and that I was calling to make an appointment with Dr. XX, she promptly said, "there must be some mistake.  He is not taking new patients and is retiring. You will need to call your insurance and have a new primary care physician assigned and then we can make an appointment."  I asked for the names of other physicians in the same practice and ensured they were accepting new patients.

I logged back on to the website and changed the physician.  I called back to the practice and was told that there were no appointments available that day and that if we wanted to come to urgent care, they work with no appointment. Bingo!  I wrote down the hours of the Urgent Care and decided I would take Gary on Saturday morning. 

Later that afternoon, I was still at work around 5 when Heather texted me that Gary had gotten worse and he struggled getting into the massage chair and fallen back into the chair but was not injured further.  I made the decision to take him to urgent care that night.

I drove home, picked up Gary and headed to Urgent Care. After filling out mounds of paperwork while Gary sat in the waiting room reading aloud all the signs out the window, he was ready to be seen.  The medical assistant gave me a couple of "you poor things" before we saw the doctor.  Gary is very sweet but very irritating.  Several times during the check in, sitting in the waiting room, going to the bathroom and changing clothes to see the doctor, he yelled out of pain when he moved the wrong way.  The nurse cringed at his volume.

Once the doctor joined us, she realized she was dealing with a patient who repeats everything he hears.  So, every time she said, "Does this hurt?"  He responded with a parrot like phrase.  With my help, she moved his body into 50 different contortions and he did not express pain once.  He lunged, squatted, bent at the knees, etc.  She deduced that he did not have any broken bones and that he had a muscle-skeletal thing.....said to give him ice and heat for 20 minutes each and take anti-inflammatory.

Saturday came and went with several rounds of heat and ice.  It basically did no good.  Every time he needed to get up to pee, poop or move, he needed help.  He yells in pain but I didn't want to take him to emergency to only be referred to a Primary Care Physician, so I decided to call Monday morning and report increased pain and demand an appointment.

I decided not to even try to go to church on Sunday.  We stayed home all day and I assisted him in walking anytime he needed to move.  He forgot everytime that he would be experiencing pain when he moved, so I had to watch his every move.

I know in my heart that this weekend was a precursor and a preview for what is to come.  I get angry and sad within seconds of each other. I rage when I have to repeat myself more than four times...sometimes three.  I am not good at being a caregiver no matter how hard I try.  Gary thanks me frequently and tells me how thankful he is that I am here and tells me how sweet I am. I feel so guilty because me feelings are quite different.  I just want to run away but know that I cannot do that.  I feel so alone.

I want my old life back.  I want to be carefree and go see a movie, get my hair done, go out for dinner and take a vacation.  I want my husband back....I miss our old business conversations. I miss his tender touch.  I miss my lifemate.  The guy that is here is mostly needy.  While I still love him, it is very difficult.

Only God knows the plan. 

Where are we going?

"Where are we going?" I am not sure what Gary is referencing, so I don't answer.

"Ada, where are we going?" 

"Gary, we just came home from the store and its rainy and cold outside so we aren't going anywhere."

"When are we going home?"

It was a Sunday afternoon and we were experiencing our first real rain of the year and it was chilly in Anaheim....chilly means 65 degrees....Gary and I ran out to the store to buy pasta to add to my chicken soup.  He was reading any sign he saw on the road.  At first it is funny, but it can get pretty irritating.

When we came home, we sat in the living room to watch a movie.  I gave us large glasses of water so we could clean up the innards before eating our soup.  He kept asking, "where are we going?"

"Gary, what do you mean?  We just got home! He replied, "what do you mean, we just got home?" 

"Gary, we live here.  What are you talking about?" 

"I just asked WHERE are we going?  Where ARE we going? Where are WE going?  Where are we GOING?" He got increasingly louder and more irritated with each version.

