The Case of the Haunted Jacuzzi

My cell phone rang late in the day.  I saw Heather's picture and knew something was wrong as she only calls me in an emergency....or something REALLY strange.  I'll give you one guess which case this was....right, REALLY strange.

Heather:  "Do you have a Jacuzzi tub in your bathroom? How do I turn it off? Dad turned it on somehow and I can't turn it off.  It sounds like a truck idling from downstairs but I came to check on Dad and it is the tub!  In the background I could hear Gary going on about some totally different subject.  While humorous, I had to focus.

I asked several questions, like did you turn off the button?  There was only  a knob sticking up and that didn't work.  She texted me a picture of what looked more like an air duct usually found on the side of the tub.  We have not used the Jacuzzi since we moved in so I was not sure.  I told her to fill the tub with water so the motor would not burn up since she said it had been running for quite some time.

I then suggested she go the breaker box, find the one marked tub or Jacuzzi and turn it off.  Gary was still in the toilet stall so she left him, went down all the stairs, grabbed Xander's toy flashlight (it worked) and headed for the breaker.  Vioila!  She found the right switch and turned it to "off".  Or so we thought.  She went back upstairs to check on Gary (no gym membership required in this house full of stairs!) and found the tub still shooting water to and fro.  I could hear it roar in the background. 

I asked if the water was above the jets.  She replied affirmatively.  She had to leave to get Xander from day care and I was too far away to do anything.  She assured me there would be no flood so I decided it was ok until I got home over an hour away.

When I arrived home, I put on a pair of shorts to get in the tub since the spigots and the drain are on the far end of the tub (pretty stupid design).  I also tried the button which looked nothing like a Jacuzzi button I had ever seen.  Water had started to splash all over that side of the bathroom.  Since she had followed my initial directions and turned the brass button one way and then the other, the air was on full spray and doing its job.

There was no button that looked anything like a switch.  WTF?  If we couldn't find the button to turn it off, how did Gary turn it on?

Then, I remembered a silver switch on the wall behind Gary's bathrobe.  Remember when you were a kid and you went to a hotel that had a heater in the ceiling in the bathroom that had a timer switch.  Yes, one of those.  All this time, I thought it was a heater switch that we never needed.  It was stuck on zero.  Or at least there was a fine line between zero and sixty minutes.  He had turned the knob all the way around, it turned on the Jacuzzi and got stuck in an on position.  I turned it off the a moment of peaceful quiet after the raging waters from moments before!

So, how did it not turn off when Heather cut the power?  So, I too used the toy flashlight (three other flashlights in the emergency area did not work) and headed for the breaker.  It was off.  Again, there is no explanation for how the Jacuzzi continued to run with the power "off" but it did.  Crazy house. 

So, after a day of audits and regular work, I mopped the floor while explaining the answers to all of Xander's questions.  "Why did you open the shower?  What is a sponge?  Why is there water everywhere?  What is that thing in your hand called? Why is it called a mop?  Why did Papa turn on the bathtub? Why are you standing in the bathtub with your clothes on?  Why are you letting the water out?"  And.....etc.

So, as per normal, rather than trust that Gary will remember not to use that knob again when he is trying to turn on the lights...I got out the duct tape and covered the switch so it cannot be used. 

I then remembered that I needed to double check that Gary's CLUB remembered to have him wear his jacket home (that is another topic for another day).  Of course, Heather reported that  he did not wear a jacket home. I was close to blowing a gasket after spending almost a half hour prior to work this morning watching a social worker at day care run around looking for Gary's clothes from when he had an accident and came home in someone's spare clothes. 

Tomorrow morning, when I take him again, I will need to go in, find the social worker and make a real stink.  Why is Gary the only one who comes home without a jacket?  Or is he?  Perhaps I have uncovered a significant problem there? 

I have been known, on occasion, to be very vocal. I should be plenty warmed up by morning....look out world!

Blended family, shared space!

Gary is going through a period where he is again confused about where we live and he thinks we are visiting the home we have lived in for four months.  Our daughter Heather and her three year old son moved in with us a little over a week ago and I think the new energies and shared space has confused him. 

