In the middle of the night, after 4 trips to the bathroom (two successful, one near miss and one bed flood), I came to the realization that I am near done and that I have made the right decision for Gary and myself that he go to Memory Care.
I was tired after a long week and when he grabbed onto the posterbed with a vice-like grip to refuse to put on his diaper/underwear, I just begged him to go along with me. He looked through me and did not change his behavior. I felt the angst, tears and frustration well up in my chest and move to my eyes. At that point, I gave up. Not on the situation of the diaper install but gave up on the whole situation. I would not be able to do this much longer without doing harm to myself or striking him.
It is a point in life I never thought I would reach. I came close after my grandson's Graduation ceremony this week. I started to cry in front of our new pastor and then realized that there were hundreds of people around.....so, in perfect Ada style, I compartmentalized my emotion, pushed it down and moved on to leave. Its a technique that I developed years ago in stressful situations.
In this life situation, I cannot use this technique any longer as it will cause me irreparable harm. When Gary goes to Memory Care and I have more time to heal, I will seek a good counselor to assure that I am dealing with the grief, anger, fatigue, confusion and responsibility.
In reality, I lost my husband a long time ago. His body and part of his mind is still here. I must carry on without him.
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