This line of questioning including pleas to go home continued for about three hours.  We had dinner and then retreated back to the living room where it all started.  As soon as we sat down, he picked up the cup of water and looked at the writing on the cup and read from the text on the disposable cup "Where are we going?"  All that time he had been reading the cup just like he does on the highway.

I felt relieved that he was reading and silly that I had not realized it earlier.  However, he still had issues believing that we live in the house that we do. I told him many times before bed that we lived here.  I pointed out all our furniture, the dog and many personal items around the house.  He finally settled down by bedtime and accepted that we were spending the night. 

These events and many others lead me to think about many things.  Did he really like the old rental house that much?  Is he even talking about the last home we lived in....what is he talking about?  He can't answer those questions.

Will there come a time when he has to live somewhere else and he thinks of this place as home?  If those days come, will he remember me?  Will he call out in the night for me? 

Incredible sadness overcomes me in those thoughts.  I know the depths of that sadness so I try to calm my thoughts and search for the positive.  I remember the 28 good years and all our adventures.  I will remember for him and share those stories with his daughter and grandchildren.  Will they ever want to hear them? 

Today the Governor of California signed a bill to make it legal for a person to chose the die if they are terminally ill.  I think this is against God's law.  I don't know intimately what suffering is like, so maybe I would change my mind.

At least Gary is still happy, for the most part.  He is not suffering as he seems to have accepted that he needs a lot of assistance.  I shave him now, help him shower and get dressed.  If he picked out his own clothes, he would resemble an old tourist in Florida who came down for the winter....dark dress socks, tennis shoes, plaid shorts and a polka dot shirt.  For now, that is ok.  Some days I tire from lack of patience and anger.  Other days I am numb.  It is hard to say which days I prefer....knowing that I am alive since emotion runs so strong or numb since it doesn't hurt.  Neither was a choice I made. 

That is the hard part.

The Law of Attraction at work.....it works even when you don't want it to work!

It was starting to be a long week at work and on Tuesday night we went to bed early, around 9:00 to get some sleep.  We found a great nutritional that helps one get a deeper sleep.  It contains Valerian, Melatonin, etc.


About 10:30, our beagle Diva, decided she needed to go out so I arose, went down the stairs to the first floor, down the stairs to the dining room and hooked her leash and to pee we went.  After going back to bed, Gary started talking.  When Gary talks to me in the middle of our sleep, it sounds more like jabbering.  Nonsense.  I desperately tried to get him to quiet.  "Honey, I need to go to work and you need to go to daycare tomorrow...lets get some sleep."  "But, I'm not sleepy.  Are you sure Diva does not want to go out? Do you want me to let her out?" 


"No, Gary, you cannot just let her out in this house.  You need to put her on the leash and take her out.  I just took her." 


"Why don't you just let her out?"


"Our yard does not have a fence and there are coyotes in the neighborhood, so we have to take her when she goes.  But, I just did so go to sleep."


A few minutes later he started again.  "What time do we get up to get ready?  Should I take a shower now?  Where is the mouthwash?  Did you let Diva out yet?"


Finally, he quieted only to start about an hour later.  Same ritual.  Only, my agitation was growing and of course, Diva feels it, dislikes it and barks to go out (or to get away from us).  I arose, took her through the same process and brought her back to the bedroom. 


"Ada Mae?  Why don't you just prop open the door so you do not need to go with her?"  I again explained why.


"Were you going to take me to the CLUB tomorrow or do I stay with Heather? I really like the CLUB."


"I'm glad you like the CLUB but right now, we need to go to sleep and you just need to be quiet."


"Okay, I promise I will be quiet."


A few minutes later....."Ada Mae?  Don't YOU need to go to the bathroom?"  Well, I really didn't but he had angered me so that I thought I might as well get up so that my bladder would be empty in the event that he became exhausted and decided to quiet down for a long summer's nap.  As I got up and rounded the end of our bed, I swear the carpet covered plywood stairs at the end of our bed (for Diva to climb into our bed) moved six inches and blocked my foot.  HARD.  I hear a crunch and knew instantly that something was broken.  The pain started.  I needed ice but knew that Gary could never follow instructions to get to the kitchen, open the freezer not the refrigerator and find the ice pack.  


