Sunday, January 15, 2017

"Bloggers Want To Know..."

What a fantastic week....for me, at least.  Life at the University is full of excitement and advancement every month but January seems to be particularly fulfilling.  Especially when my initiatives are working and my teams are on top of their game.

Many nights, while driving home or to see Gary, I often reminisce of days when I would call Gary on my way home from wherever I was and share my day.  He would listen, ask questions, provide insight and share in my professional growth.  Those days are gone.  I don't even sit and talk with him hoping for a glimmer of that side of him....there is no point. Don't feel sorry for me when you read that.  I am over the period of feeling sorry for myself.  It just is....I have no emotion tied to those memories anymore. 

On Friday, an old friend came to visit.  She has seen Gary since he moved into Memory Care so I felt comfortable that her shock in seeing him now would not be so great. We spent Friday evening with her listening to my current thinking about my life, what the future holds and a particular troubling dilemma I have that will not be discussed here other than to say that I am in a very different space about my life, my future.  It is a good place.

During that conversation, she asked me for an update on Gary's condition.  For avid blog readers, apparently I left out a significant update on his ability to stand anymore...or not stand.  He went through one day two weeks ago where he was no longer able to stand and needed to be moved by a mechanical lift.  Even our daughter Heather asked me on Saturday morning about his condition by saying "Bloggers want to know!"  To all readers, I apologize for leaving you hanging.

That period of decline was temporary and lasted less than  12 hours.  I called the next morning and asked about his condition and was told he was back to "normal".  Not normal as we know it, but normal that he could stand long enough to have his diaper changed while using a walker as support.

Susan and I spent about a half hour on Saturday with Gary and he never opened his eyes though he was awake.  He held her hand and repeated some phrases quietly.  I was not expecting much response but we left to go on a day of adventure in Southern California.  We toured the Queen Mary and ended our day eating outside and dancing to a swing band at Downtown Disney. 

For the past few years, when I could get away and do things, I always found myself full of guilt or having yearnings for having Gary with me or wondering "Wouldn't Gary love this activity?"  Due to some new thinking, yesterday contained none of that.  I was able to have fun and enjoy myself as a human.

Three times this month old and trusted friends talked sense into me and assisted me to change focus.  I never realized how desperately I need to kick the "woe is me" mantra and move on.

I love Gary with all my heart and will take care of him always.  He is my husband.  I just do not need to live as if the world is ending.  Our world together as we knew it has ended, but not the whole world.  The Lord has a plan for me to do BIG things.  I intend to listen closely and fulfill those plans.  Prayers are appreciated as I embark on new adventures!  I am receiving some much needed spiritual guidance so everyone relax.  I will not do anything stupid.

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