Friday, May 20, 2016

"Events of Weakness"

I am sitting in the hospital room with Gary watching him fidget while waiting to be discharged after a day and a half of observation.  He has no concept that he is being sent home but he is fidgety none-the-less. 

His medical tests all show negative for seizures and his brain apparently does not show the propensity for them either. The doctor is calling it "an event of weakness". So, we take him home and watch him……. Sounds exciting for both of us.
The first step is to toss out his electric toothbrush.  No one knows the connection between the “events” and the electric toothbrush.  For those who know not of the story,   yesterday morning while brushing his teeth, Gary had what appeared to be two very short, intense seizures.  So, we spent the day in the emergency room and then checked him in for observation. 

Something about having a loved one in the hospital does things to the other loved one’s psyche. It conjures thoughts of “what ifs”, it reinforces loneliness and forces the thoughts of “how is this going to end someday?” It even changes how the dog acts.  It changes how everyone acts toward you.  Very strange is this concept of people caring about you but not knowing what to say.

I know for sure that Gary will die someday.  We all do.  The bigger question is what will happen between now and then?  How many trips will there be in the ambulance?  How many times to the ER? How many hospital stays?  The control freak in me yearns to prepare for  all what ifs so life will be easier during those times…..kinda like a fire drill, dry run or a dress rehearsal.  One of my co-workers always tells me to relax and only deal with the here and now.  Is she right?  Possibly.  I sometimes don’t know what to think about if I am not planning, visioning or strategizing.  Meditation seems like a lost art.  I know the art so well but lately have chosen not to enjoy the art….somewhat wasteful of precious time .

I was off work yesterday with Gary but went to work today.  It was so great as I knew Gary was taken care of medically and I could do nothing but wait.  I was so productive it was crazy.  I need the focus of work. 
When I talk to God, I often ask “why”.  Answers do not come.  People tell me that I am strong.  Horse hockey.  I am not strong personally.  I am saved by grace not deeds.

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