I'm nearing the decision to not take Gary to the store with me anymore. It is too stressful. It is my problem, not his but I just hate it. My spontaneous nature hates the idea of having to plan ahead for every little thing.
I only needed milk and some vegetable to make spaghetti sauce. My thoughts centered around the fact that all we had to do was run in the store.....right.
Here is a breakdown of the events once entering the store parking lot. "Honey, what are we buying?'' I told him. It took me walking around to the passenger side, taking his arm, coaching him to put out both feet and put them on the ground and tugging hard to get him out of the car. At a snails pace, we stopped to get a shopping cart as I thought if he drove and I walked beside him I could go faster. Why do faster, Ada? Well, I don't want to spend the WHOLE day in the store, that's why.
The walking-beside-me idea did not work as we approached the dreaded Girl Scout Cookie exhibit. Of course, he had to stop and inquire. The sweet little girls do not understand when the mean old lady (me) would not let the nice old man buy cookies.
We went into the store and I strategically planned our route to get to the milk the fastest. Gary's shirt was untucked from his sweatpants. Oh No! I knew he would soon discover this and start tucking his shirt in his pants. Imagine the old man walking through the store with both hands down his pants moving them rapidly to tuck in his shirt. It looks like other things to the untrained eye. I knew it was coming.
"Gary, hold on to the buggy while we go through the store. Gary, stay with me. Gary follow me. Gary hold on to my belt loop. Gary, don't pull down my jeans. Honey, take your hands out of your pants, your shirt-tail is tucked in fine. Gary, stop tying and untying your pants! Gary. take your hands out of your pants, Gary. Gary." I noticed a man standing nearby staring at us. He had overheard this bantering and Gary's response to each. He scowled at me. HE SCOWLED AT ME!
I wanted to scream at Him, "if you can do better, come over here and train me! Have you ever done this? " A nasty name came to mind but I zipped my mouth and only thought of him as an anal orifice.
Nearing the check out counter, I noticed the cashier is one who has helped us before and smiled quietly as Gary read all the names of the candy bars, signs and specials. Today was no different. The cashier asked, "How are we today?" My guttural response was, "I am stressed, thank you." He glanced at Gary as if to say, "no wonder."
We finished the transaction and started our way back to the car. "Gary, walk beside me and help guide the cart." He did, but pulled so strongly that the cart started to make a circle into the lady walking next to us. I corrected the turn with one hand and it hurt. (Old injury from sailing).
We made it to the car after nearly dragging Gary across the parking lot. I put him in the passenger side and closed to door. Suddenly, I remembered the events at the airport over Christmas when he locked me out of the car. I grabbed my keys and loaded the groceries. Just leaving him long enough to walk the cart to the drop off area is stressful.
Once back in the car, he asked if we were going into the store now. The ride home was quiet and he is now sleeping in the massage chair. Whew!
One more freedom that has to be compartmentalized into a schedule.
Sunday, February 28, 2016
Saturday, February 27, 2016
Gary's mid afternoon shower
Gary has now had an MRI and an EEG and we are just waiting on the results. I can guess that the new neurologist will determine that he has dementia. Duh...
In preparation for the procedures, we took Gary off all the nutritional supplements that I was giving him to keep him calm and increase brain functionality. I would have guessed that he would have been a nervous wreck but instead he was lethargic and lost a lot of energy.
Now that he is back on them, he appears to have improved some however, that will never mean normal.
Today, I took him on a quick trip to the bank, UPS store and grocery. When I took him into the garage to get in the car (with the garage door open), he headed straight for Heather's car rather than mine that was next to him. He tried to get in her driver's side all while I am yelling at him to come back and he was at the wrong car. I put down all I was carrying and went to him. I could not get him to look away from the door handle on this wrong car. Finally, I pulled very hard on his arm and fought me and moved to her back door. I took me three more tries which included putting my face directly into his to get his attention.
After getting into the correct vehicle he settled. He stayed beside me at the store and behaved for the most part. We came home and took a nap. I always sleep a shorter time so I got up and went downstairs to catch up on email. The bedroom door was open and I heard nothing. Diva asked to go out and then as I walked to the other room, Heather said, "what is that noise." "Dang it, Diva go find Dad! What is he doing now?
Upon entering the master bath, I found him in the shower and lathering his hair. Fully clothed in jeans, t-shirt and MY fleece bedroom slippers, he had decided that he needed a shower. I stripped him down and found he had soiled his diaper with pee and must have felt that was bad. I let him finish his shower and moved him down to the massage chair.
Every day is a new adventure with this disease. An old friend is coming to visit on Tuesday. We had not heard from her since around 2006. I gave her this link and tried to prepare her that he is not the Gary we once knew. It will be fascinating to watch.
In preparation for the procedures, we took Gary off all the nutritional supplements that I was giving him to keep him calm and increase brain functionality. I would have guessed that he would have been a nervous wreck but instead he was lethargic and lost a lot of energy.
Now that he is back on them, he appears to have improved some however, that will never mean normal.
Today, I took him on a quick trip to the bank, UPS store and grocery. When I took him into the garage to get in the car (with the garage door open), he headed straight for Heather's car rather than mine that was next to him. He tried to get in her driver's side all while I am yelling at him to come back and he was at the wrong car. I put down all I was carrying and went to him. I could not get him to look away from the door handle on this wrong car. Finally, I pulled very hard on his arm and fought me and moved to her back door. I took me three more tries which included putting my face directly into his to get his attention.
After getting into the correct vehicle he settled. He stayed beside me at the store and behaved for the most part. We came home and took a nap. I always sleep a shorter time so I got up and went downstairs to catch up on email. The bedroom door was open and I heard nothing. Diva asked to go out and then as I walked to the other room, Heather said, "what is that noise." "Dang it, Diva go find Dad! What is he doing now?
Upon entering the master bath, I found him in the shower and lathering his hair. Fully clothed in jeans, t-shirt and MY fleece bedroom slippers, he had decided that he needed a shower. I stripped him down and found he had soiled his diaper with pee and must have felt that was bad. I let him finish his shower and moved him down to the massage chair.
Every day is a new adventure with this disease. An old friend is coming to visit on Tuesday. We had not heard from her since around 2006. I gave her this link and tried to prepare her that he is not the Gary we once knew. It will be fascinating to watch.
Sunday, February 21, 2016
The Split Personality Required to Be an Executive AND a Caregiver
Ever since I met Gary in 1985, I have been focused on my career. We started together selling campground memberships/timeshare and later, oil wells. We were incredibly successful with Network Marketing. I worked as an Admissions Advisor, Director of Admissions, Corporate Director of Admissions, Associate Director, Campus President, Provost and now Executive Director. I like to think that all were promotions or a better place.
Until about seven years ago, Gary was my husband, mentor and teacher. He taught me about sales, reinforced integrity, and taught me how to think critically in every situation. I am a free spirit by nature so learning the skill of using my left brain was often tough. He hung in there and eventually, I became an Executive. While he was proud of me, he also hated that in the latter years I had surpassed his success.
When it comes to Gary, I am not sure what came first, his failure or his Dementia. He started projects that were never finished. Was it boredom or was he hiding a weakness in his thinking?
I remember vividly coming home from my former College one day when I was facing a particularly difficult day of downsizing. We were so close as a work family that it was devastating to know that I had to ask someone to leave. I asked for advice from Gary. He looked me squarely in the eye and said, "Honey, I don't know what to tell you. I have nothing left to teach you.....you learned all I have to teach and you are better than me."
On one hand I was thrilled and at the same time crushed. While I watched him pour himself a triple whiskey and coke, I made a decision. He often begged me to quit my job and stay home to work with him. I decided that no matter what, I had to continue with my success because someday I may need to be the strong one. In retrospect, my wisdom then surpassed my situation. I had no concept then of what I would be facing with his dementia that was to come.
If you have never had to decide between work and family, I hope you never do. I was challenged with learning to balance the 50+ hour job and taking care of things at home. Even when Gary was still working, I spent weekends managing the books, troubleshooting the computers, marketing the current product or designing a campaign of some sort. We worked hard and we played hard.
I remember many nights coming home from work after a long day and spending 5-6 more hours in the office. We made a lot of money. We lost just as much as Gary started failing and took over the business as I focused on my job.
Before we moved from Elk Grove, there were times when I would have a crisis at work and would call him to say I would be late. The situation was always the same. I would ask if he could feed Diva (our beagle) and start dinner until I got home. Many times he did and many times I would find him at the computer having not eaten nor started anything.
When our accountant told us to short sale our house due to the price being nearly $300k under what we owed, I really started seeing his problems. He could not make decisions without significant input. He had hired a team to raise enough money to build a Dementia Care facility. He would drive around Elk Grove to find an appropriate tract and call the same broker he had called three times before never remembering that he had.
All the while, I was running a college and doing the best I could. Is that an excuse? Maybe, maybe not.
Now, seven years later, Gary is never to be alone for fear of him falling, burning the house with the stove or walking out to never return. He goes to day care five days per week and must have a caregiver at all times until I come home.
Due to my years of compartmentalizing home and work, I can focus on work while at work. In fact, having to escape thinking of him has made me a stronger Director. I immerse myself in Profit and Loss Statements, team building and providing a quality education to the near 1600+ students who are working on their B .S. degrees.
While at home, I must focus on him. I must start to plan for the future. How will I afford the long term care that he is going to need? I need to remember to tell the agency what days I will need someone late because I have a ceremony or dinner, etc. I cannot afford to miss a beat in either role.
Sometimes it is like having a split personality. I don't have that affliction but could function well if I needed to do so.
Until about seven years ago, Gary was my husband, mentor and teacher. He taught me about sales, reinforced integrity, and taught me how to think critically in every situation. I am a free spirit by nature so learning the skill of using my left brain was often tough. He hung in there and eventually, I became an Executive. While he was proud of me, he also hated that in the latter years I had surpassed his success.
When it comes to Gary, I am not sure what came first, his failure or his Dementia. He started projects that were never finished. Was it boredom or was he hiding a weakness in his thinking?
I remember vividly coming home from my former College one day when I was facing a particularly difficult day of downsizing. We were so close as a work family that it was devastating to know that I had to ask someone to leave. I asked for advice from Gary. He looked me squarely in the eye and said, "Honey, I don't know what to tell you. I have nothing left to teach you.....you learned all I have to teach and you are better than me."
On one hand I was thrilled and at the same time crushed. While I watched him pour himself a triple whiskey and coke, I made a decision. He often begged me to quit my job and stay home to work with him. I decided that no matter what, I had to continue with my success because someday I may need to be the strong one. In retrospect, my wisdom then surpassed my situation. I had no concept then of what I would be facing with his dementia that was to come.
If you have never had to decide between work and family, I hope you never do. I was challenged with learning to balance the 50+ hour job and taking care of things at home. Even when Gary was still working, I spent weekends managing the books, troubleshooting the computers, marketing the current product or designing a campaign of some sort. We worked hard and we played hard.
I remember many nights coming home from work after a long day and spending 5-6 more hours in the office. We made a lot of money. We lost just as much as Gary started failing and took over the business as I focused on my job.
Before we moved from Elk Grove, there were times when I would have a crisis at work and would call him to say I would be late. The situation was always the same. I would ask if he could feed Diva (our beagle) and start dinner until I got home. Many times he did and many times I would find him at the computer having not eaten nor started anything.