So, down the flight of steps I hobbled.  I retrieved the ice pack and went back up the stairs in a painful, pitiful way.  I was really angry now but instantly knew that this was my fault.


I have spent the last few weeks feeling sorry for myself about Gary having dementia.  About not going on a 30th anniversary trip.  About lots of things.  I believe that the Law of Attraction works in conjunction with God to bring us what we attract.  I was attracting negative.  I needed to get positive IN A HURRY.


After returning to bed and explaining to Gary what I had done at least 4 times, I iced my foot and fell asleep.


The following morning took me to the emergency room and sure enough, the fourth toe on my left foot was broken.  I will spend the next two to four weeks with tape and gauze on my foot.   


When the doctor told me that I could have no physical activity for two weeks, I looked at him in shock and confirmed that I would not be able to play soccer.  He validated that I need to not  play soccer.  Its a good thing, I really didn't want to learn anyway.


So, I hobbled to work and home.  We were able to go to bed early and I begged Gary to be quiet all night so I could recover. 


Around 1:30 in the morning, he was standing at the end of the bed tapping me on the leg.  I was in a near coma-peaceful-place.  "Do you need to pee?"  The truth was, I think, is that he needed to pee and couldn't find the bathroom.   I got up, went to the bathroom and as I was exiting (or trying to) the "poop chamber", he was standing there waiting to go to the potty himself, penis in hand and waiting.  I asked him nicely to move aside so he could get to the toilet.  He just stood there.  I couldn't move and he couldn't get to the toilet.  I asked again for him to move, nicely.  Then, with no movement, I pushed him slightly out of the way, aware that I need to protect the broken, taped toe while walking past him.  Due to being off kilter, I tripped and hit my good foot on the step stool next to the bathroom.  Dang it....it sounded a lot like the night before when I had broken my toe.


"No, this is not happening....."  So, I went down and got ice again, let the dog out and decided to just lay there and experience the pain.


I have decided not to baby the second injury and after two days, the toes will at least touch the floor.  I am not going back to emergency unless it gets worse.


At work yesterday, as I walked down the hallway favoring both feet, I'm sure I looked like a wobbly two year old with a full, dirty diaper. 


Dementia has certainly brought lots of changes to our lives. I need to keep laughing and praying.  Laughs and prayers from our friends are certainly appreciated.  

Going swimming is off the activity list....

I'm angry.  But, I pretty much stay that way these days.  Its a long weekend as I have Monday off work.  So, I worked like a dog on Saturday to clean the house, unpack dozens of boxes in the garage and collapse after dinner.  I decided that today, Sunday, we would go to church, have lunch (yes, I ate food rather than Medifast food), take a nap, go swimming and have a nice quiet evening at home.


Church went fine.  We visited a church of the Nazarene in Yorba Linda and were welcomed like family.  Gary only spoke out of turn loudly once and that was to proclaim his love of the Lord so it was okay.  (He has been known to add comments to the Pastor's sermon).  We stopped and bought lunch.  After eating I suggested we take a nap and then go swimming.  Gary said that sounded like fun and I started looking forward to swimming around in warm water on a 90 degree day.


After napping, we arrived at the pool to find a young family and another couple deeply engrossed in conversation while playing in the pool.  I went in first and told Gary that it was chilly but ok after moving around.  I swam around about one minute and looked up to see him standing in the edge of the pool on the steps and asking the VERY pregnant woman next to him if there was one more step.  She said yes and he got in.  He quickly and loudly started complaining about how cold it was.  I got him to move around and submerge his body to get accustomed to the cold.  He followed me around the wall of the pool but acted as if he could not swim.  This man was a FISH in every water situation ever encountered.  I was shocked.  He complained loudly and profusely until I agreed, five minutes later to leave. 


