Sunday, May 15, 2016

Behavioral Variant Frontotemporal Dementia

Behavioral Variant Frontotemporal Dementia.  Well, there it is....the diagnosis.

Sounds dramatic and horrible.  The truth is Gary is no different than he was before the diagnosis we received on Thursday but now it has a more specific name.  The Neurologist will be further examining his MRI and CT scans to determine if Gary's brain has shrunk.  If so, there is nothing to do but live like we do now.  If it has not shrunk, perhaps his symptoms can be managed with medication and psychiatric treatment. I know my husband pretty well and unfortunately, I'm betting on the brain shrinkage. 

Am I scared?  Not really.  I've had time to adjust so far and know that someday I will be alone. Even though I spend most moments outside of work with Gary, I am still very much alone anyway. 

I decided last week that I would take the day of Memorial day to myself and get a sitter for Gary.  I also asked the agency to send someone over next Sunday so I can go to church and do whatever I decide I want to do.  The hard part has been so long since I've done anything that I do not know what to do.  That must sound silly, but I am still dealing with what I call "dementia guilt".  I feel bad that Gary can't do whatever I do and I feel guilty about it. Yes, I will grow out of that as well. 

Emotionally, I am very fragile but accepting the inevitable.  Dementia is a horrible, cruel disease.  Things will get worse before they improve. I know this.  I hate this.

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