When our accountant told us to short sale our house due to the price being nearly $300k under what we owed, I really started seeing his problems. He could not make decisions without significant input. He had hired a team to raise enough money to build a Dementia Care facility. He would drive around Elk Grove to find an appropriate tract and call the same broker he had called three times before never remembering that he had.
All the while, I was running a college and doing the best I could. Is that an excuse? Maybe, maybe not.
Now, seven years later, Gary is never to be alone for fear of him falling, burning the house with the stove or walking out to never return. He goes to day care five days per week and must have a caregiver at all times until I come home.
Due to my years of compartmentalizing home and work, I can focus on work while at work. In fact, having to escape thinking of him has made me a stronger Director. I immerse myself in Profit and Loss Statements, team building and providing a quality education to the near 1600+ students who are working on their B .S. degrees.
While at home, I must focus on him. I must start to plan for the future. How will I afford the long term care that he is going to need? I need to remember to tell the agency what days I will need someone late because I have a ceremony or dinner, etc. I cannot afford to miss a beat in either role.
Sometimes it is like having a split personality. I don't have that affliction but could function well if I needed to do so.
Getting an MRI with Valium
I get so frustrated with Gary sometimes that I want to scream....and I do. However, yesterday, I made it through without yelling, screaming or going nuts.
He was scheduled for an MRI at 1:30. The doctor gave us a valium to give him prior to the procedure. Part of the procedure is that one lies on a plank, head in a container and stillness is critical. I knew that would be a problem due to his constant talking, wiggling, patting, drumming and whatever else strikes him at the time.
I gave him the Valium before we left home and as we drove to the office, I watched him starting to slide down the seat. We arrived at the office and I managed to get him out of the car....painfully slow and always at risk of him falling asleep. After checking in, the nurse told us we needed to get back in the car and drive through the parking lot to the mobile trailer. Really?
I got him back in the car after quite a struggle. We drove to the mobile trailer, parked and then started the struggle of getting him out of the car and up the steps (about 8) and into the trailer. It was like assisting a drunk person trying to walk. All his weight was on me. As we got to the top step, the technician came out and said that he did not have a waiting room and that we needed to wait outside. He helped me get Gary safely back down the steps and I tried to walk him around the parking lot. He walked like Tim Conway when he played the old man on the Carol Burnett Show. The only difference was the reality of the moment.
I put him back in the car and waited. He was groggy. After 20 minutes, the technician came out and helped get him to the lift on the side of the trailer. He was quite helpful.
The near hour long procedure was performed with Gary taped to the board. I was allowed to touch his legs and arms as necessary. He fell asleep and started snoring so of course, that was forbidden movement. He got cold at one point and crossed his arms. He crossed his legs. He has a horrible cough and moved a tremendous amount.
When done, the technician said that he thought the tests were okay but borderline due to the movement. He assisted in getting Gary back in the car and he slept most of the way home.
Upon returning home, he slept most of the afternoon. I had some quiet hours. It was precious.
There are many feelings associated with losing a loved one to dementia. He is still here physically and mentally, there is a person there, but not necessarily my Gary. It is some other form of a man. He doesn't think like him, nor act like him but he still knows my touch and tells me he loves me.
I feel anger. Remorse. Anger. Pain. Grief. Anxiety. Frustration. Love. Did I mention Anger? Questioning. Rage.
I had my own frustrations this week. I ended up skipping a Nursing Pinning Ceremony and went to Urgent Care with a piercing pain in my side. They referred me to the ER for a CT scan. Diverticulitis was the diagnosis. I managed to get the prescriptions filled and am on heavy doses of antibiotics and am not needing the pain pills.
This too will pass and life will go on. While sitting hooked to an IV in the ER, it would have been nice to have my husband beside me or at least available by phone. There was no point in even trying as he is just clueless to the emotion of others. He still laughs and gets frustrated...the only way I can describe him is disconnected and distant.
What is next? Only God knows.
He was scheduled for an MRI at 1:30. The doctor gave us a valium to give him prior to the procedure. Part of the procedure is that one lies on a plank, head in a container and stillness is critical. I knew that would be a problem due to his constant talking, wiggling, patting, drumming and whatever else strikes him at the time.
I gave him the Valium before we left home and as we drove to the office, I watched him starting to slide down the seat. We arrived at the office and I managed to get him out of the car....painfully slow and always at risk of him falling asleep. After checking in, the nurse told us we needed to get back in the car and drive through the parking lot to the mobile trailer. Really?
I got him back in the car after quite a struggle. We drove to the mobile trailer, parked and then started the struggle of getting him out of the car and up the steps (about 8) and into the trailer. It was like assisting a drunk person trying to walk. All his weight was on me. As we got to the top step, the technician came out and said that he did not have a waiting room and that we needed to wait outside. He helped me get Gary safely back down the steps and I tried to walk him around the parking lot. He walked like Tim Conway when he played the old man on the Carol Burnett Show. The only difference was the reality of the moment.
I put him back in the car and waited. He was groggy. After 20 minutes, the technician came out and helped get him to the lift on the side of the trailer. He was quite helpful.
The near hour long procedure was performed with Gary taped to the board. I was allowed to touch his legs and arms as necessary. He fell asleep and started snoring so of course, that was forbidden movement. He got cold at one point and crossed his arms. He crossed his legs. He has a horrible cough and moved a tremendous amount.
When done, the technician said that he thought the tests were okay but borderline due to the movement. He assisted in getting Gary back in the car and he slept most of the way home.
Upon returning home, he slept most of the afternoon. I had some quiet hours. It was precious.
There are many feelings associated with losing a loved one to dementia. He is still here physically and mentally, there is a person there, but not necessarily my Gary. It is some other form of a man. He doesn't think like him, nor act like him but he still knows my touch and tells me he loves me.
I feel anger. Remorse. Anger. Pain. Grief. Anxiety. Frustration. Love. Did I mention Anger? Questioning. Rage.
I had my own frustrations this week. I ended up skipping a Nursing Pinning Ceremony and went to Urgent Care with a piercing pain in my side. They referred me to the ER for a CT scan. Diverticulitis was the diagnosis. I managed to get the prescriptions filled and am on heavy doses of antibiotics and am not needing the pain pills.
This too will pass and life will go on. While sitting hooked to an IV in the ER, it would have been nice to have my husband beside me or at least available by phone. There was no point in even trying as he is just clueless to the emotion of others. He still laughs and gets frustrated...the only way I can describe him is disconnected and distant.
What is next? Only God knows.
Saturday, February 13, 2016
Continued decline and the Circle of Life
On Friday, I took Gary to the new Neurologist. We are about to undergo an MRI and an EEG. His decline has been rapid and the doctor wants to check out all the possibilities.
During that meeting, he recommended that I talk to our Primary Care Physician about Medicare and Financial Assistance that might be available to me as a caregiver. I had my own appointment later in the day with the PCP so I knew that I would ask him.
Unbelievably, when I got there, the doctor asked me about Medicare and whether or not I had registered Gary. The neurologist had sent him a message during the day to give him a heads up. At least some people still care and communicate.
During my visit, the doctor asked about Gary and we discussed decline, incontinence, vitamins and the circle of life. He stood and drew an imaginary circle in the air and talked about the infant, child and the elder as it relates to behavior and body functions. So true.
I was diagnosed with asthma related to allergies and was given medication. Its hard to do all that I do when I am hacking up a lung and having difficulty breathing. I hope it helps.
Meanwhile, back at the Gerard ranch....Heather and Xander are gone for the weekend so I'm on my own. Gary and I went to bed early and I followed the normal ritual.
"Gary, please go to the toilet and pee." It is important to point out the part about the toilet as he often whips out his penis to pee wherever he stands.
He did go to the bathroom and we went to bed. I was fast asleep at 3:15 when he awakened me and asked me to untie his pajama pants that he was holding in his hand while sti
Saturday, February 6, 2016
Urine Chronicles: Loss of two pair of Dress shoes
Life sure has its changes.
Gary and I have been married 30+ years. We have traveled to many countries, lived in waaay too many places and shared incredible adventures. I am thankful that during those years we did not stay home and wait on retirement. We would never have had those adventures.
In 2016, it is difficult just taking him to do errands. I cannot imagine ever vacationing with him again. That makes me incredibly sad, as we so loved traveling and playing in exotic, fun places.
I day dream of going to Cuba and seeing the for-so-long-forbidden-to-America land and meeting the people. I long to go back to Panama where we were to retire and play golf and hike.
Now, just to go meet friends for dinner, I have to arrange for a caregiver....and then worry the whole time. It is not right nor fair. But it is what it is.
This was an incredibly tough week. I am sick with a bad cough and no energy. Our new caregiver is working out well and Gary seems to listen to her. He was kicked off the transportation bus due to constantly unbuckling his seat belt, taking off his shoes and at least twice, threw his shoes at the driver. (I have a hard time believing that one but he must have been terribly frustrated by something). So, now his caregiver, Jessica, goes to his day care and picks him up. So far her biggest issue is that he likes to click the window button....constantly.
On Friday, I came home to find Gary and Jessica sitting at our dining table together and he was coloring a picture. He sat quietly and without comment as she explained the events of the afternoon.
Normally, while he takes a nap, she sits downstairs or works on assignments while he sleeps. She can hear him get out of bed and checks on him to prepare him for a walk. This day, she did not hear him get out of bed, but rather heard something a few minutes later. She entered the bedroom to find it empty and walked in to the master suite where he was standing fully clothed, in the shower, peeing. She let him finished and then noticed that he had a pair of jeans in his hand. Since they were "damp", she looked around and followed a trail into my master closet. Sure enough, I had not put away two of my best pairs of shoes and had those same jeans on the floor ready to put on upon arrival from work. He had urinated in my best pair of shoes and soaked the suede pair of pumps.
The poor girl cleaned it up and placed the shoes where I could decide whether or not to toss them out. Let's examine that picture for a moment. Can you imagine me sitting in a conference room at the college on a warm day and the feet start to warm up, sweat and activate that smell? I don't think so. Both pair went into the trash.
Meanwhile, back at the dining table as she told me the story. I was so sick and tired that I just stood there and listened. There was no emotion. Gary showed no reaction as if he were hearing a fiction novel centered around his life.
Today, we had to run to the UPS Store to send a document to Florida by Monday. One of the persons who defrauded us in 2012 was found guilty and had sentencing next week. We are hoping for some restitution. Again, Gary remembers none of this and I am the one chasing the dreams alone.
Immediately before leaving the house, Gary used the toilet and we got in the car. Within minutes of heading down the Anaheim Hills, he announced that he needed to pee. I swallowed my judgment and anger and asked if he could hold it until we finished mailing the letter. He said yes. NOTE TO SELF: don't believe him.
We went into the UPS Store while I held his hand and led him like a small child. He again stated that he needed to pee. While standing in line, he said, "Ada, I'm peeing."
I looked down and saw nothing. Viola, the diaper worked! I haven't been so delighted in quite a while. However, he doesn't realize that his new underwear is actually a diaper and could not understand why his jeans were not wet. So, he kept feeling himself looking for moisture. I verbalized that I was glad he was wearing a diaper for the benefit of the guy behind the counter. He grinned and seemed relieved. Can you imagine overhearing the conversation without benefit of the background. In retrospect, it was pretty funny.
