Wednesday, June 15, 2016

What is a GOOD wife?

I am struggling with the concept of living apart from Gary.  Did I say that I am struggling with living apart from my husband of 30 years?  This is going to be way harder on me than him.

I have to think through getting him the right furniture, taking the right clothes, d├ęcor and every detail.  I am so busy at work that I am struggling with time to make Doctors' appointments, calling Hospice, etc.  The new facility says they can help with this......ok.  I will try that route or it will not get done. 

I have to do this to preserve myself, my sanity, my job and every other aspect of being a good wife.  What is a good wife?

A loved one told me today that I will never recover from the guilt of making the decision to take him out of the home for 24 hour care.  "Could I have done something else?"  I can see that.  However, that guilt will be less than something happening to him here because he may not have the right care.  I can live with that a lot better.

Gary is my soulmate.  I know and have lived "For better or worse"  even though we actually never said those words.  Instead, our vows said, "when we are separated, only by death, we will be self actualized that so that one can continue independently...."  Wow, how powerful were my thoughts at age 22.  I sometimes think that 22 year old was wiser than me at 53.  Then again, maybe not.

Life has changed so significantly that I'm not sure how to react.  I am preparing to live life without my husband. While I know I am more than capable, it is still terrifying.

Every day is a new adventure.  Today, we had a substitute caregiver.  When I walked her to the door, she turned and looked at me.  She said, "You have a lot to deal with.  I am sorry for you."  I let him know that everyday is a new adventure.

Right now, I'm genuinely tired.  After a full day at work and very little sleep last night, I am shaky.  Lets hope Gary is just as tired so he sleeps rather than talks tonight.  I don't want to have to say "Please be quiet!  Please?" tonight....after all, it does No good.

Sleep well, my friends.

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