Another day in the Life of Dementia

I'm really tired of being a caregiver, even though I'm not really a caregiver anymore.  Gary lives in Memory Care so I am done with the day-to-day issues of incontinence, medication, dressing, feeding, cleaning, etc.  I only pay for it all and do my best to get through each day knowing that he is about to die.

Today, he was sitting in a more reclined position due to his spinal atrophy.  He seemed more comfortable somehow.  I rolled him into his room and just looked at him.  He was wide eyed and his right eye had mucus around it.  I put drops in his eyes and attempted to clean it.  An eyelash was the culprit.  Imagine for a moment having an eyelash stuck in your eye and being unable to think through trying to get it out or even being able to communicate that you are uncomfortable.  A mere eyelash...I can't imagine something more major. 

I trimmed his mustache really short and eliminated all the food debris dried in it from breakfast.  Apparently no one wiped him off after his newly pureed breakfast.  I trimmed his eyebrows, ears, nose and fingernails.  His hair was perfectly combed.  

I looked straight into his eyes and talked to him as if he was totally there.  I told him that I love him but that I am tired and that I know he is.  He started making a half hacking/half coughing noise.  His face contorted and he started to cry.  I started to cry because I didn't know why he was crying. As quickly as he started, he stopped.  Me, too.

I told him that I will be okay if he wants to check out of this world.  No visible response.  I looked at him to see that if I never see him again alive, would I like how he looks for his deathbed.  He is not the man of yesteryear.  He is old and sick now.  Such a shame.  I look forward to him being restored to his old self.  It can't come too soon.