The next decision was whether I continue to the grocery to pick up three items knowing his diaper was wet or going home, changing him and coming back. Kids go for a while with a wet diaper, right?
So ten minutes later, we exited the store (fastest I have ever got him to navigate the store) and went home.
What a day.....
Gary and I have been married 30+ years. We have traveled to many countries, lived in waaay too many places and shared incredible adventures. I am thankful that during those years we did not stay home and wait on retirement. We would never have had those adventures.
In 2016, it is difficult just taking him to do errands. I cannot imagine ever vacationing with him again. That makes me incredibly sad, as we so loved traveling and playing in exotic, fun places.
I day dream of going to Cuba and seeing the for-so-long-forbidden-to-America land and meeting the people. I long to go back to Panama where we were to retire and play golf and hike.
Now, just to go meet friends for dinner, I have to arrange for a caregiver....and then worry the whole time. It is not right nor fair. But it is what it is.
This was an incredibly tough week. I am sick with a bad cough and no energy. Our new caregiver is working out well and Gary seems to listen to her. He was kicked off the transportation bus due to constantly unbuckling his seat belt, taking off his shoes and at least twice, threw his shoes at the driver. (I have a hard time believing that one but he must have been terribly frustrated by something). So, now his caregiver, Jessica, goes to his day care and picks him up. So far her biggest issue is that he likes to click the window button....constantly.
On Friday, I came home to find Gary and Jessica sitting at our dining table together and he was coloring a picture. He sat quietly and without comment as she explained the events of the afternoon.
Normally, while he takes a nap, she sits downstairs or works on assignments while he sleeps. She can hear him get out of bed and checks on him to prepare him for a walk. This day, she did not hear him get out of bed, but rather heard something a few minutes later. She entered the bedroom to find it empty and walked in to the master suite where he was standing fully clothed, in the shower, peeing. She let him finished and then noticed that he had a pair of jeans in his hand. Since they were "damp", she looked around and followed a trail into my master closet. Sure enough, I had not put away two of my best pairs of shoes and had those same jeans on the floor ready to put on upon arrival from work. He had urinated in my best pair of shoes and soaked the suede pair of pumps.
The poor girl cleaned it up and placed the shoes where I could decide whether or not to toss them out. Let's examine that picture for a moment. Can you imagine me sitting in a conference room at the college on a warm day and the feet start to warm up, sweat and activate that smell? I don't think so. Both pair went into the trash.
Meanwhile, back at the dining table as she told me the story. I was so sick and tired that I just stood there and listened. There was no emotion. Gary showed no reaction as if he were hearing a fiction novel centered around his life.
Today, we had to run to the UPS Store to send a document to Florida by Monday. One of the persons who defrauded us in 2012 was found guilty and had sentencing next week. We are hoping for some restitution. Again, Gary remembers none of this and I am the one chasing the dreams alone.
Immediately before leaving the house, Gary used the toilet and we got in the car. Within minutes of heading down the Anaheim Hills, he announced that he needed to pee. I swallowed my judgment and anger and asked if he could hold it until we finished mailing the letter. He said yes. NOTE TO SELF: don't believe him.
We went into the UPS Store while I held his hand and led him like a small child. He again stated that he needed to pee. While standing in line, he said, "Ada, I'm peeing."
I looked down and saw nothing. Viola, the diaper worked! I haven't been so delighted in quite a while. However, he doesn't realize that his new underwear is actually a diaper and could not understand why his jeans were not wet. So, he kept feeling himself looking for moisture. I verbalized that I was glad he was wearing a diaper for the benefit of the guy behind the counter. He grinned and seemed relieved. Can you imagine overhearing the conversation without benefit of the background. In retrospect, it was pretty funny.
The next decision was whether I continue to the grocery to pick up three items knowing his diaper was wet or going home, changing him and coming back. Kids go for a while with a wet diaper, right?
So ten minutes later, we exited the store (fastest I have ever got him to navigate the store) and went home.
What a day.....
Sunday, January 24, 2016
I colored in a coloring book today....for hours.
It has been a normal day. We awoke early and I decided to fix breakfast. After waffles and sausage, the coffee tasted good.
Gary took direction well while showering. All with commands (one at a time), he showered, brushed his teeth, combed his hair, got dressed and got ready to go to the store. We went to Target with little drama. We shopped and came home.
I made a delightful chicken salad and we ate. We took advantage of my new coloring books and colored for a while. Then Gary took a nap while I watched the playoff game and colored some more. I colored a lot. It is good thinking time. It is good to think. I made no profound proclamations but feel good.
A nap sounded good so I joined Gary for a while. As I "napped" he talked or whispered incessantly. I am able to tune him out most of the time. How sad that I have to do that but it is a way to stay sane.
He ate dinner and is sitting in the massage chair now. He has settled in very nicely with the new caregiver. She is very sweet and capable. She still has patience.
So, we will start another week. Thank you, Lord.
Gary took direction well while showering. All with commands (one at a time), he showered, brushed his teeth, combed his hair, got dressed and got ready to go to the store. We went to Target with little drama. We shopped and came home.
I made a delightful chicken salad and we ate. We took advantage of my new coloring books and colored for a while. Then Gary took a nap while I watched the playoff game and colored some more. I colored a lot. It is good thinking time. It is good to think. I made no profound proclamations but feel good.
A nap sounded good so I joined Gary for a while. As I "napped" he talked or whispered incessantly. I am able to tune him out most of the time. How sad that I have to do that but it is a way to stay sane.
He ate dinner and is sitting in the massage chair now. He has settled in very nicely with the new caregiver. She is very sweet and capable. She still has patience.
So, we will start another week. Thank you, Lord.
Monday, January 11, 2016
Urine Chronicles - The Prequel
I would like someone to explain something to me. The answer will satisfy my curiosity if it comes from a male or from a female who stands to pee.
Twice now, I have left Gary standing at the toilet preparing to urinate. Twice, I have left him alone for privacy and walked away. Twice, he has saturated his pants and socks while standing at the toilet with his penis in his hand. This last time, he was still standing there saying that he was trying to pee but couldn't. The only thing I can figure is that he is indeed peeing but not aiming well and missing the toilet and it is just running down his pants. Thoughts?
I know that it is weird to inquire but the logic behind how this keeps happening is driving me nuts. The "adult underwear" is not working because he doesn't often lose control.....but when he does, we will be ready!!! This is more of a Gary-is-not-aware-of-his-pointer or the-stream-is-not-fully-flowing issue. Any advice would be considered and appreciated.
I am keenly aware that a solution is to go with him every time and supervise...can't do as I am not here all the time and the poor caregivers may not want to do that. He has the mind control, for the most part, to not go in a diaper.....we are in between urine problems. So, I have named this blog "The Urine Chronicles" with the hope that there is no sequel.
We start with a new caregiver on Monday. I'm sure there will be a story or two in our future.
Twice now, I have left Gary standing at the toilet preparing to urinate. Twice, I have left him alone for privacy and walked away. Twice, he has saturated his pants and socks while standing at the toilet with his penis in his hand. This last time, he was still standing there saying that he was trying to pee but couldn't. The only thing I can figure is that he is indeed peeing but not aiming well and missing the toilet and it is just running down his pants. Thoughts?
I know that it is weird to inquire but the logic behind how this keeps happening is driving me nuts. The "adult underwear" is not working because he doesn't often lose control.....but when he does, we will be ready!!! This is more of a Gary-is-not-aware-of-his-pointer or the-stream-is-not-fully-flowing issue. Any advice would be considered and appreciated.
I am keenly aware that a solution is to go with him every time and supervise...can't do as I am not here all the time and the poor caregivers may not want to do that. He has the mind control, for the most part, to not go in a diaper.....we are in between urine problems. So, I have named this blog "The Urine Chronicles" with the hope that there is no sequel.
We start with a new caregiver on Monday. I'm sure there will be a story or two in our future.
Friday, January 8, 2016
Caught in Hurricane Ada
I had a dream last night. In the dream, Gary and I were on a sailboat somewhere on the ocean. The conditions were similar to a time when we were on a sailboat in the West Indies in the middle of the night, riding out a squall with 40 knot winds (this really happened to us). The boat was rocking and surfing the waves while the fear of not being in control was very real. Panic had set in despite the fact that the crew and captain were well in control.
When in a storm on a boat, if waves and winds get unsafe, the first step is to put out a storm sail. That is a smaller than normal sail that gives you more control of the boat. If things get really bad, you can perform a maneuver called a "heave to" which stops the forward movement of the boat and gives you a few moments to breathe while you rest or possibly check the conditions of the boat.
In my dream, we had done all those things. I kept hearing water running and slightly awoke to realize that I was not in storm conditions and the sound I hear was Gary peeing. Since his Dementia diagnosis, I normally awaken when he leaves the bed at night. This time, I guess due to the "storm" I had missed him leaving the bed/boat. He was standing in the bathroom adjacent to our bedroom peeing on the floor, trashcan and decorator baskets. I screamed at him as if he were about to go overboard. (Had we been on a real boat, he might have been in danger of being pushed :)) He was five feet from the toilet and was in a dazed state - or asleep.
At 1:30 am, the rest of the story included clean up, questioning and a tremendous amount of meditation to try and counter the adrenalin/fury.
Back to bed. He remembers none of it. I remember every detail. Yuk!
So, there is fatigue on the horizon of today. I started thinking of the comparison of my current life as it relates to the storm analogy in my dream. If I can remember my sailing experiences and make sure I just always assume bad weather and sail nothing except a storm sail, maybe I can remain in better control. If I can remember when tired to "heave to" and stop the chaos, I can think and rest a moment. I still do not have clarity on how to stop the waves and wind of dementia but if I keep these tricks in mind, I may not join him in the insanity.
Another trick might be to pretend that I am in the eye of a hurricane. Winds are raging all around and there are unsafe and confusing particles flying everywhere....but for the moment, I am safe in the eye. Now, if I can just stay here.....I used to joke about being called Hurricane Ada. This is NOT what I had in mind.
Sunday, January 3, 2016
* Edited: There is no sobbing tonight. I am numb.
**This blog has been edited as the original was misleading. I realized that in it, I hurt my daughter Heather's feelings in that it appears I was furious because they keep their door locked. Quite the contrary. I am in complete agreement that they keep their doors locked as Gary has been found sleeping in their beds and being there when he shouldn't be. I was furious with the world and with Gary, not Heather and Xander. In fact, had the door not been locked, he most likely would have peed in their room as opposed to the hallway. So, I'm glad she let me know she was hurt....I had another good cry because of it. I love you, Heather.
Today started normally. Gary and I got were awakened by Xander, our 4 year old grandson squealing about something he considered delightful. I got up and went to the kitchen to make coffee and breakfast since we can no longer go to church.
My thoughts were on taking down the Christmas tree and doing some tax preparation. After I finished breakfast, I left Gary at the table while I went upstairs to go to the bathroom. I was gone about five minutes. As I walked out into our upstairs hallway, I witnessed Gary standing in the hallway next to a locked bathroom peeing.
