He is here in Spirit.

As many of you know, my husband lives in a Memory Care Unit under the care of fantastic caregivers/angels and of course, Hospice.  

We are all shocked that he is still alive.  Here he is yesterday right before falling asleep during a Frank Sinatra sing-a-long.  Frankly, had I not left, I too would have fallen asleep.

He held my hand as he fell asleep.

It is amazing to me that all the folks who live in the unit with him have some form of Alzheimer's or Dementia.  To look at some, they seem perfectly "Normal" until they talk.  Others look afflicted, like Gary.  I do not understand why this disease exists.  It serves no purpose other than to give caregivers jobs and to support vendors who have built a business around it.  Then, there are the families.

On Thanksgiving, I watched families come and go.  Some handle the disease well....others have no concept of the depth of it due to denial.  I watched one son show pictures of family to him (like I've done many times) hoping for some shred of recognition.  The act is not for the patient but rather the loved one.  The patient doesn't give a flip. We all hold on to some hope that recognition will be there for some short moment.  I like to think I know better and that Gary is gone and will not "pop" back.  But the truth is....I still go there to visit the body that is Gary.  Not the personality.

I bought a new home a few months back and decided to buy some new Christmas decorations and decorate the last two days.  So many memories flooded my mind about Christmases past with Gary.  They were all charming memories.  We decided years ago to not buy each other gifts at Christmas but rather make memories throughout the year.  Ironically, only I have the memories. He will never step foot in this house that I now call home.  

When I first met Gary in 1985, he drove a VW Camper Van.  My the good times we had in it...before and after marriage.  It died a slow, rusty death in 1988.  Somehow, those who knew him back then tend to think of him as an old hippie turned "yuppie" turned entrepreneur turned investor turned dementia patient.  So, yesterday as I was checking out the new Christmas decorations, I saw a large VW van figurine with a Christmas tree on top right next to the cashier...it was meant for me....  I had to buy it....

Later, when I had finished all decorations, I found the perfect spot for the van.  On the front porch, at the entrance of the home.  While he will never come in that door, he is here in spirit.

Merry Christmas season, Gary.