Empty Eyes from the Devil

Tonight's empty eyes were courtesy of Fronto Temporal Degeneration.   I hate the disease with all that is in me. 

I know it is not right to hate and I know that God would disapprove....but GOD did not create this disease....it is of the Devil....Satan.....

I got to Gary late in the Dinner process as I was having a magnificent day at work.  I left and went straight to the "happy place".  For me, it was not happy tonight.  Gary had finished dinner and was fed courtesy of one of the angels.  He had his activity blanket on his lap and spent the 45 minutes of our time together looking away from me and chewing on the ribbon from the blanket.  At one point, he attempted to put the ribbon through one of the rivets on the blanket.  I helped him put it through and he went right back to sucking on the ribbon.  I could tell that in about 20 minutes, he would again attempt to put the ribbon through yet another rivet. 

I could not take it.  I looked around and saw all the lady residents had hairdos today.  They all looked fancy.  Some have life in their eyes....others don't. I kidded one of them by asking if her boyfriend was coming.....she said that she was loyal to her husband who died and that she would never have a boyfriend.  She put me in my place.

One of the other residents had a beautiful up-do that looked magnificent from the forehead up.  Otherwise, she is bruised from a bad fall and her entire face, two weeks later is entirely green.  I know she is in pain.

Meanwhile, I looked again at my husband. He was not here today but somewhere lost in chewing on a ribbon.  I realized that sitting there with him was not productive for anyone.  As I arose to leave, they let Annie the dog into the room since dinner was finished.  She jumped on me and was incredibly happy to see me.  I picked her up and got lots of puppy kisses.  It was the time today when I felt something for the first time. Puppy kisses, really?

I told Annie to stay as I stumbled out of the Memory Unit.  Boy, did I feel lost.  What am I doing?  I go there every night trying to find some sense of normalcy.  Currently, it does not exist.  I am in a place of near purgatory.

I have to find a place of comfort.  I have to find a place of comfort.  I have to be comfortable. 

Poor Gary. He sits in his wheelchair, often with his shoes kicked off.  He looks permanently to the right and stares at whatever is in that path.  He still tells me he loves me but it is more habit than feeling.  I am thankful that the activity blanket occupies his time. 

Who would have thought 31 years ago that I would be thankful for an activity blanket to give my husband satisfaction?   Dementia is a disease from the Devil.