After inquisition, screaming and lots of anger, it was determined that he had to go badly and rather than ask where the bathroom was, he attempted to follow me. Since Heather and Xander keep their doors locked, he stopped to try those (as he does frequently) before losing all hope. I was furious. Knowing that I had a problem, I moved him into the shower and began the clean up process.
I grabbed the carpet shampooer and started the clean up. In the middle of sucking the now clean water out of the carpet, the shampooer stopped working. It has been used since Diva was a puppy, so I guess it was to be expected.
I rushed Gary through a shower and did some quick research on a good buy on machines. Once dressed, we took off for Costco. Gary seemed VERY unclear all day. As we arrived at Costco, he was moving at a snails pace. He said he was not in pain, but just moving s-l-o-w-l-y.
To save time, I asked the door attendant where the carpet machines for sale are kept. She directed me to the right aisle and amid hundreds of crazy shoppers, I found them. They were on a shelf and very heavy. At this point, I was very overwhelmed by Gary, the reality of the situation and the crowds. I said to him 3 times, "Gary, please help me get this box down." I guess on the third time I was very forceful and loud. A couple standing nearby assessed the situation and by the look on the man's face, he knew Gary was not responding and jumped in to assist. The man told me to stand back while he moved the box and his wife held the buggy still. I started crying.
My emotions zoomed from thankful to embarrassed to dependent to pissed off. I thanked them for their help and they said, "Have a happy New Year!". God's servants are everywhere.
I did all I could to not lose it in the store. I choked back the tears. There was so much traffic in the store and in the parking lot, that I made Gary walk behind me and hang on to my jacket so I would know he was there. Once we reached the outer parking lot, I put the box in the car, took back the buggy and joined Gary in the car. I sobbed. He just sat there. Finally, he looked at me and asked why I was so upset. I told him all the reasons.....
We got home and I assembled the machine and shampooed the hallway and our bedroom. Well, why I was at it, I also did part of the stairs. The machine has some very cool attachments. Halfway down, I would have had to move to a downstairs electric outlet and realized I was tired. I've been fighting a head cold and headache for days and determined that I was overdoing. So, I put the new machine away. I put the old machine away....at least until I can put it out for garbage.
Oh yes. The Christmas tree also came down and was stored.
After fixing Tamales for dinner, I sat down to write this blog. Prior to that, I walked Gary to the bathroom and saw him in front of the toilet. As per usual, I said, "Close the door, put up the toilet seat and then flush." I closed the door behind him and walked away. A few minutes later, he walked out and went to the coat rack to put on his jacket.
I asked where he was going and he replied, "Nowhere." I asked why he was putting on a jacket and he replied, "Because I peed all over myself."
I looked up and sure enough, despite standing in front of the toilet, he didn't make it. What was he doing all that time? He has no recollection.
So, we have finished the second shower of the day and the second urine related load of laundry. The expletives were flying.
I knew I would know the right time to start using diapers. They have been preventative until now. Today, they are going to be part of life.
I don't know how long I can do this. There is no sobbing tonight as I am numb.
Today started normally. Gary and I got were awakened by Xander, our 4 year old grandson squealing about something he considered delightful. I got up and went to the kitchen to make coffee and breakfast since we can no longer go to church.
My thoughts were on taking down the Christmas tree and doing some tax preparation. After I finished breakfast, I left Gary at the table while I went upstairs to go to the bathroom. I was gone about five minutes. As I walked out into our upstairs hallway, I witnessed Gary standing in the hallway next to a locked bathroom peeing.
After inquisition, screaming and lots of anger, it was determined that he had to go badly and rather than ask where the bathroom was, he attempted to follow me. Since Heather and Xander keep their doors locked, he stopped to try those (as he does frequently) before losing all hope. I was furious. Knowing that I had a problem, I moved him into the shower and began the clean up process.
I grabbed the carpet shampooer and started the clean up. In the middle of sucking the now clean water out of the carpet, the shampooer stopped working. It has been used since Diva was a puppy, so I guess it was to be expected.
I rushed Gary through a shower and did some quick research on a good buy on machines. Once dressed, we took off for Costco. Gary seemed VERY unclear all day. As we arrived at Costco, he was moving at a snails pace. He said he was not in pain, but just moving s-l-o-w-l-y.
To save time, I asked the door attendant where the carpet machines for sale are kept. She directed me to the right aisle and amid hundreds of crazy shoppers, I found them. They were on a shelf and very heavy. At this point, I was very overwhelmed by Gary, the reality of the situation and the crowds. I said to him 3 times, "Gary, please help me get this box down." I guess on the third time I was very forceful and loud. A couple standing nearby assessed the situation and by the look on the man's face, he knew Gary was not responding and jumped in to assist. The man told me to stand back while he moved the box and his wife held the buggy still. I started crying.
My emotions zoomed from thankful to embarrassed to dependent to pissed off. I thanked them for their help and they said, "Have a happy New Year!". God's servants are everywhere.
I did all I could to not lose it in the store. I choked back the tears. There was so much traffic in the store and in the parking lot, that I made Gary walk behind me and hang on to my jacket so I would know he was there. Once we reached the outer parking lot, I put the box in the car, took back the buggy and joined Gary in the car. I sobbed. He just sat there. Finally, he looked at me and asked why I was so upset. I told him all the reasons.....
We got home and I assembled the machine and shampooed the hallway and our bedroom. Well, why I was at it, I also did part of the stairs. The machine has some very cool attachments. Halfway down, I would have had to move to a downstairs electric outlet and realized I was tired. I've been fighting a head cold and headache for days and determined that I was overdoing. So, I put the new machine away. I put the old machine away....at least until I can put it out for garbage.
Oh yes. The Christmas tree also came down and was stored.
After fixing Tamales for dinner, I sat down to write this blog. Prior to that, I walked Gary to the bathroom and saw him in front of the toilet. As per usual, I said, "Close the door, put up the toilet seat and then flush." I closed the door behind him and walked away. A few minutes later, he walked out and went to the coat rack to put on his jacket.
I asked where he was going and he replied, "Nowhere." I asked why he was putting on a jacket and he replied, "Because I peed all over myself."
I looked up and sure enough, despite standing in front of the toilet, he didn't make it. What was he doing all that time? He has no recollection.
So, we have finished the second shower of the day and the second urine related load of laundry. The expletives were flying.
I knew I would know the right time to start using diapers. They have been preventative until now. Today, they are going to be part of life.
I don't know how long I can do this. There is no sobbing tonight as I am numb.
Saturday, December 26, 2015
"Ghost Busters" revisited. I have turned into a monster.
Gary and I have been at my Dad's house in Virginia for 7.5 days. I love being around this side of the family since we are not together often. Since being off work and having "downtime" I have learned a few things.
In the few days prior to the flight here, I had worked up an incredible anxiety over being able to manage (or not) Gary during the flight. Even though he has only had a few accidents, I worried about him and had him wear a diaper. We had no issues. I was concerned about the 40 minute scramble in Atlanta. No issues as the attendant was right there to wheel him to the bathroom and get us to the next gate....which was right across the aisle from our arrival gate. All the planning paid off. I'm too hard on myself sometimes. And at the same time, had I not planned so well it may have ended differently.
As we picked up the rental car and I had to leave him for two minutes while I walked seventy stalls down the airport garage, I worried he would leave. The attendant said she would watch him.....but would she. It all turned out well until I pulled up the curb, had him get in the front seat and while I moved to the back of the vehicle to unload the luggage, he locked me out. It was 28 degrees outside and I was pounding on the window for him to unlock the door. He just stared at me. After screaming at him enough, he unlocked the door. The poor man working at Budget saw my dilemma and held the back door open long enough for me to get in before he locked it again. I told him that I wished the disease of Dementia on no one he knows. He said, "Merry Christmas."
On a side-note, no one here says "Happy Holidays". There is no such thing as political correctness and I
have found myself delving into gossip and unnecessary caring about others' business. It seems so silly to be caught up in such minor issues....but it is natural here.
On the two hour drive, Gary must have clicked the door lock and window at least 400 times. I could not get him to stop no matter what I tried. Eventually, I was a wreck. His anxiety level was not helped even with my magic trick Sedalia. We arrived safely at my Dad's house and the vacation began.
It has been a quiet week. We have barely left the house except to run errands, go to eat and some visits. It is restful except for Gary being confused. I find that my highs and lows of patient (my patience) behavior are more radical. When things are calm, I am better able to cope with his constant needs. However, in a small bathroom, with no air vent and a leaky toilet (new one on the way), I find my patience with Gary's needs non-existent. The best of me as a caregiver is good. The worst of me as a caregiver feels evil.
I watched "Ghost Busters" recently. When the the evil ghost takes over the body of Sigourney Weaver and floats above the bed, one could substitute my face for hers. At least, that is how it feels when the rage takes over my emotions. I can't imagine ever hurting him, but the imagination can run wild.
I am exhausted. I sleep well here except for having to take Gary to the bathroom each times he needs to go. He can't find the right room, nor the light switch (2 feet higher on the wall than at home), nor the raise the toilet seat, nor hit it squarely. I have cleaned the floor here waaaayyy tooo many times in one week. Then, I have to wait for him to go back to bed. Now keep in the mind that our bedroom is three feet from the bathroom. He just can't find his way.
So, in my spare time, I have thought of the twelve days of Dementia Christmas and would like to share with you all. Please feel free to sing along. I'll start at the end....work your way backwards.
On the twelfth day of Christmas, my husband said to me...
"Where is my comb? (11)
When do we go home? (10)
My socks don't match. (9)
I can't find the toilet. (8)
Can I have more coffee? (7)
Where is the dog? (6)
Hey, Ada Mae....(5)
What is his name? (4)
When do we leave? (3)
Gee, I'm very hungry. (2)
and a Loving wife who's gonna go nuts!
We have two more days here and a early morning foggy drive over the mountain to the airport. Please continue to pray for miracles. We get them everyday.
For all the other caregivers reading this.....there is a New Year coming. Hoping for changes is scary because so far the changes have all been for the worse. But FAITH can take you through it all. Just enjoy the good moments.
Merry Christmas everybody.
In the few days prior to the flight here, I had worked up an incredible anxiety over being able to manage (or not) Gary during the flight. Even though he has only had a few accidents, I worried about him and had him wear a diaper. We had no issues. I was concerned about the 40 minute scramble in Atlanta. No issues as the attendant was right there to wheel him to the bathroom and get us to the next gate....which was right across the aisle from our arrival gate. All the planning paid off. I'm too hard on myself sometimes. And at the same time, had I not planned so well it may have ended differently.
As we picked up the rental car and I had to leave him for two minutes while I walked seventy stalls down the airport garage, I worried he would leave. The attendant said she would watch him.....but would she. It all turned out well until I pulled up the curb, had him get in the front seat and while I moved to the back of the vehicle to unload the luggage, he locked me out. It was 28 degrees outside and I was pounding on the window for him to unlock the door. He just stared at me. After screaming at him enough, he unlocked the door. The poor man working at Budget saw my dilemma and held the back door open long enough for me to get in before he locked it again. I told him that I wished the disease of Dementia on no one he knows. He said, "Merry Christmas."
On a side-note, no one here says "Happy Holidays". There is no such thing as political correctness and I
have found myself delving into gossip and unnecessary caring about others' business. It seems so silly to be caught up in such minor issues....but it is natural here.