It is not a disturbing confusion for him, but certainly not clarity.  We have separate "living" areas so both families can watch independent television and have separate activities or be together if we wish.  When we are separate, he seems more at ease and I believe he will adjust soon.  The only barrier to clarity sooner is that he and I are going to Yosemite at the end of the week for a few much-needed get away days.  (Well, I need them!) This trip may confuse him more, but Yosemite has such a healing nature!

We all went to church this morning.  I love watching Gary worship and sing.  He is more like his old self then.  I somehow sense that when he is that close to God that the broken brain doesn't matter so much.  He knows he is worshipping and the Lord knows he is loving him.  Its a precious time!

My patience with him has been shorter than normal lately.  Could be the changes at work, changes at home or Heaven forbid, hormones!  When Gary gets on my nerves, I try so hard to stay calm and let the tension go.  While attempting to pack this afternoon, he got very overwhelmed and started asking 40,000 questions.  I could not answer them quick enough nor satisfy his need to know the intricacies of the smallest detail of hiking boots, poles and luggage.  I was in the closet and he was lying on the bed....apparently we were quite loud as I heard Heather come in the bedroom to soothe the situation.  She suggested he go and sit in the massage chair.  It diffused the whole nervous, aggravating situation. 

I believe for so many reasons, this will work out! Thank you, our precious daughter, for changing your life for us. 

 

 

Yep, my husband has dementia.

On Saturday, Gary and I ran some errands, got our haircut and drove home through a mega storm.  He was a little foggy all day but in some ways more clear than he has been in a while.

There was no discussion regarding the date or day of the week.  While we were eating dinner, he asked if we were driving to Elk Grove to Cornerstone Church.  Not only did he know the day but the name and location of our church.  There were several other conversations throughout the night that had similar awareness clues. 

I have been experimenting with Medium Chain Triglycerides as a treatment.  I will keep you all posted on the progression of this treatment. It is based on Coconut Oil.
I could only attribute this improvement to this treatment.  It was clear but short-lived.

Today was a whole different story.  I knew upon saying "good morning" that his reaction was one of sluggishness and slow-moving actions toward getting ready for church. We made it to the 10:30 service and he was very distracted during the service even though he grasped the content.

It was raining "cats and dogs" as I slowly drove home.  Traffic and the storm made coming home very stressful. I explained several times that we had to pre-pack for our trip next weekend.  5 or 6 times, I reiterated that our granddaughter is getting married in Fresno and that we need to leave on Friday.  He asked a few questions but did not get the concept as I started to get out socks, ties, etc. He got very agitated and at one point said, "Excuse me, why are you in Ada's closet?" 

"I am Ada." 

"No, you're not.  How am I going to explain to Ada that you are packing clothes from her closet?" 

"I am Ada.  Who do you think I am?"

With a  slightly sheepish look, he responded, "You are my wife."  When I inquired about my name, he looked right at me and said the name of his third wife "AnnaMaria." 

I laughed as that was a new one.  Normally, he thinks I am Kurla (wife #2) or his daughter Heather.  I explained the order of the marriages and the time frame of divorces and our marriage of 29 years.  He looked at me as if I had horns.

He was lying on the bed and seemed very sleepy.  I suggested a nap.  He agreed and I stretched on the bed beside him. He reached over and hugged my nose which is a long standing touch of endearment that we have shared.  Since this was such a familiar touch, I asked if he knew who I was.  He said that I was Ada.  When asked of our relationship he said, "You are somebody from the past but I'm not sure." This week, Heather posted a picture of herself, her Mom (Kurla) and her daughter, Samantha.  I showed him and explained that at the wedding, he may really get confused because we will all be there....in one room.  He said that situation should be interesting.  I dropped the subject and we slept.

I awoke before him and started dinner.  He came to the kitchen and I could tell by his look and greeting that he was back to "normal".  Curiosity had me. "Honey, can you tell me my name and our relationship?"

"You are Ada Mae and you are my wife."  I finished the sentence with "the best wife of your life."  He smiled and said "Of course!"

As I reflected over the earlier scenario, I felt a twinge of sadness for the memories we have shared, as I know many of them are in his head but confused with other things.  At least I still have them and can recall them if he should have moments of wanting to know.