He exited the pool at a fast pace and headed straight toward the gate.  I yelled, "Stop! Gary!" but he does not understand that word anymore.  I quickly walked around the pool to get our towels and belongings while he stood on the side of the pool in 90 degree weather, in the sun and shivered like a small child.  We bundled him and got back in the car and drove home.  Total time gone from home:  15 minutes.  I couldn't believe that one more thing has been omitted from our lives.  Something we so enjoyed before is not an activity I remotely try with him again.


I am angry.  I am 52 years old and finding more and more things that I am unable to enjoy.  No social life.  Our 30th anniversary is in three days.  No vacation.  Why even go out for dinner.  Why? 


So, I realized that I am sitting here feeling sorry for myself while Gary lies in the bed watching "I Love Lucy."  His life has been impacted just as much as mine but the difference is....he really doesn't know it or care.  That is the blessing in Dementia if there is one.  Some days he gets very frustrated but most of the time he just floats along and takes what he gets. 


I'm not sure what life will hold for me.  Happy Anniversary, Gary.

"No! No! No! I live HERE!"

"Honey, I am sorry to bother you at the office but Cheryl is sitting next to me on the sofa and you really need to talk to her."  So, Gary handed his phone to Cheryl (his caregiver)who proceeded to tell me that they had just returned from their walk with Diva and that Gary had misbehaved.  She sounded quite disturbed, as did he.  I asked what happened and she proceeded to share with me her first experience with him being "independent and bull-headed". (THose are my descriptions, not hers :))

Apparently, they walked up our street which is a typical suburban street with near identical homes on either side of the street.  He had seen a car in a driveway of a house a few doors down and proceeded to think it was mine and that he was home. As he approached the front door, Cheryl realized his confusion and told him that he was at the wrong house.  He ignored her and proceeded to get out his key and moved toward the door to unlock it.  She quickly escalated her communication to protect his actions and he then turned into the ten year old boy that many of us know and love.  "NO! NO! NO! I live HERE!"  Before he could finish putting the key in the door, she pulled his hand away and moved him back to the sidewalk. 

They were both quite frustrated.  He called me to say that she was inappropriate and wanted me to rebuke her.  NOT.  At the end of our conversation, he had apologized and agreed to be compliant with all "ADULTS" who might take care of him.  I actually had practiced this same speech with my 3 year old grandson just last week. I explained that today was Cheryl's last day with him due to Heather having moved in with us and that he needed to be very nice to her.

Gary seemed to understand.  I sure hope so.

It feels lately that many of my days are filled with endless hope of his compliance with.....well, whatever situation we are dealing with at that moment in time.  Recently, I have also noticed that his behavior triggers an acceleration in my levels of anger and my response. I go from zero to sixty in being perturbed, frustrated and angry.  I would never hurt him but words can be just as hurtful as a strike.  Biting my tongue has become imperative for the sanity in our household.

Blog title change: Go to Your Corners and Come out Loving!

On Sunday, I was talking with a very dear woman whose husband is in an Assisted Living Facility with Alzheimers.  They have been married for eons of time (not sure how many years) and are now living apart.  She knows of Gary's dementia and sees him on a weekly basis.  She quietly asked me, "How quickly is he progressing?"  I answered that I am not sure how to answer the question compared to others but that he has declined but he seems manageable.

Today, I dropped him off at his CLUB and watched him stand at the door while an attendant came to let him in the locked environment.  We had a great breakfast immediately before with lots of very lucid conversation.  When he saw the woman, he lit up and went into "hug" mode.  She came out, hugged him and motioned to me in the car to see if I was ok.  I gave a thumbs up and he went into the building without ever looking back at me or acknowledging my presence. 