On the two hour drive, Gary must have clicked the door lock and window at least 400 times. I could not get him to stop no matter what I tried. Eventually, I was a wreck. His anxiety level was not helped even with my magic trick Sedalia. We arrived safely at my Dad's house and the vacation began.
It has been a quiet week. We have barely left the house except to run errands, go to eat and some visits. It is restful except for Gary being confused. I find that my highs and lows of patient (my patience) behavior are more radical. When things are calm, I am better able to cope with his constant needs. However, in a small bathroom, with no air vent and a leaky toilet (new one on the way), I find my patience with Gary's needs non-existent. The best of me as a caregiver is good. The worst of me as a caregiver feels evil.
I watched "Ghost Busters" recently. When the the evil ghost takes over the body of Sigourney Weaver and floats above the bed, one could substitute my face for hers. At least, that is how it feels when the rage takes over my emotions. I can't imagine ever hurting him, but the imagination can run wild.
I am exhausted. I sleep well here except for having to take Gary to the bathroom each times he needs to go. He can't find the right room, nor the light switch (2 feet higher on the wall than at home), nor the raise the toilet seat, nor hit it squarely. I have cleaned the floor here waaaayyy tooo many times in one week. Then, I have to wait for him to go back to bed. Now keep in the mind that our bedroom is three feet from the bathroom. He just can't find his way.
So, in my spare time, I have thought of the twelve days of Dementia Christmas and would like to share with you all. Please feel free to sing along. I'll start at the end....work your way backwards.
On the twelfth day of Christmas, my husband said to me...
"Where is my comb? (11)
When do we go home? (10)
My socks don't match. (9)
I can't find the toilet. (8)
Can I have more coffee? (7)
Where is the dog? (6)
Hey, Ada Mae....(5)
What is his name? (4)
When do we leave? (3)
Gee, I'm very hungry. (2)
and a Loving wife who's gonna go nuts!
We have two more days here and a early morning foggy drive over the mountain to the airport. Please continue to pray for miracles. We get them everyday.
For all the other caregivers reading this.....there is a New Year coming. Hoping for changes is scary because so far the changes have all been for the worse. But FAITH can take you through it all. Just enjoy the good moments.
Merry Christmas everybody.
Tuesday, December 8, 2015
I DON'T WANT TO BE STRONG!
I know people mean well, but frankly, I am very tired of hearing how strong I am. I don't want to be strong. I don't want to be tested anymore.
Don't misunderstand. I am thankful that God has given me the strength to endure what we are going through as a family. I am eternally grateful. But, I am still human and I am sad, tired, grieving and still expected to rise each morning and perform at peak levels in life and work. That is very hard to do....day after day.
I do believe in self-fulfilling prophecy, so it messes with me that I just said that I don't want to be strong. That means that if I keep saying it....then I will lose that strength. I certainly can't do that to myself. Dammit.
So, here I am. 52 years old with a 67 year old husband with Dementia. Why? I know the reasons.....there is nothing I can do about it. That pisses me off. If my language offends, well, I am sorry. Sometimes, I just have to be honest about it all. I hate it.
Yep, hate is a strong word. I love Gary. I hate the situation. But, everyday I have to dig deep, move forward and draw on every ounce of faith that I have. God has put me in this situation for a reason. He either has a huge purpose for me or an intense sense of humor.
"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me...." Yes, Ada. Keep telling yourself that quote.....just keep saying it.
Don't misunderstand. I am thankful that God has given me the strength to endure what we are going through as a family. I am eternally grateful. But, I am still human and I am sad, tired, grieving and still expected to rise each morning and perform at peak levels in life and work. That is very hard to do....day after day.
I do believe in self-fulfilling prophecy, so it messes with me that I just said that I don't want to be strong. That means that if I keep saying it....then I will lose that strength. I certainly can't do that to myself. Dammit.
So, here I am. 52 years old with a 67 year old husband with Dementia. Why? I know the reasons.....there is nothing I can do about it. That pisses me off. If my language offends, well, I am sorry. Sometimes, I just have to be honest about it all. I hate it.
Yep, hate is a strong word. I love Gary. I hate the situation. But, everyday I have to dig deep, move forward and draw on every ounce of faith that I have. God has put me in this situation for a reason. He either has a huge purpose for me or an intense sense of humor.
"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me...." Yes, Ada. Keep telling yourself that quote.....just keep saying it.
Sunday, December 6, 2015
I am pooping....
Gary and I awoke this morning with smiles on our faces. He seemed to be a little clearer than normal....while we were still in bed. It didn't last long.
I went down to the kitchen to make some fresh ground Starbucks Christmas blend and decided to make a breakfast casserole. We enjoyed our breakfast and headed to get showers and start our day.
Most days now, we shower together so I can shave Gary and assist with hurrying him along. He has always liked long, hot showers. Now, though, he would shower until the Flash Heater burned before he would get out of the shower. So, I help....
We had gotten out of the shower and I had dressed. Gary was standing at MY sink, using MY toothbrush. One tidbit that the reader should know is that Gary talks incessantly most of the time so it is easy to start tuning him out. It is unfortunate but it is form of sanity preservation. Anyway, I tuned in when he was brushing his teeth, in his underwear, and stated "I am pooping". What?????
Sure enough, he went right in his underwear less than two feet from the toilet. I will spare the details....the yelling, the scolding, the smell, the extra shower and the laundry.
Now, several hours later he is taking a nap. No more issues. Thank you, Lord.
I am not cut out for this type of servitude. Pray for my strength and his constipation (just kidding).
I went down to the kitchen to make some fresh ground Starbucks Christmas blend and decided to make a breakfast casserole. We enjoyed our breakfast and headed to get showers and start our day.
Most days now, we shower together so I can shave Gary and assist with hurrying him along. He has always liked long, hot showers. Now, though, he would shower until the Flash Heater burned before he would get out of the shower. So, I help....
We had gotten out of the shower and I had dressed. Gary was standing at MY sink, using MY toothbrush. One tidbit that the reader should know is that Gary talks incessantly most of the time so it is easy to start tuning him out. It is unfortunate but it is form of sanity preservation. Anyway, I tuned in when he was brushing his teeth, in his underwear, and stated "I am pooping". What?????
Sure enough, he went right in his underwear less than two feet from the toilet. I will spare the details....the yelling, the scolding, the smell, the extra shower and the laundry.
Now, several hours later he is taking a nap. No more issues. Thank you, Lord.
I am not cut out for this type of servitude. Pray for my strength and his constipation (just kidding).
Tuesday, November 24, 2015
The Case of the Haunted Jacuzzi
My cell phone rang late in the day. I saw Heather's picture and knew something was wrong as she only calls me in an emergency....or something REALLY strange. I'll give you one guess which case this was....right, REALLY strange.
Heather: "Do you have a Jacuzzi tub in your bathroom? How do I turn it off? Dad turned it on somehow and I can't turn it off. It sounds like a truck idling from downstairs but I came to check on Dad and it is the tub! In the background I could hear Gary going on about some totally different subject. While humorous, I had to focus.
I asked several questions, like did you turn off the button? There was only a knob sticking up and that didn't work. She texted me a picture of what looked more like an air duct usually found on the side of the tub. We have not used the Jacuzzi since we moved in so I was not sure. I told her to fill the tub with water so the motor would not burn up since she said it had been running for quite some time.
I then suggested she go the breaker box, find the one marked tub or Jacuzzi and turn it off. Gary was still in the toilet stall so she left him, went down all the stairs, grabbed Xander's toy flashlight (it worked) and headed for the breaker. Vioila! She found the right switch and turned it to "off". Or so we thought. She went back upstairs to check on Gary (no gym membership required in this house full of stairs!) and found the tub still shooting water to and fro. I could hear it roar in the background.
I asked if the water was above the jets. She replied affirmatively. She had to leave to get Xander from day care and I was too far away to do anything. She assured me there would be no flood so I decided it was ok until I got home over an hour away.
When I arrived home, I put on a pair of shorts to get in the tub since the spigots and the drain are on the far end of the tub (pretty stupid design). I also tried the button which looked nothing like a Jacuzzi button I had ever seen. Water had started to splash all over that side of the bathroom. Since she had followed my initial directions and turned the brass button one way and then the other, the air was on full spray and doing its job.
There was no button that looked anything like a switch. WTF? If we couldn't find the button to turn it off, how did Gary turn it on?
Then, I remembered a silver switch on the wall behind Gary's bathrobe. Remember when you were a kid and you went to a hotel that had a heater in the ceiling in the bathroom that had a timer switch. Yes, one of those. All this time, I thought it was a heater switch that we never needed. It was stuck on zero. Or at least there was a fine line between zero and sixty minutes. He had turned the knob all the way around, it turned on the Jacuzzi and got stuck in an on position. I turned it off the a moment of peaceful quiet after the raging waters from moments before!
So, how did it not turn off when Heather cut the power? So, I too used the toy flashlight (three other flashlights in the emergency area did not work) and headed for the breaker. It was off. Again, there is no explanation for how the Jacuzzi continued to run with the power "off" but it did. Crazy house.
So, after a day of audits and regular work, I mopped the floor while explaining the answers to all of Xander's questions. "Why did you open the shower? What is a sponge? Why is there water everywhere? What is that thing in your hand called? Why is it called a mop? Why did Papa turn on the bathtub? Why are you standing in the bathtub with your clothes on? Why are you letting the water out?" And.....etc.
So, as per normal, rather than trust that Gary will remember not to use that knob again when he is trying to turn on the lights...I got out the duct tape and covered the switch so it cannot be used.
I then remembered that I needed to double check that Gary's CLUB remembered to have him wear his jacket home (that is another topic for another day). Of course, Heather reported that he did not wear a jacket home. I was close to blowing a gasket after spending almost a half hour prior to work this morning watching a social worker at day care run around looking for Gary's clothes from when he had an accident and came home in someone's spare clothes.
Tomorrow morning, when I take him again, I will need to go in, find the social worker and make a real stink. Why is Gary the only one who comes home without a jacket? Or is he? Perhaps I have uncovered a significant problem there?
I have been known, on occasion, to be very vocal. I should be plenty warmed up by morning....look out world!
Heather: "Do you have a Jacuzzi tub in your bathroom? How do I turn it off? Dad turned it on somehow and I can't turn it off. It sounds like a truck idling from downstairs but I came to check on Dad and it is the tub! In the background I could hear Gary going on about some totally different subject. While humorous, I had to focus.
I asked several questions, like did you turn off the button? There was only a knob sticking up and that didn't work. She texted me a picture of what looked more like an air duct usually found on the side of the tub. We have not used the Jacuzzi since we moved in so I was not sure. I told her to fill the tub with water so the motor would not burn up since she said it had been running for quite some time.
I then suggested she go the breaker box, find the one marked tub or Jacuzzi and turn it off. Gary was still in the toilet stall so she left him, went down all the stairs, grabbed Xander's toy flashlight (it worked) and headed for the breaker. Vioila! She found the right switch and turned it to "off". Or so we thought. She went back upstairs to check on Gary (no gym membership required in this house full of stairs!) and found the tub still shooting water to and fro. I could hear it roar in the background.
I asked if the water was above the jets. She replied affirmatively. She had to leave to get Xander from day care and I was too far away to do anything. She assured me there would be no flood so I decided it was ok until I got home over an hour away.
