Am I really ready for his death?

Sometimes life has a way of smacking us across the face and behind the head and kick us in the shins.....other times, it quietly taps us on the shoulder and whispers in our ears "Hey, you aren't paying attention.  Wake up."


This year I have experienced the smacks, kicks and pain of the following:
My father died in February
My sister died a week later
I totaled my car and could have died
I bought a house that has had "issues"
I had a cancer scare
I had surgery
My car has been in the shop for three weeks now....
and.....my husband is in hospice with Frontotemporal Degeneration.


All those things have kept me busy this year along with a few other distractions that won't be listed here....


However, this morning, I opened Facebook and one of the caregivers from a FTD group has posted the link to this Ted Talk.


https://www.ted.com/talks/beth_malone_how_my_dad_s_dementia_changed_my_idea_of_death_and_life?utm_source=facebook.com&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=tedspread--b


I was in my bed enjoying my morning coffee when I clicked on the video.  It starts with a young woman saying that her father has FTD and she wants to kill him.  She was serious.  Well, watch the video and you will see why all those of us who care for FTD patients have felt the same way at one point or another. 


As her story unfolded, I started feeling her angst.  I have lived it.  She references a time when after she thought her father's personality and spirit had left his body and remaining was a shell of the man.  This is when she considers "getting him out of that body".  Then something happens that makes her realize that his spirit is still connected to his body and she commits to continuing visiting and watching him "live".


That story was the quiet "tapping on the shoulder" that I referenced above in the opening paragraph.  It said to me that despite the stare, lack of response and gone-ness of my husband's personality that he is still there.  I see small signs of it every so often. Rarely. I have ignored them so its easier to let go.  Its easier to rationalize why I don't go there and sit with him very often. 


Soon, he will be gone for good.  When the spirit leaves the body and he goes to be with his Lord, what will I do?  What will I feel?  Recently and up to this morning, I thought I was ready for his death.  But after watching that powerful talk on YouTube, I am no so sure.