Thursday, January 12, 2017

A Partial Widow at 53

How can one be a "partial widow"?  A dear friend recently used this label for me after I was expressing discontent with not having a normal, healthy husband of 31 years at my side.  I was feeling sorry for myself and wondering what life holds for my future. 

She has said this to me a couple of times and she is exactly right.  I seem to live in this surreal life where I work an Executive Job, have fantastic job satisfaction and yet most nights, I stop by the Memory Care Unit where my husband lives and then I go home.  My step daughter and grandson live with me but for the most part, we live separate lives. My husband is not there, physically or mentally.  Thus the "partial widow" comment.  I grieve for him almost everyday.  At least I grieve for the man that was.  His body is still there and visible when I visit but for the most part, he is a stranger.

It has been said many times, "Ada, I don't know how you do it."  This expression comes from people who have never lived a life with a mentally disabled, terminal spouse.  I just keep going everyday and try to find peace in the fact that I am a married woman with no normal marriage.  I am a normal female who wants a partner that can meet me half way. I sometimes get bitter. I sometimes get angry.  But for the most part, it is incredibly lonely in every way... and all that implies.

Perhaps some day I will have life #2.  I, in no way, am anxious for the next step that will occur in this married life. So for now......I will just continue to take one step at a time and know that God is in control and has a plan.  Please continue to pray for Gary to have no pain or discomfort. 

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