When I arrived home, I put on a pair of shorts to get in the tub since the spigots and the drain are on the far end of the tub (pretty stupid design). I also tried the button which looked nothing like a Jacuzzi button I had ever seen. Water had started to splash all over that side of the bathroom. Since she had followed my initial directions and turned the brass button one way and then the other, the air was on full spray and doing its job.
There was no button that looked anything like a switch. WTF? If we couldn't find the button to turn it off, how did Gary turn it on?
Then, I remembered a silver switch on the wall behind Gary's bathrobe. Remember when you were a kid and you went to a hotel that had a heater in the ceiling in the bathroom that had a timer switch. Yes, one of those. All this time, I thought it was a heater switch that we never needed. It was stuck on zero. Or at least there was a fine line between zero and sixty minutes. He had turned the knob all the way around, it turned on the Jacuzzi and got stuck in an on position. I turned it off the a moment of peaceful quiet after the raging waters from moments before!
So, how did it not turn off when Heather cut the power? So, I too used the toy flashlight (three other flashlights in the emergency area did not work) and headed for the breaker. It was off. Again, there is no explanation for how the Jacuzzi continued to run with the power "off" but it did. Crazy house.
So, after a day of audits and regular work, I mopped the floor while explaining the answers to all of Xander's questions. "Why did you open the shower? What is a sponge? Why is there water everywhere? What is that thing in your hand called? Why is it called a mop? Why did Papa turn on the bathtub? Why are you standing in the bathtub with your clothes on? Why are you letting the water out?" And.....etc.
So, as per normal, rather than trust that Gary will remember not to use that knob again when he is trying to turn on the lights...I got out the duct tape and covered the switch so it cannot be used.
I then remembered that I needed to double check that Gary's CLUB remembered to have him wear his jacket home (that is another topic for another day). Of course, Heather reported that he did not wear a jacket home. I was close to blowing a gasket after spending almost a half hour prior to work this morning watching a social worker at day care run around looking for Gary's clothes from when he had an accident and came home in someone's spare clothes.
Tomorrow morning, when I take him again, I will need to go in, find the social worker and make a real stink. Why is Gary the only one who comes home without a jacket? Or is he? Perhaps I have uncovered a significant problem there?
I have been known, on occasion, to be very vocal. I should be plenty warmed up by morning....look out world!
Saturday, November 21, 2015
Public Embarrasment
Sometimes I feel punished. I know its a mindset but it is difficult to not get bitter. Anger is certainly an emotion that enters my heart near daily. Why do I have to change my patterns, errands and wishes because Gary has dementia? If I chose to get a "sitter" all the time, or impose on Heather more, I could have more freedom. He is not so far along that I feel that is right either. So, I'm stuck somewhere in the middle of this already in-between comparison to Hades.
Last Sunday, I took Gary to church. It is a loving group where we have worshipped before since moving to Anaheim. Because of Gary's constant repetition of many words he hears and due to his verbal processing (often loudly) of most thoughts, I am always on edge waiting for what jewel he may drop on humanity next. Sure enough, a few minutes into the Pastor's sermon, Gary stood up. I pulled on his jacket to get him to sit as I knew whatever he was processing was paragraphs behind the poor man's sermon. I managed to get him to sit down without too much noise or shuffle. Then, he started reading aloud the bulletin which I gave him to hopefully keep him quiet. I tried to quiet him with the ever-dependable "shhh". He merely repeated the noise several times growing louder with my frustration.
I could tell the folks in front of us were a little un-nerved. How to handle? When the Pastor asked for folks to stand up who were ready to commit their life to Christ, Gary took the opportunity once again to stand. Well, who am I to keep the man from re-giving his life to Jesus....even though he was probably hearing some other message.
The rest of the service was uncomfortable for me. Of course, the anger started. Is it lack of control that invokes the anger? Is it embarrassment? Yes.
Then today, he really needed a pedicure. I can't effectively take care of his feet so I choose to have him professionally soaked, massaged and clipped every so often. I haven't found the right person who completely understands his behavior, needs and quirks. Today, we came close. The lady doing his manicure (I just asked for a pedicure and he decided LOUDLY, that he too needed a manicure) was very sweet and spoke English in a tongue he could clearly understand. She told him that we were treating him special because his birthday was this month. He treated the entire audience within the salon's hearing range with his signature "Yeah, yeah, yeah!" and "That's more better than good."
The other discomfort for me is not knowing how loud he will be or what he might say. (for example, he told the woman she had nice breasts and asked if he could touch them). I apologized and told him his behavior was inappropriate and that he needed to stop and that certainly he could NOT touch her. She understood, laughed and said she understood. I watched her body language for several minutes and she really did seem to accept his mental disorder. There was a woman around my age who was there with her adult daughters. She sat next to him and talked to him while my procedure was being finished. She asked how long he had dementia and that she had a friend in my "situation". All I could say was that I was sorry for her and that I wish the disease on no one. I gave her the blog address for her to share. Perhaps it will help someone else. Perhaps it is a hell that they would better cope with if they don't know what is coming. I'm not sure that I want to see the future.
There seemed to be a sigh of relief when we left. All employees were tipped very well. I will have to consider whether I go back to the same salon or find a new one. Do they want our business?
So, one should be able to see why I am beginning to think that I can't take him anywhere. I guess I will have to start shelling out additional dollars for a sitter, even for routine errands.
I will have him from Wednesday afternoon until Monday of next week due to the Holiday. Heather and Xander are escaping for the weekend. Escaping. Yes, I said "escaping". Bless them both. They put up with so much.
Pray for us all. Sometimes being a part of a family and having committed to a relationship is hard. I will not let him down.
Last Sunday, I took Gary to church. It is a loving group where we have worshipped before since moving to Anaheim. Because of Gary's constant repetition of many words he hears and due to his verbal processing (often loudly) of most thoughts, I am always on edge waiting for what jewel he may drop on humanity next. Sure enough, a few minutes into the Pastor's sermon, Gary stood up. I pulled on his jacket to get him to sit as I knew whatever he was processing was paragraphs behind the poor man's sermon. I managed to get him to sit down without too much noise or shuffle. Then, he started reading aloud the bulletin which I gave him to hopefully keep him quiet. I tried to quiet him with the ever-dependable "shhh". He merely repeated the noise several times growing louder with my frustration.
I could tell the folks in front of us were a little un-nerved. How to handle? When the Pastor asked for folks to stand up who were ready to commit their life to Christ, Gary took the opportunity once again to stand. Well, who am I to keep the man from re-giving his life to Jesus....even though he was probably hearing some other message.
The rest of the service was uncomfortable for me. Of course, the anger started. Is it lack of control that invokes the anger? Is it embarrassment? Yes.
Then today, he really needed a pedicure. I can't effectively take care of his feet so I choose to have him professionally soaked, massaged and clipped every so often. I haven't found the right person who completely understands his behavior, needs and quirks. Today, we came close. The lady doing his manicure (I just asked for a pedicure and he decided LOUDLY, that he too needed a manicure) was very sweet and spoke English in a tongue he could clearly understand. She told him that we were treating him special because his birthday was this month. He treated the entire audience within the salon's hearing range with his signature "Yeah, yeah, yeah!" and "That's more better than good."
The other discomfort for me is not knowing how loud he will be or what he might say. (for example, he told the woman she had nice breasts and asked if he could touch them). I apologized and told him his behavior was inappropriate and that he needed to stop and that certainly he could NOT touch her. She understood, laughed and said she understood. I watched her body language for several minutes and she really did seem to accept his mental disorder. There was a woman around my age who was there with her adult daughters. She sat next to him and talked to him while my procedure was being finished. She asked how long he had dementia and that she had a friend in my "situation". All I could say was that I was sorry for her and that I wish the disease on no one. I gave her the blog address for her to share. Perhaps it will help someone else. Perhaps it is a hell that they would better cope with if they don't know what is coming. I'm not sure that I want to see the future.
There seemed to be a sigh of relief when we left. All employees were tipped very well. I will have to consider whether I go back to the same salon or find a new one. Do they want our business?
So, one should be able to see why I am beginning to think that I can't take him anywhere. I guess I will have to start shelling out additional dollars for a sitter, even for routine errands.
I will have him from Wednesday afternoon until Monday of next week due to the Holiday. Heather and Xander are escaping for the weekend. Escaping. Yes, I said "escaping". Bless them both. They put up with so much.
Pray for us all. Sometimes being a part of a family and having committed to a relationship is hard. I will not let him down.
Sunday, November 8, 2015
Words from my mouth on Sunday......
Some utterances from my lips on a Sunday....not necessarily in order and with no context to assist the reader in understanding the insanity of dementia. I will omit conversations with anyone other than Gary.
12:38 am "She said she was taking Xander to the Emergency room. He has an ear infection. Go back to sleep."
2:38 am "Honey, you are in the closet. Come out and go to the toilet. Gary, go to the toilet. You are in the closet.
Did you flush? I didn't hear you wash your hands. Okay, dry your hands and come back to bed."
7:20 am "Good morning. I'll be right back. I'm going downstairs to make coffee and get your pills. Cover up and stay warmy dormy."
The quotes from the rest of the day will remain timeless....
"Finish up your coffee, take off your clothes and get in the shower. No, take off your pajamas. Hand them to me, I'll put them in the drawer. Get in the shower. If its hot, turn it down a little. Then, turn it up to warmer.
Hold still while I shave you. Don't rinse the conditioner out of your hair. Rinse after I shave you. Yes, I will help you wash. Okay, rinse your hair and get out. Step on the rug and towel off. No, you may not use my towel. You have your own.
Now, brush your teeth and comb your hair. Your underwear, shirt and pants are on the bed. Lean against the bed to put on your underwear. That way you don't fall.
Okay. Here is the hairspray. Don't spray your hair and then comb it again...it will make it gooey and you'll look like Alfalfa. That is a fake drawer, not a real one. This is the deodorant drawer. You have already put on your deodorant.
Now, put on your clothes. Where are your glasses? No, Gary, not those shoes. You have to put on your clothes before your shoes and those are your slippers. Your church shoes are at the end of the bed. No, lets put them on the correct feet.
Oh Lord, wont you buy me a Mercedes Benz? Oh right, you did. Thanks, Lord.
Gary, I already put the granola in your yogurt, stop flipping the top over. I already did that. Gary, stop playing with the napkin and eat your food. I'm taking Diva out to poop. Stay here and finish your coffee.
Why did you come out here? Diva is just going poop. Yes, you may sit down.....lets relax a minute. Ok, lets go so we aren't late for church. Do you have to pee or poop? Ok, good. Lets go. You just said you didn't have to go....ok, go ahead.
Gary, are you done? Hurry up, we're late! Did you wash your hands? Gary, why are you doing that? Don't wipe your hands on your shirt. There is a towel here its right there. Dang it, now go upstairs and dry your shirt with the hairdryer. NOW! Oh hell, come on up. I'll do it. NOW!
What were you thinking? Oh right, you weren't. I'm sorry. I know you can't help it. That doesn't make it easy.
Okay, lets go. Get in the car. NO, not out the front door. Gary. Stop. Stop! Oh hell. Get in the passenger side. No, get in the front seat. Put on your seatbelt. Stop messing with your jacket and put on your seatbelt, please?