Months ago that would have devastated me, but today, not so much.  As I drove away I considered the conversation from last Sunday.  People who know others with dementia ask "how is Gary?" but i realized today the real question is:  How quickly is Gary declining?  Everyone except me seems to know that he will never get better.  I have been holding out hope and continuing with treatments, supplements, gimics with a private hope that someday he will get better.  He will not get better.  I need to face that fact. (Miracles excluded)

So, with that acceptance, I am now looking at behaviors that I have been participating in toward the end of "recovery".  What can I stop doing?  What angers me that shouldn't? 

One of the steps to grieving is acceptance.  Okay, check that one off.  I accept the fact that my husband has dementia.  Perhaps I should rename this blog from "Go To Your Corners and Come out Fighting" to "Go To Your Corners and Come out Loving".  I will change it. 

Perhaps this can assist us both in being calmer, less frustrated by expectations and overall, much happier.  For all you prayer warriors, I always request that you pray for God's will.  If its His will that today's acceptance is correct, I pray for more Loving. There is nothing to fight about in this situation.  We will not win the battle.

Could I please have a refund on the cruise my husband ordered?

I received a text at work from Gary's Visiting Angel, Jo.  "Oops, you better check your credit card.  Gary is hiding in the back room and I think he bought something." Of course, I asked Gary that evening what he had purchased that day and he coyly responded, "I don't remember....but I think I bought something."

Sure enough.....a $1507 charge showed up on the bank account. Gary had purchased a 7 day cruise and 6 night hotel stay to Florida and the Bahamas.  He had received a call and bought the exact same cruise we took a few years ago.  Dang it!  I knew I would face an uphill battle getting that cancelled.

So, the next morning I embarked on the adventure of getting a credit on the credit card.  I knew the obstacles were as follows:

• I am not the one who made the purchase.
• It was not my exact credit card.
• I had to get them to believe that he really does have dementia and that I'm not just a disgruntled wife trying to control her husband.

Ring.  Ring. Ring.  After punching about 20 choices on the interactive voice response system and waiting 10 minutes on a human, I explained something similar to the following:  "Hello, my name is Ada Gerard.  My order # is xyz.  My address is.... and I would like a refund due to my husband purchasing this vacation while suffering from dementia."  "I'm sorry lady but the address you gave is not correct."  I gave our two previous addresses and phone numbers as proof that my husband really does not have any business buying a cruise in his mental state.  Of course, the address Gary had given was our last address in Elk Grove where we had lived for two years prior to moving last November. 

I did not think to get the name of the operator nor officially change the address before I was put on hold to be transferred to another department.  After 5 minutes on hold, the phone disconnected and I had to start over.  I followed the same monotonous process as above and finally reached another human who had no notes in their system of my previous call.  So, I started over and explained the whole event and that I wanted a full refund.  I got the operator's name and made sure the new address showed in the system.  She explained that she could not perform the reversal and that she had to transfer me to another department.  Yes, once again, the call was disconnected. 

I was slightly furious.  I went through the process again and did not have to repeat as much since the last operator had put an explanation in my records.  I again requested a full refund.  She explained that since Gary was an authorized user on the card that they would not give me a full refund, but rather a partial refund and an $800.  I was started to come unraveled.  I said this is absolutely unacceptable and that our cards had been compromised by by husband and that I wanted a refund.  Because i made the mistake of saying the word "compromised", she transferred me to the fraud department.  Of course, that transfer worked.  They were starting to file a police report when I AGAIN explained the situation.  I asked to speak to a supervisor ( Iwas told his name was JOE) and that I wanted to file an elder abuse claim.  Yes....the phone was disconnected. 

I called back AGAIN and asked for Joe.  Lo and behold, I was transferred to Joe who aswered the phone with said alias.  During the transfer, I gave significant thought to how I might approach repeating this information for the umpteenth time.  Should I take the upscale, forthright, educated approach?  Should I go hillbilly/redneck?  Should I use the ghetto approach? 

