Thursday, August 4, 2016

They lived happily ever after.....

I went to visit Gary this evening after he had dinner.  He was sitting in a different place in their living room with "The Wedding Planner" on the television.  The room was sparsely populated tonight.  He was sitting by himself zipping and unzipping his jacket.

He said hello and accepted my kiss with enthusiasm.  That is where the emotion ended.  I asked about his day and he said, "It was perfect."  He could not tell me how or why.

I rubbed his arm as he zipped and unzipped his jacket.  He quietly repeated phrases from the movie and various other things he was hearing in the room.

Occasionally, when prompted, he would look at me.  Most of the time, he looked at his zipper or the shoe he had just kicked off.

I found myself watching the movie or looking around the room.  I watched the nurse who looks astonishingly like Annette Funicello dole out nightly medicines.  She is so kind and talks to each patient as she works with them.  I could close my eyes and see the wings on her back.

I watched the residents do what they all do.  Martha sits and thinks of something and cries.  When the nurse brought her the medicine she stated that she would rather have a gin and tonic.  Me, too.

Thelma wonders aloud when he son will pick her up and Donna complains that she ate too much and she is fat (not!).

Gary zips and unzips his jacket. I would never let him know it but I started to anger.  Why is he like this?  What happened in our life to cause this?  Why can't he "snap to" when I come and pay attention to me?  Reality says that he probably never will. 

So, I debated.  Do I stay and watch the rest of the movie?  Do I put him to bed?  Should I leave?  I can watch the movie at home while I'm eating dinner....there is that damn guilt again.

I decided to sneak out the kitchen door when one of the caregivers was nearby.  I told him (as usual) that I was going to let Diva out to pee.  He zipped and unzipped his jacket.

I left.  For the first time since the day I moved him in.. I felt incredible sadness.  I did not cry.  There is no point. 

So, I listen to sad songs on the way home and attempt to work it through.  Sometimes, I can do it and other times, like tonight, I cannot.

During a driving point today, I thought of where I might live after Heather graduates,gets a job and moves out.  I found that it all depends on whether or not Gary knows me or is even alive.  Am I really thinking these things.  Is this healthy or cruel?  Yorba Linda is a nice place for the future....or the beach.

Meanwhile I envision that Gary is still sitting in that chair zipping and unzipping that damn jacket.  I felt okay about coming home.  I watched the end of the movie "The Wedding Planner".  They got married and lived happily every after.....right.

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