Feeling sorry for myself....

So, I'm feeling sorry for myself.  After work and the Chiropractor, I stopped by Gary's to visit for a while.  They had finished dinner and he was sitting at a table with three ladies and next to him there was a walker with a seat.  I asked Mary if I could sit on her chair and she nodded.  I sat next to Gary, kissed him on the forehead and held his hand.

He responded with a "Hi Honey."  No emotion, no love, just words.  At least he said the words.

He spent the next 20 minutes trying to put the tail of his shirt over his knee.  No matter what I did, he did not deviate from his fixation.  I put a picture book in front of him and hoped to change his fixation.  I asked if he had a good time at the ballgame and he responded in the affirmative. 

All the information I received this evening came from one of the caregivers.  She seemed to sense my helplessness and gave me the following information:

• When Gary walks past my picture, he says "Ada Mae."
• When I am not there at mealtime he often calls out for me by saying "ADA MAE?".
• Today, he sang along with the compact discs I brought to the center.....he sang to Fleetwood Mac and to many Grammy winning songs he knows. It does my heart good to know he is singing.
• Today, when he was repeating something he had read on the menu, one of the other residents said, "He doesn't know what he is doing."  He immediately stopped shaking his foot and repeating and turned to look at her and say, "I know exactly what I am doing."  That is my Gary!!!!!

So, I was conflicted.  DO I stay and watch him sink into his shirttail and hope he has a moment of connectivity or do I leave and go home, have dinner and a glass of wine.  I chose to leave.  Felt guilty ever since.  This disease sucks.....in so many ways.

Yesterday I posted on Facebook that I want to do something big.... I am not sure what that it is but I have time on my hands and I feel God wants me to do something BIG related to Frontotemporal Degeneration.  Make people aware...raise money..speaker series...something.

I am open to ideas.......I have too much personal time on my hands......