I chose to utilize my education and said,  "Joe, this is Ada Gerard and my order number is XYZ.  Please take a moment to read me the notes made by your employees in the last hour about my account." He did!  He asked how he could help me.  I ranted that I thought a partial credit under the circumstances was absolutely cruel and subject to Elder Abuse laws in the State of Florida (his office location).  (the sad part is that I do know the phone number to the office in Florida to call as I had experienced this with another Florida company). I demanded a refund and he quietly said, "Ma'm, I have already processed your refund.  I am sorry for the inconvenience.  Your account will reflect the refund iin 8 to 10 days."  At least I had enough money to transfer from savings so as to not overdraw my account. 

It is amazing that I was one the phone for over an hour trying to undo something Gary had done in probably 10 minutes.  The anger and emotional experience was unbelievable.  I wanted to go home and tear him a new orifice.  That would have been a waste of time and emotion, as he doesn't get it. 

Later in my account auditing, I also found that during the same two days that he had the card, he had also ordered two sets of a product off the television.  One was delivered to our house after being forwarded from the old address.  The other never showed up.  Upon calling the company to get return authorization, it was discoverd that he had again charged over $400 in caffeine-laden vitamins and had them delivered to the old addresses. I would have to file a postal claim. My car is now full of to-be-returned products that need to go to the post office. 

Lesson learned:  When Gary goes out with a caregiver to the store, give him cash not the credit card.  Also, if he does require a credit card....get it back that very night.  He knows not what he does.

The Christmas Present that just keeps on giving me stress!

When Gary was a teenager, he was a very accomplished drummer.  He was in a band for several years until he broke his wrist in a fall and somehow drifted away from the hobby. 

He is now 66.  When we lived in the Bay Area, he celebrated many birthdays but on one of his birthdays (in his late 40s), I rented a rehearsal studio for him, complete with a drum set and he played for almost 4 hours.  I never forgot how happy he was during that time.  So, when he announced that he wanted a drum set for Christmas, my heart gave in to the whim. 

The week before Christmas, I started shopping online and found many drum sets for purchase.  I picked out 4 and showed him.  While looking at them, I noticed an ad on the side page for an electronic set.  I pointed out the option and after much studying, he decided that was his choice. The electronic set was ordered to be delivered on Christmas Eve. During all this I realized that the drum set did not include a throne or stool to sit on. I ordered it separately for delivery after Christmas.  I should have known this purchase was too easy.

The LARGE box arrived on Christmas Eve as ordered.  I am always amazed at how Santa fits all those items in such a tiny sleigh....  I was more amazed when we opened the box on Christmas Day that the entire set was packed carefully in 10 boxes and puzzled into one large box.  I did not pay a lot of attention to how the boxes came out of the large box as my Dad and Gary unpacked most of them.  Now, for the directions. 

Gary is pretty much a pain in the butt when it comes to assembling anything.  His mechanical skills which were formerly well-honed have all but disappeared.  Dad and I took over and after about 4 hours, assembled the stands, drums and various pieces.  (I am omitting the yelling, frustration, curse words, perspiration and crying from the story.  All from me, of course.  My Dad was an angel in this situation.) 

Gary sat down the play the drums.  There was no sound.  Dang it!  After more research, we determined around 9:00 that night that it needed either headphones (for private playing) or speakers.  NOT INCLUDED.  I explained this to Gary and we decided to visit Best Buy the following day to purchase both. 

After returning from Best Buy the following afternoon, it was determined that both the speakers and the headphones worked but not to Gary's liking.  "Why didn't you just get me a regular set of drums liked I asked?  Send them back." 



The words were deafening.  Really?  After all that assembly, upset and unrest and you want to return them?  Well, after all, it was a $400 dollar purchase and if he is not going to use them, well, I will send them back to the store.

My father and I started to disassemble the electronic drums.  Much to our chagrin, we realized that all those components had to go back into the exact box from whence they came and the box needed to be placed carefully back into the Large BOX in the exact same position.  How disheartening that was!

Hours later.......I am ready to leave my husband and go to the mountains to be a hermit.  Had my father not been there helping and calming me, I may have really left.