He sat tonight and wrote a note in a Valentine and gave it to me early.  The note makes sense and is full of love.  However, his once particular and perfect hand writing is starting to morph into a sloppier, larger form.  That is another sign....yep, my husband has dementia.

Recap of the Holiday Break.....whirlwind of activity!

Its been a while since I wrote.  My Dad was here for a few weeks.  Heather was here with the kids off and on and I had from 12-19 through 1-5 off work.


There was not a lot of time to write during those days despite the fact that fodder for content was plentiful.  So, in retrospect, here are the highlights:

• For the most part, during the entire time off, Gary had only one (count it), one episode of overwhelm.  Why?  Not sure other than I tried desperately to stay calm, answer his questions, fulfill his needs and have fun. 
• The first week back to work after the break was full of overwhelm.....go figure.
• We went to the zoo on the coldest day of the year.  After two hours of freezing, 5 of us (including a large car seat) crammed back into my SUV and came back home.
• Dad had to go to the emergency room for a bladder infection and stayed an extra three days.
• We had a horribly, ugly experience with Gary's new drum set on Christmas Day and following day. (if this were a drama show, that would have been an episode worthy of Oscar.) My Dad was a real trooper and helped me through the whole experience.  Had he not been here, I may have walked out of the house to not return for days!
• We had several great meals.  Gary helped with the major meals and was a big help if I asked him.
• I had one day where I REALLY needed a half hour to myself so I decided to go the store.  Quickly, I found the car full of my Dad, Gary and for the first time, my Grandson Xander asked to go the store with Grandma.  It all went pretty well.  I am still waiting on that half hour.
• Today, Gary and I went to see "The Wizard of OZ' at the IMAX theatre with some of my employees.  He sang many of the songs during the movie.  At the end, he clapped and talked about what a great movie it was.  When I pointed out parts of the movie I had not noticed on television, he replied with, "You've seen that movie before? "  I was surprised that he did not remember countless times we had seen it together.  I wonder how he thought he knew the words to the songs?

I will try to keep writing more frequently and regularly.  2015 should be very interesting.....

Confusion: Wife versus daughter

Gary and I had plans to attend the Rancho Cordova Christmas Tree Lighting event on Sunday evening.  Since we are so close, we decided to walk.  So, since it was chilly outside, we bundled up.  I made sure Gary had his phone and I carried mine....just in case. 


Right before we left Gary asked if he should call Ada and tell her to meet us at the park.   I told him that I am Ada.  He looked at me with a rather funny, inquisitive look and said, "I know you are Ada but I'm talking about my wife, Ada Mae."  I knew I was fighting a losing battle but attempted to explain who I was, repeating that we have been married 29 years and that we have never been separated.  I thought we were experiencing the confusion from last week when he thought I was his new wife.  No, he thought I am his daughter, Heather but named Ada for now....


As we walked the .7 mile to the park, Gary pulled out his cell phone and called my cell phone, so I answered.  He got angry that I was answering Ada's cell phone.  After multiple attempts to reach "her", I decided to let the phone go to voicemail.  He left her an extensive message telling her that we would meet her at the Christmas Tree lighting and that once we got there, he would call her back and tell her where to meet us.


At this point, I just accepted his confusion and tried not to feel anything.  During the mini-concert and throughout the event, he could not understand why Ada was not calling him.  I repeatedly explained that I was indeed Ada and I was not going to call him back since I was sitting next to him.  He wasn't getting it.


The tree was lit and the snow and whole event was wonderful.  We proceeded to walk home.  It was very cold and then I realized that he had left his gloves somewhere....another loss.  And those were his good gloves.  (Note to self:  don't buy anything expensive for him...its a waste of money)


We got home and fixed dinner.  The confusion went on for over an hour and he kept calling me Ada but thinking I was Heather (only named Ada).  I got fed up and went into the office to work on the computer.  He called on the cell and I answered.  He asked where I had been and why I had not come to the tree lighting.  (he was in the other room and could not see me).  I explained that I was in our office and he needed to come in and see me.  He did, saw me on the phone and realized who I was.  He went back into the den and announced that his daughter had left. 


