In my quest to make decisions regarding Gary and his care, I have realized that I am exhausted and unless I change things, I have no chance of making an acceptable decision. The decision in question is: Do I continue to keep Gary at home using Day Care and Caregivers for now and move him to Memory Care later or should I move him sooner? Will he be better off at home with me or someplace where he is stimulated more and I can get more rest?
The question is a deep one. I have not left him at home at night without me....well, since his diagnosis, ever. I did decide that I would take four days away and get 24 care for him (whopping expensive) and go somewhere nearby where I can rejuvenate yet be close by the first time. I am staying about 30 miles from home at a golf resort near the beach. So far, I can't seem to unwind but had a FABULOUS dinner at a local restaurant and plenty of time to myself.
I went to the beach today just to check out the conditions for going tomorrow. It was 65 degrees and quite chilly. Since I am recovering from Pneumonia, I wore my sweatshirt and felt toasty while watching small, shriveled children play in the surf. Toasty was just fine.
The entire day I tried to stay focused on Gary. Its not hard because he is so entwined in my life....every part of every breath of every day. I love him to the depths and want the best for him.
It is important to remember that the man I look at today is a mere shell of the one I know so well from the past. I tried to talk to him yesterday just to give the respect of telling him that I was going away for a few days. I told him that I am sick and need to recuperate. I reiterated that I needed to make some decisions for him but did not tell him what. There is no need. He just repeated what I said and really had no comprehension. It made me sad.
I have yet to have a wide-out bawling experience related to his dementia. It is coming......I have quick glimpses when watching t.v. or when seeing a couple holding hands. I miss my life. I miss my husband. I miss my best friend.
As I sat in the restaurant tonight by myself, I found my companion to be my phone. It was so surreal ....I kept waiting on Gary to walk in the door or to walk out of the restroom, sit down at the table and toast to our love. He never came. He never will.
Hopefully the next few days will allow me to go quiet and hear what the Lord is telling me when I ask him what to do. I know he is whispering the answer......I just need to be quiet enough to hear the voice.
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