At one point, I was so stressed over getting all boxes back into the box that he looked at me and said, "Why don't you walk away and let me do this?"  How magical that moment was for me.

I walked away for a while and heard Gary say, "Why are you packing up my drums?"  He had forgotten why the drums were not suitable for him.

Dad and I sealed the box he had finished and put it by the front door for its pick up by the same poor fed-ex guy who delivered it the first time.  It sat for three days, in the way, awaiting its pick up.  What a sore issue it was. Finally, one evening around 7, the door bell rang and the carrier took away the drums.  He also delivered another box....the separately ordered drum throne!  I put it aside and thought nothing more of it.   I'll return it another time.  I was at my limit.

Call me crazy, but I felt guilty that I returned Gary's Christmas present and not replaced it.  Several times, he asked when his new drums would arrive.  So, I looked on the Internet the day following the return of the electronic set.  I went to Amazon and found 10 sets of equal price to the first set and showed them to Gary.  His response was that the drums I was searching were not good enough and that the cymbals needed to be made by Zildjian.  That added several hundred dollars to the purchase.  NO WAY>  I got over my guilt rapidly and told him we would have to keep shopping. 

It was not the money.  It was the point. 

So, Mr. Gary, you will need to wait.  Sure.....another week.  I went back to the Internet, found the "perfect" drums and ordered them.  They arrived and on this past Saturday, I put them together.  I know nothing about drums.  I know nothing of high hats, toms, etc.  Of course, the set did not include directions. 

Luckily, I found videos on the Internet that showed how to set up a similar set.  Of course,the variations were not explained and I had to look at still pictures, zoom in and blow up the picture to see intricacies of the pieces.  For example:

How does one get the piece attached that holds the drum onto the cymbal pole thingy and make it NOT dump over from the weight of the drum?  

YouTUBE does not have a question and answer forum.  So, I used the best source of knowledge I had in the house.....Gary.  I convinced him that this project was not overwhelming and that if he used logic he could help me.  Of course, he knew. Change the center of gravity and mount the darn thing lower!  When asked how to make the high hat pedal work, he instantly rearranged the pieces and it worked like he had done it everyday.

The drums are assembled.  The boxes have been destroyed.  Guess what?  I even kept the drum throne ordered for the first set so he can sit at the drums and play as much as he wants.  He did just that yesterday.  He just needs to practice again and again.  The drummer boy is still in there.  He was smiling.

After about an hour of playing by himself, he came into the office and said, "There is just one more problem. "  When asked what now, he responded, "My leg hurts from pounding the pedal against the big drum."

After more questioning, we determined that his muscles were sore and there was nothing "WRONG" with the drums.  Sorry dear, you will just have to keep practicing and build up those muscles.  Amazon can't fix that!

Glad that adventure is DONE! 

 

 

Recap of the Holiday Break.....whirlwind of activity!

Its been a while since I wrote.  My Dad was here for a few weeks.  Heather was here with the kids off and on and I had from 12-19 through 1-5 off work.


There was not a lot of time to write during those days despite the fact that fodder for content was plentiful.  So, in retrospect, here are the highlights:

• For the most part, during the entire time off, Gary had only one (count it), one episode of overwhelm.  Why?  Not sure other than I tried desperately to stay calm, answer his questions, fulfill his needs and have fun. 
• The first week back to work after the break was full of overwhelm.....go figure.
• We went to the zoo on the coldest day of the year.  After two hours of freezing, 5 of us (including a large car seat) crammed back into my SUV and came back home.
• Dad had to go to the emergency room for a bladder infection and stayed an extra three days.
• We had a horribly, ugly experience with Gary's new drum set on Christmas Day and following day. (if this were a drama show, that would have been an episode worthy of Oscar.) My Dad was a real trooper and helped me through the whole experience.  Had he not been here, I may have walked out of the house to not return for days!
• We had several great meals.  Gary helped with the major meals and was a big help if I asked him.
• I had one day where I REALLY needed a half hour to myself so I decided to go the store.  Quickly, I found the car full of my Dad, Gary and for the first time, my Grandson Xander asked to go the store with Grandma.  It all went pretty well.  I am still waiting on that half hour.
• Today, Gary and I went to see "The Wizard of OZ' at the IMAX theatre with some of my employees.  He sang many of the songs during the movie.  At the end, he clapped and talked about what a great movie it was.  When I pointed out parts of the movie I had not noticed on television, he replied with, "You've seen that movie before? "  I was surprised that he did not remember countless times we had seen it together.  I wonder how he thought he knew the words to the songs?

