Do you know who I am?

I had a great day at work.  After 13 months on the new job, it is all coming together.  God could not have landed me in a better place.  Last year when I thought I was at my professional lowest point, I had no idea what God had in store for me.

Today, I left work a little later than normal and traffic was much heavier.  I missed visiting Gary last night due to a personal appointment so it was important to me to get there this evening.  I never want him to think he has been abandoned.  Dinner and dessert were over when I got there.

As I walked in, Annie the dog practically knocked me over wanting to be picked up.  I did and talked to her right behind Gary's wheelchair. I stopped for a moment and thought that he might overhear me talking to the dog and feel bad that I did not talk to him first.  I popped my head around the chair and said my usual, "Hey baberoon!" 

He looked at me in a funny way as I kissed him and said hello again.  Tonight was different.  He did not really respond and I noticed that he was holding a warranty card from a product and a label with his name on it.  Upon further investigation, I found a massage ball in his lap.  He did not seem to be aware of the mechanism, only the label.  I spoke to several of the angels and Lucia said that it came from the hospice nurse.  Apparently, she brought it for him to hold during times of stress.

I moved Gary to the other room so we could be alone and not distracted.  I parked him and got in a position where he could clearly see my face if he chose to do so.  I talked to him quietly and he responded as he does to the caregiver/angels.  I held my breath as I asked, "Gary, do you know who I am?"  He looked longingly at me and said, "No."  "Are you sure you don't know me?"  "Yes."

I released the breath and tried a different statement.  "I am Ada Mae Gerard, your wife." 
"My wife."  No question mark.  It was a statement.  I held out hope.
"Gary, do you know my name?"  "No."

I sat there and looked at him while he was trying to pull the label off his massage ball.  I decided to leave. I rolled him back into the main living room and asked Lucia where she wanted him.  When she let me out of the unit I told her what happened.  She gave me a comforting hug.  THis is a woman who lost a son a few years ago.  She understands. 

We both decided that sometimes life sucks.  I told her I was going to the gym and she smiled and said, "Sweat it out and go get some sleep."

I went to the gym for a numb workout....very quick.  I really wanted to get drunk.  I refrained.

Now at home, I received a call from an old friend who comforted me without knowing it, as he diverted my attention away from the subject. 

Tomorrow, I will get up and start anew.  I knew this day would come and had been bracing for it.  Surprisingly, after my breakdown on Sunday, today was not so hurtful.  I have returned to the numb state of a wife who protects herself from the horrible disease of FTD.  Only God knows what tomorrow will bring.