I again tried to explain and ended up calling Heather.  She told him that she had been home all day and had not been here.  He sort of got it but spent the rest of the evening telling me about the tree lighting and what a good time they had.


The next morning, he was fine.  I told him that it hurt my feelings but that I understand that he cannot help it.  He hugged me, apologized and we took him to the CLUB.  He had a great day.






































Santa visited the CLUB and Gary told him that he wanted a 40ft sailboat for Christmas.  As a good friend said, "After all, a 60 footer is just too much to handle."


Maybe I'm a little slow, but I am starting to realize that spending time trying to convince him of reality or trying to get him to act differently or have things make sense is just frustrating both of us.  I just need to let go and relax.  Yes, that is what I will practice....yes, that is a good solution for now.


Guess I better start shopping for the yacht.

Ada, separate the emotion!!

It has been a while since I've written.  Mostly due to being incredibly busy and not knowing how to portray properly some of the events due to the detail required to make the story understandable.  It is exhausting....the events and the writing.

In the last week, I have have discovered one thing to be most important for my performance at work and personally.  I have to stay neutral and not get caught up in Gary's erratic emotions.  When I become affected by his emotions, mine get out of control and things go wrong.  The following events are examples of that.....while funny, they are precursors for larger "mess ups" if I don't get a handle on this inability to separate my two worlds emotionally.

Last Wednesday evening, I made the decision to not attend the monthly Chamber of Commerce meeting on Thursday due to my college's Orientation for new students was at the same time and much more important during this period of time in our company sale.  I have always gotten there by 10:00am to do my part, but extra support may be needed so I emailed the appropriate person at the Chamber and slept better.

The plan was to be at the college at 8:00 rather than at City Hall at 8:00 am.  If I played it correctly, I could arise at 6:00, get ready, hit heavy traffic and still be at work on time. Gary's CLUB is closed on Thursday so I did not need to involve that stop.

Gary awoke at 5:30 am and was again staring at me. "Good morning, dear."
"Hi, Garball.  Did you sleep well?" 

"Yes, but I really need to start planning the Yosemite trip.  Can you help me?"

Okay, up it is.  The conversation turned into a full-on argument that lasted until it was time for me to leave.  As I drove up Highway 5, I was trying to stop the intermittent crying and then looked in the mirror.  That was motivation enough....red, puffy eyes and all the make-up was either gone or down on my chin.  Need to plan this out. 

I can stop by CVS pharmacy next to the college and get some fix it makeup and then get quick breakfast and get there by 8:00.  There was an accident on the freeway that slowed things.  (I still have the crying heaves every few minutes.  Stop it Ada, you have to speak this morning.) Then, I realized I had something in my eye that without stopping, was not coming out.   I reached CVS and realized my suit jacket was incredibly snug and uncomfortable but I went in the store and realized I would just have to wear it anyway.   As I entered the door, the security alarm sounded.  I froze because I was trying to remember where the eye drops were in the store, not because of the alarm.  The clerk pointed me in the right direction after explaining the alarm was a system test.  I was so numb that I truly didn't think of it but the adrenaline still hit my system. 

As I walked through the store, there was an elderly, slow-moving man in the aisle ahead of me.  He collapsed over a large water display.  "Are you OK, sir?"
"Yes, sweetie, my back just goes out.  I'll be OK in a few minutes, just leave me here."  Is this day really happening?

Eye drops retrieved, along with eye shadow, mascara and eye liner. I went to the car, washed my eye and proceeded to drop the mascara down the front of my light pink blouse and the too-small-anyway jacket.  Really?  Do I drive 45 minutes back home? No, go buy something.  Off to Target which is the only store open at 8:15. 

The escapades in there were unbelievable.  After several tries, I found a blouse and sweater (way too casual) that did not need ironing and made my way to the cashier.  The fitting room lady freaked when I told her I wanted to wear my purchases.  People just don't do that....you must buy them first.  I reassured her that I was not stealing and convinced her to cut off the tags and walk with me to the register.  Dropping a blouse on the floor in electronics and retrieving it came before the money. 