I will try to keep writing more frequently and regularly.  2015 should be very interesting.....

Never found the phone.....

The last few weeks have been days of intense expressions of love, anger, confusion and move preparation. Only 9 more days separate today and moving to our new location.  I'm very excited and Gary is also....at least when he remembers that we are moving.  Its very hard to grasp that he can sit in our houses with boxes EVERYWHERE and not remember that we are moving....but he does.
I haven't written in a while, but I would like to revisit the days following Halloween. As you know, Gary lost his wallet, house keys and Galaxy 3 phone.  I stopped the phone service and cancelled credit cards the following day and waited until Monday when the CLUB opened again.  Upon arrival at the CLUB on Monday, I was greeted by the Director and spoke with several of the volunteers.  NO WALLET.  NO PHONE...ugh.

One of the staffers indicated that Gary was having difficulty with his belongings and his costume, so they had put his wallet and keys into a brown bag that also contained his candy and Halloween treats.  My first thoughts were not pleasant.  How could they expect him to keep up with a brown paper bag with which he is not familiar?  I just couldn't believe what I had to go through as a result.

(Later, I realized they only meant well....I really should lighten up.)

Anyway, there was no paper bag to be found at the house.  I tore the whole house apart......I gave up.  The next day, when I came home, his wallet was lying on the counter next to his keys and Halloween candy.  No paper bag. No recollection of the "loss" or the find.  I was elated and frustrated.  The telephone was never found.  The deductible on the insurance was $150.  New phone arrived and is set up.  I made the choice for him to continue to have a phone.....just in case.

Over the weekend, we continued packing the "last minute" stuff.  I was downstairs putting clothes in the washer and heard what sounded like pounding coming from upstairs.  I went up the steps to find Gary on the floor next to his computer, frantically unplugging all the peripherals attached to it.  I yelled, "what are you doing?"

He responded that the computer was making a very loud clacking noise and it scared him to so he unplugged it.  I was furious. It was just one more thing that he had done that day that put me over the edge.  I screamed, yelled, cried and threw a magic marker at him.  He was not hurt but was upset because he didn't know what he had done wrong.  I had planned on shutting down the computer next week, properly labeling all peripherals and packing the computer then.....nothing was going my way.

I thought my chest was going to explode.  I told him to take the dog for a walk and leave me alone so I could calm down.  I cried on the bed...heaved is more like it.  Then, I realized how stupid I was being and prayed for forgiveness.  I prayed to not get angry.  I prayed for ability to bite my tongue and better understand his disability.  (Pastor spoke only to me in church this morning).

I felt an instant peace.  God granted me the peace I was requesting and I had a wonderful, deep nap.  I arose to spend an hour putting the computer back together.  He had unplugged the speakers, printer, and network cable.  I reconnected all but the sound....its only a week and I probably won't need it. 

We had a wonderful evening and a great day at church.  The rest of the day was spent packing, hugging alot and eating mystery food out of the freezer.  The smoothies and coffee pot are ready for morning.....Gary is enjoying his time in the massage chair.  Diva is running around the house chasing a fly.  I am trying to relax a little before bedtime.  I can't wait til this move is over and things are put away in the new house. 

Please pray that Gary will find the move smooth and not get too upset.