Saturday, June 18, 2016

I must carry on.....

In the middle of the night, after 4 trips to the bathroom (two successful, one near miss and one bed flood), I came to the realization that I am near done and that I have made the right decision for Gary and myself that he go to Memory Care. 

I was tired after a long week and when he grabbed onto the posterbed with a vice-like grip to refuse to put on his diaper/underwear, I just begged him to go along with me.  He looked through me and did not change his behavior.  I felt the angst, tears and frustration well up in my chest and move to my eyes.  At that point, I gave up.  Not on the situation of the diaper install but gave up on the whole situation.  I would not be able to do this much longer without doing harm to myself or striking him. 

It is a point in life I never thought I would reach.  I came close after my grandson's Graduation ceremony this week.  I started to cry in front of our new pastor and then realized that there were hundreds of people, in perfect Ada style, I compartmentalized my emotion, pushed it down and moved on to leave.  Its a technique that I developed years ago in stressful situations. 

In this life situation, I cannot use this technique any longer as it will cause me irreparable harm.  When Gary goes to Memory Care and I have more time to heal, I will seek a good counselor to assure that I am dealing with the grief, anger, fatigue, confusion and responsibility.

In reality, I lost my husband a long time ago.  His body and part of his mind is still here.  I must carry on without him.

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