OK, hey, there is a Starbucks in the front.  Maybe I should get some tea.  I was late for the 8:00 shift where no one was expecting me, so maybe the tea will calm me.

I stood in line.  Who has ever been to a Starbucks with one employee?  There was a man in front of me leaning on the counter. He fell asleep and almost fell.  We chuckled and proceeded to tell me that he had Crohn's disease and that his Mom had died from it.  I heard the family story that ended with "so, I don't know how long I will live, but I get my coffee everyday.  That is all I can enjoy."

Wow.  My heart went from pissed off, angry, upset and feeling sorry for myself to "God bless you."  He blessed me and I decided the day was mine to control and that I needed to control what I was attracting into my day. Thank you, LORD for sending angels.  There, fixed.

On to Orientation.  It was a smooth morning.  I checked in with Gary and shared the whole incident.  He laughed but did not remember the argument or why I was crying in the first place. 

Later in the afternoon, I tried to call Gary on three numbers and the GPS.  No answer.  Repeat.  Repeat.  The GPS software showed the GPS to be at home so if he went walking, he didn't take it. 

After two hours, I decided to drive home.  I had time before the next Orientation to go there and get back.  For forty five minutes home, I hoped he would answer but he didn't.  (I decided to plan not to get upset if he was home, just be happy.) When the garage door opened, he came out of the house and asked why I was home in the middle of the afternoon.  Upon exploration, I found his cell phone turned off, the GPS on the counter and the main home telephone moved to his office.  He could not hear the GPS from upstairs and the home phone he had moved was not plugged into the hard phone line.  It never would ring. 

I moved the phone back to where it belonged, kissed him goodbye and went back to work.  After getting home late, we both slept well.

Now Heather is here.  It is going well and she is a great relief for us. Gary got very stressed, tired and overwhelmed last night.  He had earplugs in while taking a bath so we ended up yelling at each other over whether or not I had told him I would bring him tea.  To make a long story longer, he got very angry and told me that he needed to divorce me and marry someone else.  I will spare you the details of the argument but by the time he went downstairs to let Diva out and came back, he was back to normal.  Meanwhile, I have emotional devastation. 

He awoke this morning apologizing for what he said and telling me how much he loves me.  He remembered! 

Like I said when I started this post, I need to separate my emotions from his.  That talent is hard after 28 years.  I still love him.

Roller Coaster life reveals the Ups and Downs.

Life is quite a ride...with the ups and downs we experience daily, sometimes it feels more like a roller coaster.  Luckily, I have ridden a few in my life so I know what to expect when one slowly works upward, and upward....eventually, you come down the other side.

All last week, our daughter Heather and her 2.5 year old son spent the week with Gary while I went off to some business meetings (see her post from last week).  I really wanted to go and ultimately, had no choice.  We had a Presidents' meeting, a budget meeting and the retirement party for my very dear boss.  All were very eventful and two of them were quite stressful.  Sometimes I forget how stressful my job can be....anyway, Gary apparently did just fine the whole week with less stress and anxiety than when I am at home. That is disturbing.

I came home Thursday night and then back to work Friday.  It is nice having Heather around and Alexander is a blast.  He and Gary have bonded very well.  He is so cute when he has a question and looks to Gary and says, "Papa?"  Watching him have a grandson melts my heart.

We went to church on Saturday evening because Gary has said for many weeks that he was looking forward to praising with Heather.  So, we went and there was no daycare on Saturday so I stayed in the nursery with Xander and let Gary and Heather go to the service.  Xander and I could hear the music from the nursery so at one point, he was playing along with the music pounding on a xylophone and I drummed on the drums that looked alot like a firefighter's hat! 
He missed his mama about half way through, so I spent the rest of the service keeping him occupied.  I guess we bonded, too.

The pastor's wife checked on us and reported that Gary and Heather were singing together and praising....just like he envisioned!  I can imagine the smile on his face as he put his arm around his "girl".  Jesus must have liked it as well.

The following day found us taking the kids to the train in Stockton.  It was sad to see them go home.  We got to wave at them from the platform.

