I've got 90% of my frustration problem figured out. I think too much and I try too hard to figure out how to counteract what Gary will do next to keep me on edge or scared for his safety.
This week we received his Amber Alert GPS. It hangs around his neck and has some incredible features. I have set up a zone around our house that if he walks
more than 2000 feet (past the dog park), a text message is sent to me. He can be tracked within 20 feet of anywhere he goes. He can press a button to call me on my cell phone. I can call his GPS and talk with him instantly. Pretty cool. It will really help when he is at home alone or when we get separated and I need to find him.....or at least that is the idea. It does not work when we leave the house together to go to church and we figure he doesn't need to wear it.....and then we change plans. The moral of this story is: Make him wear the GPS.
We saw the movie "Heaven is for Real" yesterday. Great movie! Today, we decided to see "Noah". Same theatre, different section. Since we had a late lunch, we did not get our normal popcorn and soda. We got a small soda in case we got a cough or needed liquid. The movie was captivating. Nearing the climax of the movie, I noticed Gary was getting fidgety and was starting to make noises that indicated discomfort. Yep, he had to pee really badly. (I got a little irritated, as he did the same thing during "Son of God" a couple of weeks back and he missed the crucifixion scene.) He wiggled around for about five minutes thinking the end of the movie was coming. He could wait no more so I told him to go to the bathroom and that since the movie was almost over and he was going to miss the end that I would meet him in the lobby. Sure enough, only five minutes was left in the movie and ended before he returned.
I left the theatre with the other customers and went to the door of the men's restroom as I did not see him in the concession section. I waited for about another five minutes and started feeling uneasy that he was not out yet. My mind immediately started thinking of what could have happened to him. During these sessions of active imagination, I experience the following negative emotions: irritation, fear, wonder, anger and disappointment.
- he could have come out of the restroom and somehow I missed him going into the theatre
- he was still in there
- he came out of the restroom and went into the theatre from yesterday
- he came out of the theatre and went outside looking for me there
After seeing many men go into the restroom and come back out, I decided to ask security for assistance. I explained the situation asked a young guard with a funny haircut if he would go to the restroom and see if Gary were there. He asked about his clothing and proceeded to the restroom. I told him Gary's name. He came out and said there were three men in stalls and that I should wait to a while to see if he comes out. He said if he didn't come out in a few minutes to come back over and ask him again. He also indicated that if Gary had come out and gone into another theatre that I would have to wait. The guards sense of caring and urgency was fascinating.....the description "dough-head" comes to mind...
It was then I realized that Gary had his cell phone on but I had left my cell in the car. So, I could go outside to the car and call him, but then I might miss him coming out of the restroom and could get further separated. So, I paced and waited. I had worked my emotions up to a roar.
The thoughts went to the future....is this what life is going to be like? No, I have to either not go to the movies or similar situations anymore; or always go to the door of the restroom with him; or make sure he is wearing his GPS and I always carry my cell so I can call him on the tracker. I could not bear to think beyond those scenarios.
He came out of the bathroom shortly thereafter acting completely normal. I told him some of what had happened and told him to "stand right here and don't dare move until I come out of the bathroom." He did. When I came out he was standing there looking like a scolded child. I felt horrible.
He had merely gone to the bathroom and taken quite a while, naturally, to do so. He had done nothing wrong and had not gone anywhere else. It was all me. The problem was mine. The emotion was mine.
I was pretty irritated and it took me a while to come down off that ride. We went to get Tilapia tacos and I sat pretty quietly while we waited on our food. I had shared the whole emotional scene with him in the car and he was blown away by my mind's concoctions. He could understand why I thought all those things.
My feelings were of intense melancholy. That is the only adjective I could conjure. I wanted to cry but knew it would solve nothing.
Why can't I just enjoy each moment for what it is? Why am I such a control freak that I need to pre-think every potential situation? Because I am responsible for him? No, Ada, God is in control and you have little faith. This incident was particularly poignant since we had just seen a movie about a human with great faith and doubt. My job is to love Gary and trust God. Why is it so hard to let go and trust that we will be ok? If I could only be more like Gary as he was in the rainforest below....just loving life.