Alone for Thanksgiving

Tonight is the Thanksgiving Dinner at the Assisted Living Facility where my husband Gary lives.  For the second time, I will go.  Frankly, I don't want to go.  Things have changed so much since we moved him there. 

Last year at this time, he could still talk even though he was repeating what he heard.  His voice was still audible but weak. Now, if he does mouth anything it is inaudible and ties to little.

I was in his midst on Tuesday. When I prepared to leave, I put my face next to his and said our trademark "Love my babes!" which was our way of saying that we love each other.  His lips slowly parted and he mouthed with no sound "Love my babes."

I have no doubt in my mind that he felt something or remembered some instance of having heard this before that moment.  I will take it as a win. 

As I arrive tonight, I know that the food will be excellent and I will see family members of other residents that I haven't seen in a while.  All the families are at different places emotionally.  It is interesting to be ahead of them in the progression of the disease and to watch them go through it.  My supposition is that there are other families who are ahead of me in their journey and are watching me with the same eye.  There is a hell and a magic in not knowing what is happening to us next.

I used to go to the Memory Unit many times a week and stay an inordinate amount of time.  I don't do this anymore.  I don't want to go and sit and watch Gary sleep. 

For the first time this year at Thanksgiving, I have no plans.  I have to work up to the holiday and have chosen not to go with Heather and Xander on their holiday adventure.  I made a comment to a friend yesterday that I wasn't sure how I felt about being alone on Thanksgiving and that I didn't think I would like it.  Rather than let me stew in my "misery" the response was a quiet "How was your experience in Mexico?"

The reference was a trip I made last spring to Mexico by myself.  I had a wonderful time because I had the right attitude and was just accepting of the adventures I found.  So, my countenance immediately changed and I am looking on the upcoming holiday as an opportunity.  In fact, the truth might be that for some time, I may be alone in my life walk.  It is important that I don't lose myself in this phase of my life.