The last days....

Watching your loved one die has to be one of the hardest things to experience in life. I have sat next to my husband, Gary for the past three days and watched him cascade through the final stages of life.  Frontotemporal Degeneration is the devil in the form of disease.  It is evil and no God loving man or woman should have to endure it.  Not only is the patient a victim but also the family, loved ones and caregivers.

Some of these caregivers have cried more than me when working with Gary.  They are all professionals but humans first. I am simply numb.

After a night of partial sleep, my daughter and I went to breakfast and talked.  No particular subjects were present on the agenda but it was nice to have companionship.  I then came to Sunrise Assisted Living to sit vigil with my husband's body.  It is still alive but I am convinced his soul is not here.  

Upon entering his room for the first time in 12 hours, I was rocked by the difference in his body.  It is almost as if his head is changing shape. His face is gaunt and has little color.  He now has a catheter and the output is only liquid from his body as he has had no water. He has had morphine to assist with...I'm not sure what.  His limbs are starting to show the ugly color of blue.

I loved this man so much for 32 years.  We had wonderful adventures and shared great times as well as many typical marriage challenges.  Watching him take what are undoubtedly his near last breaths, I am full of love, anger, rage and praise for a precious Lord who allowed such an amazing man into my life for as long as he did. 

On the table beside his bed is a copy of our marriage vows.  Ironically, part of my vows to him stated:  "If I can begin to touch others as you have touched me, I shall praise God for allowing such a strong love.  For you, my dear, are special and I am blessed to be your wife."

I have been very blessed and can rest in the fact that I know Gary was strong in his devotion to God and that he will soon be free of disease and made whole in Heaven.

I will write again when he is officially gone...with God's will, it won't be long.