Missed Call
Nurse Betty
Hospice
My heart always leaps when I get a call from anyone at Hospice, even the music therapist. After all, its never a call to give GOOD news....
I read the voice to text version of her email. Since my version of this application is not perfected, all I could understand from the message was that nothing was an emergency but morphine was also in the sentence....the two don't necessarily go together, so scratching my head, I called Nurse Betty.
She promptly answered my call and explained that Hospice had been called in the middle of the night because Gary was "screaming in pain". Since he is non-verbal, the situation was rather unusual and of course, no one could detect his pain. So, they administered morphine and he slept the rest of the night.
She was calling me to let me know that he was better and had eaten all his breakfast and lunch. She was acting as if I had known about the events from the night before.....no one had called me. I was livid. Then again, I could not have done anything but worry.
I expressed my discontent with the situation. We determined that the last time he was "screaming" was two years ago related to arthritis in his hips. They had stopped the supplement which aided his pain so I told her I would bring some over that afternoon.
Fast forward past the trip to the Emergency Room to determine if my ankle was broken (its a sprain) and past the trip to Sprouts Grocery to pick up the MSM promised to Nurse Betty. I arrived at Sunrise to find Gary being wheeled out of his room, freshly groomed and up for dinner after a peaceful afternoon nap. I guess morphine helped with the peaceful part.
I rolled him over to the table and hugged on him. His eyes were wide and showed no signs of immediate distress. I sought out the Manager to inquire about the night before and the events that transpired. She had been called at 3:30 am by one of the caregiver/angels. She reported that while walking past Gary's room she heard him making a very loud noise that was described as a cross between a groan and clearing his throat. He often makes a noise while eating that has a lower volume than described here. It was determined that he was in pain and they ordered the morphine.
I expressed that I was concerned that no one called me. Was it the Unit's responsibility or Hospice? I didn't care but asked to be called in the future.
I returned to his side and fed him dinner. During the dinner, he again started making this noise. It was a gutteral, ear piercing sound. I cannot truly describe it but the brain is led to think he is either choking, in pain or distressed. He was breathing so I knew it was not choking. The son and daughter of one of the other residents were also sitting at the table. Everyone stays so calm as we know the events that occur at any moment of days in the Memory Unit could be pivotal in all their lives. The son, a man about my age, looked at Gary with compassion and a mix of horror.
We carried on our conversations as I rubbed Gary's back, neck and head. It was if he was trying to tell me something in his noises. I imagined that the noise was him trying to find his voice. I asked him what he was trying to say. Of course, he could say nothing. His eyes were full of torture while at the same time, completely void of feeling...it is difficult to describe if one has never seen the Dementia stare.
I will never know what he was thinking or trying to tell us. As one of the angels walked back and forth taking care of other residents, his eyes followed her. Back and forth. He was watching her....I have no doubt. This is a behavior not exhibited by him in many months. He looked so desperate even though his noises had stopped. As he began to fall asleep I dismissed myself from the table and we all said our "so longs" until Thursday's Thanksgiving lunch. We all assume that our family members will still be alive two days from now.
Hospice. Morphine. Screaming. Fear.
Those are all terms that are a real part of Gary's life. It is pitiful I am coping. I await the next phase of his death and of my life. They are polar opposite in their direction.
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