Tremors take over the body.

The reality of what this disease is doing to my husband really hit me today.  I went to church and out to lunch with some people from church.  Usually I go straight to Gary's after church and make sure I get there in time to feed him.  Today, I thought I needed "me" time, so I took it. 


When I got to the living room at the Memory Unit, Gary was not in his usual place.  I must have looked puzzled and one of the caregivers said, "They are putting Gary to bed, he was sleepy." 


I went straight to his room and saw them putting him into bed.  It was reported that he was very clammy, sweaty and had experienced several of his tremor sessions.  I did notice that he was clammy yesterday but it was 80 degrees in the room and thought it normal.  Today, he has no fever but was extremely clammy to the touch.


They put him in his favorite T-shirt and put him to bed.  I said hello and puckered up.  Then he started shaking, tremoring and looking absolutely terrified.  I held his hand and told him I was with him.  After about three minutes of his entire body shaking, his neck going stiff and his arms tremoring...he stopped.  He looked at me as if to say, "What was THAT?" 


We called the nurse and we spent several hours watching him sleep, tremor to near convulsions and sweating.  I can honestly say that my heart is truly broken.  I never thought I could feel so all alone and empty.  I am absolutely convinced he feels even worse and cannot articulate his emotions.


As 2:00 came, I knew that the Pastor from Calvary Chapel would be there with other worshippers. Gary's room is very close to the worship and we could hear the singing.  I put a cool cloth on his head and wiped his brow to relax him.  He went to sleep hearing "Rock of Ages" and "Power in the Blood".  I sent a message out to ask the Pastor to come in and pray with Gary before he left.


He came in and read the Lord's Prayer and other scriptures.  Gary listened intently and said "amen" at the end.  Then, he had one of those life sucking tremors.  God was certainly represented in the room.  It was the only comfort I have felt all day.  He prayed for Gary with a depth I haven't felt before....perhaps because we needed it so bad.  God is good.


After a few hours, Gary was re-dressed and taken out to the living room for dinner.  He was no longer sweaty.  They are checking him for a UTI, diabetes, etc.  He was exhausted physically and me emotionally.


I walked away numb.  Ironically, a lady at church asked me if I ever cry or do I just smile all the time.   Well, today I cried as silently as one can.  I refuse to cry in front of Gary.  I refuse.  He has enough issues without seeing me upset.


As I drove away toward home, my thoughts turned to "what do I do?"  Do I turn around and go back and spend the night with him?  No, my only help in being there is to hold his hand.  I know he needs me but right now I am very weak.  I turned it over to GOD and drove home.  I can only anticipate what the next few days, weeks, months or even years will be like.  God is teaching me patience unlike any I've ever had.  I am not sure why...but honestly, I don't like it. 


I will call tonight before bedtime for a report.  My guess is they will adjust his medication and it will slow the tremors.  He brain is doing exactly as predicted by the experts.  It is effecting various systems in the body.  I have to remember there is no cure and that someday this will end. Heaven help us all!