Stop reading signs. No, we are not turning right. The church is straight ahead on this road. Stop stomping your feet. Why do you do that? Yes, Jesus loves you. Don't wave to the people in the car. Put the window up. Stop locking the door. Stop unlocking the door.
Here we are. Now, we're late so try to walk fast. Hi, Ms. Dru, I really have to go to the bathroom. Can Gary stay with you? Thanks.
Ok honey, lets slip in the chair over there behind Pastor Jim. Stand up and sing. Ok, you can sit down. Are you tired? Stop fidgeting. Shhh. Shhh, the woman is praying. Shhhhh!!!
Amen. Lord, thank you. Help me. Help us.
Hey, I have an idea, lets go get something quick to eat and go see the new James Bond movie. How does Carl's Jr. sound?
Yes, it is a good burger. We are going to be late for the movie, so lets go to the store and then home and go to the 2:30 movie. Its the new James Bond movie that came out this weekend. Do you like James Bond movies? Good.
Stop putting your napkin in your mouth, that is disgusting.
Do you have to pee before we go to the store?
Take off your seatbelt and I'll come around and help you. Wait, that lady is getting out of her car. Gary, STOP! You almost hit that car door! Stop means DON"T MOVE. I've told you that a thousand times.
What did you do with my list? Why did you ball it up? OH geez, this isn't the list at all. What did you do with it? I know, you don't know. Now, I have to remember the list.
Coffee. No, I want beans not ground. Because we have a grinder. No, you can't have alcohol. Wine is alcohol. You have had your lifetime allocation. It mixes with your medicine. Come on honey.
Walk faster. You are holding up traffic. Come on this side. Watch your head. Put on your seatbelt. We are not going that way, we are going home.
Help me carry in the groceries. No, this way. To the kitchen. Go straight into the kitchen. thanks.
Now, lets go upstairs and get out the clothes that are too big for you. Because you can't wear them anymore and there was a bad fire at an apartment complex and they need men's clothes. Try this on. I know you like this one but your stomach sticks out. You have gained a lot of weight.
Besides, if you lose weight, God will replace them. Someone else needs them worse. There was a fire at an apartment complex and they need the clothes worse than you.
Carry this box downstairs. Nevermind, I'll do it.
Get your shoes on, its time to go to the movie. We are seeing the James Bond movie. Do you have to pee? I don't want you to have to go in the middle of a chase scene. The last three movies you did that. Go pee.
Well, that movie is full. I should have purchased the tickets online. I know better. Ok, we will wait on the next show...its only a half hour. No, we will get a small coke and you can sip it. I don't want you to have to pee during the movie. Oh yeah, and Gary, you have to be quiet during the movie. You repeat everything and you can't do that in the movie. Understand?
Here is some popcorn. Only a sip. Shhhh. Be quiet. Be quiet. Shhh. Be quiet. I don't know what he said, you were talking. Dammit. You really have to pee? Can you wait until this action is over? Ok, go now. That way, over those people. I am so sorry. Go, Gary, Go.
I can't believe you have to pee. Come on, hurry. Do you realize that I just can't take you anywhere anymore. I am 52. I am too young for this. This is not the life I want. No, that is the men's room. I will wait.
What took you so long? Did you wash your hands?
We can't go to the same seats... we'll just slip in seats on the end....in the front. I know this is too close, but we are not crawling back over those people. SHHHH. Be quiet. Sit still. Stop wiggling your legs. No, we can't kiss. Be quiet.
Shhh. Be quiet. Oh no, really? Again? Get up! Go. I can't believe you have to pee again. We ARE going back and I am GOING to see the end of this movie. Hurry up.
What took you so long? Let's go back to the theatre. Are you enjoying the movie? Its James Bond. I'm going to have to start getting a sitter. I'm missing out on too much life. God gave me you for a reason. Look for it, ADA.
That was the end. Let's go. Home. Put your seatbelt back on. Why did you take it off? Oh good, Lord.
This is our home. We live here now. I'll fix supper. Chicken.
Why did you put your spinach salad in the mayonnaise. Now, its wasted. You better eat it. Stop feeding Diva. She had her supper. Gary, stop feeding Diva. Why did you put your napkin in your drink and suck it? That is the most disgusting thing I've seen you do in a long time. Stop it.
Bring your plate in here. Let's put you in the chair. Want a blanket? The heat is on. Don't touch the remote. It is set on relax with heat.
No, Diva. NO more treats. Diva, stop. What Gary? Stop calling Heather, I am right here. What do you need? WHAT? No, we don't need to buy another car. We have two.
Its right down the hall. Turn the chair off. I'll help you. Its down the hall. Turn on the light, close the door behind you.
Wash your hands. Did you flush? No, I'm not going to bed yet. I'm watching Madam Secretary and writing a blog.
12:38 am "She said she was taking Xander to the Emergency room. He has an ear infection. Go back to sleep."
2:38 am "Honey, you are in the closet. Come out and go to the toilet. Gary, go to the toilet. You are in the closet.
Did you flush? I didn't hear you wash your hands. Okay, dry your hands and come back to bed."
7:20 am "Good morning. I'll be right back. I'm going downstairs to make coffee and get your pills. Cover up and stay warmy dormy."
The quotes from the rest of the day will remain timeless....
"Finish up your coffee, take off your clothes and get in the shower. No, take off your pajamas. Hand them to me, I'll put them in the drawer. Get in the shower. If its hot, turn it down a little. Then, turn it up to warmer.
Hold still while I shave you. Don't rinse the conditioner out of your hair. Rinse after I shave you. Yes, I will help you wash. Okay, rinse your hair and get out. Step on the rug and towel off. No, you may not use my towel. You have your own.
Now, brush your teeth and comb your hair. Your underwear, shirt and pants are on the bed. Lean against the bed to put on your underwear. That way you don't fall.
Okay. Here is the hairspray. Don't spray your hair and then comb it again...it will make it gooey and you'll look like Alfalfa. That is a fake drawer, not a real one. This is the deodorant drawer. You have already put on your deodorant.
Now, put on your clothes. Where are your glasses? No, Gary, not those shoes. You have to put on your clothes before your shoes and those are your slippers. Your church shoes are at the end of the bed. No, lets put them on the correct feet.
Oh Lord, wont you buy me a Mercedes Benz? Oh right, you did. Thanks, Lord.
Gary, I already put the granola in your yogurt, stop flipping the top over. I already did that. Gary, stop playing with the napkin and eat your food. I'm taking Diva out to poop. Stay here and finish your coffee.
Why did you come out here? Diva is just going poop. Yes, you may sit down.....lets relax a minute. Ok, lets go so we aren't late for church. Do you have to pee or poop? Ok, good. Lets go. You just said you didn't have to go....ok, go ahead.
Gary, are you done? Hurry up, we're late! Did you wash your hands? Gary, why are you doing that? Don't wipe your hands on your shirt. There is a towel here its right there. Dang it, now go upstairs and dry your shirt with the hairdryer. NOW! Oh hell, come on up. I'll do it. NOW!
What were you thinking? Oh right, you weren't. I'm sorry. I know you can't help it. That doesn't make it easy.
Okay, lets go. Get in the car. NO, not out the front door. Gary. Stop. Stop! Oh hell. Get in the passenger side. No, get in the front seat. Put on your seatbelt. Stop messing with your jacket and put on your seatbelt, please?
Stop reading signs. No, we are not turning right. The church is straight ahead on this road. Stop stomping your feet. Why do you do that? Yes, Jesus loves you. Don't wave to the people in the car. Put the window up. Stop locking the door. Stop unlocking the door.
Here we are. Now, we're late so try to walk fast. Hi, Ms. Dru, I really have to go to the bathroom. Can Gary stay with you? Thanks.
Ok honey, lets slip in the chair over there behind Pastor Jim. Stand up and sing. Ok, you can sit down. Are you tired? Stop fidgeting. Shhh. Shhh, the woman is praying. Shhhhh!!!
Amen. Lord, thank you. Help me. Help us.
Hey, I have an idea, lets go get something quick to eat and go see the new James Bond movie. How does Carl's Jr. sound?
Yes, it is a good burger. We are going to be late for the movie, so lets go to the store and then home and go to the 2:30 movie. Its the new James Bond movie that came out this weekend. Do you like James Bond movies? Good.
Stop putting your napkin in your mouth, that is disgusting.
Do you have to pee before we go to the store?
Take off your seatbelt and I'll come around and help you. Wait, that lady is getting out of her car. Gary, STOP! You almost hit that car door! Stop means DON"T MOVE. I've told you that a thousand times.
What did you do with my list? Why did you ball it up? OH geez, this isn't the list at all. What did you do with it? I know, you don't know. Now, I have to remember the list.
Coffee. No, I want beans not ground. Because we have a grinder. No, you can't have alcohol. Wine is alcohol. You have had your lifetime allocation. It mixes with your medicine. Come on honey.
Walk faster. You are holding up traffic. Come on this side. Watch your head. Put on your seatbelt. We are not going that way, we are going home.
Help me carry in the groceries. No, this way. To the kitchen. Go straight into the kitchen. thanks.
Now, lets go upstairs and get out the clothes that are too big for you. Because you can't wear them anymore and there was a bad fire at an apartment complex and they need men's clothes. Try this on. I know you like this one but your stomach sticks out. You have gained a lot of weight.
Besides, if you lose weight, God will replace them. Someone else needs them worse. There was a fire at an apartment complex and they need the clothes worse than you.
Carry this box downstairs. Nevermind, I'll do it.
Get your shoes on, its time to go to the movie. We are seeing the James Bond movie. Do you have to pee? I don't want you to have to go in the middle of a chase scene. The last three movies you did that. Go pee.
Well, that movie is full. I should have purchased the tickets online. I know better. Ok, we will wait on the next show...its only a half hour. No, we will get a small coke and you can sip it. I don't want you to have to pee during the movie. Oh yeah, and Gary, you have to be quiet during the movie. You repeat everything and you can't do that in the movie. Understand?
Here is some popcorn. Only a sip. Shhhh. Be quiet. Be quiet. Shhh. Be quiet. I don't know what he said, you were talking. Dammit. You really have to pee? Can you wait until this action is over? Ok, go now. That way, over those people. I am so sorry. Go, Gary, Go.
I can't believe you have to pee. Come on, hurry. Do you realize that I just can't take you anywhere anymore. I am 52. I am too young for this. This is not the life I want. No, that is the men's room. I will wait.
What took you so long? Did you wash your hands?
We can't go to the same seats... we'll just slip in seats on the end....in the front. I know this is too close, but we are not crawling back over those people. SHHHH. Be quiet. Sit still. Stop wiggling your legs. No, we can't kiss. Be quiet.
Shhh. Be quiet. Oh no, really? Again? Get up! Go. I can't believe you have to pee again. We ARE going back and I am GOING to see the end of this movie. Hurry up.
What took you so long? Let's go back to the theatre. Are you enjoying the movie? Its James Bond. I'm going to have to start getting a sitter. I'm missing out on too much life. God gave me you for a reason. Look for it, ADA.
That was the end. Let's go. Home. Put your seatbelt back on. Why did you take it off? Oh good, Lord.
This is our home. We live here now. I'll fix supper. Chicken.
