"I miss you like the Dickens!"

Gary is such a giving soul.  In fact, he would give one the shirt off his back if needed.  Above is a picture of us a few years ago cooking thousands of hot dogs at the Convoy of Hope. 

The Convoy is an organization that travels the country feeding the poor, washing feet, giving haircuts, clothes and spiritual outreach.  We did this together once and Gary went one year without me while I was in bed with a fever. 

He is still sweet and loving, just with a different affect.  When I returned home after a 4 day respite, he seemed to know I had been missing and perked up when I kissed him on the head. I was glad that he still connects with me.  It is a bittersweet recognition.

I had made the decision to admit him to Memory Care in July as I need the time to prepare everything.  My heart is broken.

This morning, I was getting him ready for his day at Day Care.  His legs started shaking like a few weeks ago when we thought he was having a seizure.  I managed to get him to the bed to lean against it while I tried to dress him.  His legs were so weak that he kept sliding down the side of the bed.  It was all I could do to handle him from falling on the floor.  I knew that if he sat down, his muscles would recover and he would be "fine".  I managed to get him to the end of the bed to a bench.  He sat there while I went through the normal plan of saying, "right leg.  Pick up your right leg.  Left leg.  Pick up your left leg."  I got his jeans to his waist but could not get him to stand to secure the waistband.  I let him sit there as long as I could before needing to continue dressing him.

After dressing myself and wondering, "What do I do now?  I can't call 911 as this is not an emergency.  How will I get him downstairs if this continues?" Due to recovering from Pneumonia and the physical exertion, I was exhausted.  I kept repeating "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."  I said it at least 10 times.

Gary stood with my help, had stopped shaking and as we moved toward the stairwell, he said to me, "I miss you like the Dickens."  The heartfelt statement threw me.  I responded, "Why honey, I'm right here?" He said okay and we moved downstairs....slowly but safely with one hand on the rail and one hand on my shoulder.

I thought about his statement several times in the day.  Did he mean to say it in past tense and that he had missed me?  Or in that moment, did he not realize I was there even though he was talking to me?  What will he say when he is at Memory Care and talks to me and I'm not there?  That is the heartbreaking part for me.  He is my other half even when his half is not functioning well.

I'm sure God will protect both of us and bring healing for the grief.  I think of the people he has helped over the years.  As Christians, we know we are saved by Grace and not by deeds but I am hoping that while here on Earth he can cash in some of those good deeds for peace and tranquility here.  Heaven is handled for him.  He loves the Lord and we still recite the Lords' Prayer most nights.  He still knows it and recites it. 

Thank you Lord for every day.