Gary and I had some tension in the evening. He returned to the CLUB this morning and was smiling at the crafts table when I left him. He had a great day and made it home using the Paratransit system and E-Van with no issues.  He took Diva for a way-too-long walk and of course, forgot to wear his GPS even though I reminded him.  I ended up driving to pick them up so that Diva did not get overtired.  I was pretty upset about lots of things that happened today, so this kind of put me over the edge. He noticed and said, "are you angry with me?"

I explained my stress of the day and he then understood.  He always apologizes and I always go soft......or really, I just bury the anger.  We spent some time outside watering the plants and then had leftovers.  He is tired at 9:00 and went to bed. 

I often wonder what our future will hold.  Will he stay as he is?  Will he further decline?  Should we travel?  Can he handle it?  There is so much more to do in life....I'm not sure of the approach. 

There is Panama.....our dream house awaits in a fabulous neighborhood.  Not sure how I would earn enough income but perhaps our quality of life would be better.  I could teach online.....I did earn that Masters Degree in Education so I could do that.  Wow, the risk.  Then again, how risky is any move?



On another note, five headhunters have called this week trying to boost their business with yet another placement.  How flattering that was in the old days but not anymore.  Gary will have difficulty with any other moves we make because he needs routine....and cabinet labels, lots of cabinet labels! Our entire kitchen and all his closets and drawers are labeled with their contents.  He still can't find things....

I ask all who read this to pray that he stays happy and that I am able to assist him in not being overwhelmed and have anxiety.  Those are the worst times of all because I can't fix it.  For a control freak, that is Hell. 

A Man’s Memories… or a lack thereof.

A Man’s Memories… or a lack thereof.

Today’s blog post is being written by Gary’s daughter Heather.

My son Alexander and I arrived in Elk Grove on Monday night. We came down to help take care of my Dad for the week while Ada was away at some school meetings. Ada left on Tuesday morning and is due back Thursday evening, tonight.

Well the week seemed to run pretty smoothly, only a couple of mishaps. Dad had forgotten that I had given him his morning pills one day and without my knowledge took his morning pills a second time. So after noticing that he had double dosed himself I have since hidden the pills and we are back to the correct amount and on schedule. Then there was the house hunt for Diva’s missing collar. I finally remembered that Dad had brushed her fur earlier in the day and found the collar in the back yard where he had unknowingly to me, taken it off.

Even though Dad was reminded every day and night that Ada would not be home until Thursday evening he still seemed to forget. Xander and I sleep in the guest bedroom of course, which upon occasion is where Ada ends up sleeping when Dad is too loud. I sleep with the room in pitch black darkness, no night lights or anything. So at 3:15 this morning I awoke to the sound of the guest bedroom door being opened. Since I was unexpectedly awakened it took me a moment or so to get my bearings on the situation. I heard Dad asking why I was in here and I said, “Because its bed time, it’s the middle of the night”. He continued to ask why I was in here and I said, “Because this is the guest bedroom”. He kept telling me he knew that, but why was I in here and I again said, “It’s the guest bedroom, this is where I sleep”. Then he said, “Was I being too loud?” I said, “I don’t know”. That’s when my brain finally kicked on and it dawned on me that he thought I was Ada. So of course I told him, “It’s Heather Dad, remember Ada is away at the school meetings and she won’t be home until Thursday night”. He finally understood, apologized and went back to bed. At 6:50 this morning I was again awoken by the sound of the bedroom door opening. At this time the sun was shining in and it lit the room up well enough that you could see everything in the room without the lights on. I popped my head up and asked if Dad needed something he continued walking into the room saying that he figured he must have done something wrong to have run me out of the bedroom last night. I said, “Dad I’m Heather remember, Ada is gone”. That’s when it struck him I guess as he starred at me and said, “Oh you’re Heather, that’s right”. I told him he was going to wake the baby as he continued to state that Ada was gone. He walked out and closed the door behind him.

I am so thankful that my Dad has been blessed with a great wife who loves him completely and unconditionally. I love Ada with all my heart. She may not be my mother and since she’s not much older than me I don’t even call her my step mom, which she technically is. None of that even matters. To me she is family and she always will be! To Xander she is Grandma and she always will be. I only have one thing to ask of her; Ada please don’t leave this world before my Dad does because he would be utterly lost without you.