Why did you put your spinach salad in the mayonnaise. Now, its wasted. You better eat it. Stop feeding Diva. She had her supper. Gary, stop feeding Diva. Why did you put your napkin in your drink and suck it? That is the most disgusting thing I've seen you do in a long time. Stop it.
Bring your plate in here. Let's put you in the chair. Want a blanket? The heat is on. Don't touch the remote. It is set on relax with heat.
No, Diva. NO more treats. Diva, stop. What Gary? Stop calling Heather, I am right here. What do you need? WHAT? No, we don't need to buy another car. We have two.
Its right down the hall. Turn the chair off. I'll help you. Its down the hall. Turn on the light, close the door behind you.
Wash your hands. Did you flush? No, I'm not going to bed yet. I'm watching Madam Secretary and writing a blog.
Sunday, October 25, 2015
I miss my Life Mate.....
What a weekend!
Around the middle of last week, Gary started complaining that his right leg/hip was hurting. Getting in and out of the cars was painful for him, in fact, often coupled with screams of "ouch"! By Thursday evening, he was complaining bitterly and it appeared to be more than just a slight pain. On Friday, I called our new Primary Care Physician's office to make an appointment for him to go in. Since our insurance became valid on 10/1, it was nice to know we are covered. We had just received our cards and I looked at Gary's for the first time. there was a name of his primary care physician, but no phone number nor address.
So, I logged on to the Aetna website and attempted to log in. Of course, it was a log in where I could not use my normal log in and password due to syntax...so, I had forgotten the log in info. After going through a series of "forgot login" and "forgot password" agony, I finally accessed the proper log in for Gary. After retrieving the phone number and address, I called for an appointment. Upon telling the operator that I was a new patient and that I was calling to make an appointment with Dr. XX, she promptly said, "there must be some mistake. He is not taking new patients and is retiring. You will need to call your insurance and have a new primary care physician assigned and then we can make an appointment." I asked for the names of other physicians in the same practice and ensured they were accepting new patients.
I logged back on to the website and changed the physician. I called back to the practice and was told that there were no appointments available that day and that if we wanted to come to urgent care, they work with no appointment. Bingo! I wrote down the hours of the Urgent Care and decided I would take Gary on Saturday morning.
Later that afternoon, I was still at work around 5 when Heather texted me that Gary had gotten worse and he struggled getting into the massage chair and fallen back into the chair but was not injured further. I made the decision to take him to urgent care that night.
I drove home, picked up Gary and headed to Urgent Care. After filling out mounds of paperwork while Gary sat in the waiting room reading aloud all the signs out the window, he was ready to be seen. The medical assistant gave me a couple of "you poor things" before we saw the doctor. Gary is very sweet but very irritating. Several times during the check in, sitting in the waiting room, going to the bathroom and changing clothes to see the doctor, he yelled out of pain when he moved the wrong way. The nurse cringed at his volume.
Once the doctor joined us, she realized she was dealing with a patient who repeats everything he hears. So, every time she said, "Does this hurt?" He responded with a parrot like phrase. With my help, she moved his body into 50 different contortions and he did not express pain once. He lunged, squatted, bent at the knees, etc. She deduced that he did not have any broken bones and that he had a muscle-skeletal thing.....said to give him ice and heat for 20 minutes each and take anti-inflammatory.
Saturday came and went with several rounds of heat and ice. It basically did no good. Every time he needed to get up to pee, poop or move, he needed help. He yells in pain but I didn't want to take him to emergency to only be referred to a Primary Care Physician, so I decided to call Monday morning and report increased pain and demand an appointment.
I decided not to even try to go to church on Sunday. We stayed home all day and I assisted him in walking anytime he needed to move. He forgot everytime that he would be experiencing pain when he moved, so I had to watch his every move.
I know in my heart that this weekend was a precursor and a preview for what is to come. I get angry and sad within seconds of each other. I rage when I have to repeat myself more than four times...sometimes three. I am not good at being a caregiver no matter how hard I try. Gary thanks me frequently and tells me how thankful he is that I am here and tells me how sweet I am. I feel so guilty because me feelings are quite different. I just want to run away but know that I cannot do that. I feel so alone.
I want my old life back. I want to be carefree and go see a movie, get my hair done, go out for dinner and take a vacation. I want my husband back....I miss our old business conversations. I miss his tender touch. I miss my lifemate. The guy that is here is mostly needy. While I still love him, it is very difficult.
Only God knows the plan.
Around the middle of last week, Gary started complaining that his right leg/hip was hurting. Getting in and out of the cars was painful for him, in fact, often coupled with screams of "ouch"! By Thursday evening, he was complaining bitterly and it appeared to be more than just a slight pain. On Friday, I called our new Primary Care Physician's office to make an appointment for him to go in. Since our insurance became valid on 10/1, it was nice to know we are covered. We had just received our cards and I looked at Gary's for the first time. there was a name of his primary care physician, but no phone number nor address.
So, I logged on to the Aetna website and attempted to log in. Of course, it was a log in where I could not use my normal log in and password due to syntax...so, I had forgotten the log in info. After going through a series of "forgot login" and "forgot password" agony, I finally accessed the proper log in for Gary. After retrieving the phone number and address, I called for an appointment. Upon telling the operator that I was a new patient and that I was calling to make an appointment with Dr. XX, she promptly said, "there must be some mistake. He is not taking new patients and is retiring. You will need to call your insurance and have a new primary care physician assigned and then we can make an appointment." I asked for the names of other physicians in the same practice and ensured they were accepting new patients.
I logged back on to the website and changed the physician. I called back to the practice and was told that there were no appointments available that day and that if we wanted to come to urgent care, they work with no appointment. Bingo! I wrote down the hours of the Urgent Care and decided I would take Gary on Saturday morning.
Later that afternoon, I was still at work around 5 when Heather texted me that Gary had gotten worse and he struggled getting into the massage chair and fallen back into the chair but was not injured further. I made the decision to take him to urgent care that night.
I drove home, picked up Gary and headed to Urgent Care. After filling out mounds of paperwork while Gary sat in the waiting room reading aloud all the signs out the window, he was ready to be seen. The medical assistant gave me a couple of "you poor things" before we saw the doctor. Gary is very sweet but very irritating. Several times during the check in, sitting in the waiting room, going to the bathroom and changing clothes to see the doctor, he yelled out of pain when he moved the wrong way. The nurse cringed at his volume.
Once the doctor joined us, she realized she was dealing with a patient who repeats everything he hears. So, every time she said, "Does this hurt?" He responded with a parrot like phrase. With my help, she moved his body into 50 different contortions and he did not express pain once. He lunged, squatted, bent at the knees, etc. She deduced that he did not have any broken bones and that he had a muscle-skeletal thing.....said to give him ice and heat for 20 minutes each and take anti-inflammatory.
Saturday came and went with several rounds of heat and ice. It basically did no good. Every time he needed to get up to pee, poop or move, he needed help. He yells in pain but I didn't want to take him to emergency to only be referred to a Primary Care Physician, so I decided to call Monday morning and report increased pain and demand an appointment.
I decided not to even try to go to church on Sunday. We stayed home all day and I assisted him in walking anytime he needed to move. He forgot everytime that he would be experiencing pain when he moved, so I had to watch his every move.
I know in my heart that this weekend was a precursor and a preview for what is to come. I get angry and sad within seconds of each other. I rage when I have to repeat myself more than four times...sometimes three. I am not good at being a caregiver no matter how hard I try. Gary thanks me frequently and tells me how thankful he is that I am here and tells me how sweet I am. I feel so guilty because me feelings are quite different. I just want to run away but know that I cannot do that. I feel so alone.
I want my old life back. I want to be carefree and go see a movie, get my hair done, go out for dinner and take a vacation. I want my husband back....I miss our old business conversations. I miss his tender touch. I miss my lifemate. The guy that is here is mostly needy. While I still love him, it is very difficult.
Only God knows the plan.
Saturday, October 10, 2015
A "more-better-than-good" Haircut
Getting Gary's haircut was something I was dreading today. Perhaps it was previous trips to the salon where he talked incessantly and the stylist did not understand. Or the time he told the stylist she had nice boobs because she was leaning over him to cut bangs. Well, today was different.
I chose to go to the same salon as last time since I remembered nothing negative and only some quiet Facebook time while I waited. We walked in and checked in using Gary's name. The same woman who cut his hair last time heard us and said, "Welcome back, Gary. My name is Gloria, do you remember me from last time?"
She remembered us and gave me a "you poor thing" look as she helped him in the chair and asked him if she could give him a more-better-than-good haircut. He answered with his signature "yeah, yeah, yeah!" She used his phrases "more-better-than-good" and "yeah, yeah, yeah!" multiple times throughout the haircut. She asked him what was most important to him and he answered, "my wife". She winked at me.
I asked her name again and made sure to implant her face firmly into our life as she is a keeper.
As we checked out, she looked at me and said, "you are doing very well." I thanked her and we left.
He looks pretty normal at first glance. That is what concerns me. If I don't keep him right beside me when leaving grocery stores, he often trails along behind, holds up traffic and smiles and waves at people as he goes by. My fear is some day a road-rage driver who doesn't understand will run him over with their vehicle. Hopefully, I can be vigilant and God will continue to watch over his safety.
Yesterday, his Adult Day care called to say he would be coming home in different clothes as he had a two-way accident. He stayed the rest of the day but came home in brand new jeans and someone's high school gym shirt. Apparently, they keep extra clothes around for such events.
However, where are his underwear, jeans and golf shirt from the morning? Hopefully they didn't just hand them to him when he left and didn't tell the driver what it was....if he left them in the van on the last stop of the weekend....and its 100 degrees outside....well, that won't be very pleasant. Is that a nice way to phrase it? That could be a very crappy morning for everyone on Monday!
I chose to go to the same salon as last time since I remembered nothing negative and only some quiet Facebook time while I waited. We walked in and checked in using Gary's name. The same woman who cut his hair last time heard us and said, "Welcome back, Gary. My name is Gloria, do you remember me from last time?"
She remembered us and gave me a "you poor thing" look as she helped him in the chair and asked him if she could give him a more-better-than-good haircut. He answered with his signature "yeah, yeah, yeah!" She used his phrases "more-better-than-good" and "yeah, yeah, yeah!" multiple times throughout the haircut. She asked him what was most important to him and he answered, "my wife". She winked at me.
I asked her name again and made sure to implant her face firmly into our life as she is a keeper.
As we checked out, she looked at me and said, "you are doing very well." I thanked her and we left.
He looks pretty normal at first glance. That is what concerns me. If I don't keep him right beside me when leaving grocery stores, he often trails along behind, holds up traffic and smiles and waves at people as he goes by. My fear is some day a road-rage driver who doesn't understand will run him over with their vehicle. Hopefully, I can be vigilant and God will continue to watch over his safety.
Yesterday, his Adult Day care called to say he would be coming home in different clothes as he had a two-way accident. He stayed the rest of the day but came home in brand new jeans and someone's high school gym shirt. Apparently, they keep extra clothes around for such events.
However, where are his underwear, jeans and golf shirt from the morning? Hopefully they didn't just hand them to him when he left and didn't tell the driver what it was....if he left them in the van on the last stop of the weekend....and its 100 degrees outside....well, that won't be very pleasant. Is that a nice way to phrase it? That could be a very crappy morning for everyone on Monday!
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