Watching Him Breathe

Just hours after my last call from the Hospice Chaplin telling me she had prayed over Gary, I got another call informing me that he has stopped eating and drinking.  So, I went to the Memory Unit to start what has been a very interesting two days.

The Hospice nurse who called me had been off work for a week and came back to work.  Upon entering Gary's room, she noticed a marked difference in him.  It was not hard to miss.  I, too, upon entering his room saw a broken man.  His eyes seemed to be sitting deeper in their sockets and he appears significantly thinner.  His jaws were sagging.  I received a universal message that my husband is dying.  I have known this for a long time, but the evidence was very visual.

So, I have spent the last day and a half, mostly, at his side.  The first night, he never awoke during my visit.  Actually, visit is not the correct noun.  I will now call it a vigil. He had not eaten since the night before and was clenching his jaw tight shut when offered water. Whether he is mentally aware of his actions, his body is shutting him down.

Lacy, one of his original caregivers (Angel) greeted me to tell me that she had also been on vacation and had experienced a dream about Gary.  She described a vivid dream where she walked back into the unit after being gone and saw me and Gary sitting in the great room talking.  She said he got up from the chair and walked over to her and said, "Look Lacy, I can talk again!"  She said we were both very happy.  She woke up and felt that the Lord had sent her a message that Gary would be whole soon.

One of my pastors came to sit for a while with me.  It was nice to have companionship to talk and reminisce about Gary's life.  I am mostly alone now.  I told her that most of our lives together had been just Gary and myself and that once again, it appears that it is just us, alone, losing the final battle.  Or perhaps, he is winning the final battle.  

I do not ask friends or associates to come to the Memory Unit to visit or to sit with me.  I would feel wrong putting people in that position.  Everyone deals with death differently.  I am getting tremendous support from texting, Facebook, Skype and phone calls.  Even when loved ones do not know what to say, their thoughts and prayers are special. It will keep me from self-destructing. (You know who you are and I thank you!)

I sat with him all day yesterday and provided basic care.  We tried to give him water using a swab and I discovered that he had pocketed (held in his mouth) the last dose of applesauce and medicine he had received the previous night.  The poor man could not swallow it.  His mouth was cleaned and he then took about 4 teaspoons of water before his again refused to open is mouth.

Sitting and watching someone actively die is an amazing experience.  The professionals say that perhaps he is just taking a break from food and water and that he might rebound.  I don't agree.  If he does not drink or eat, they predict his demise in 2 to 7 days.  We will re-evaluate daily.  

I am spending my days sitting quietly with him and watching him breathe.  I stroke his head and arms but there is no reaction.  Its as if his mind has already left his body and his body is just hanging out.  The days are long and grueling.  I am not filled with any type of emotion including grief.  Any emotions I have are tucked deeply away while I do what I do best which is "take care of business".  I will fall apart later.

Since I was told that his death was probably not going to be last night, I gave myself some solace and stopped for dinner.  I sat at the bar at a local establishment and had a magnificent steak salad and a martini.  A subsequent chat with a local business owner who just moved to the area took my mind off my troubles for a few minutes.  I ended the conversation with him by sharing my blog address and talking to him about his 90 year old mother.  Its nice to talk with people.  

I came home and sat in front of the television.  The family was off on an adventure and I was alone.  There is a constant nagging in the back of my mind that the phone will ring and it will be notice of Gary's departure.  

It is 4:30 am and I am about to shower and make the sojourn to his facility to sit with him today.  I have taken off work during this time to spend with him. I have to slow my mind and body or I will go crazy. 

Thanks to all for your prayers and well wishes.