It has been reported by caregivers, that the last few days, Gary has mostly fed himself. Messy though he is, he is feeding himself. I am grateful that he is in a period of being independent.
So, I struggle with when to visit him. I slipped into a convenient pattern of going to visit during meals and feeding him. It was easy to rationalize that I am helping him and then leaving immediately following the meals. So, now that he is aware (I think) that I come to feed him, will he eat by himself with me there? Do I need to change my schedule to not impede any progress he is making? What will happen tomorrow?
I stopped by this morning on my way to work to take a waterproof pillow cover for the pillow for his wheelchair. It is a great pillow full of foam and support. I do not know from whence it came. It just appeared. I can only assume it came from Hospice. Anyway, it needed a waterproof cover in case of accidents. So delivered.
While I was there, he was mumbling something. I tried many times to clarify what he was saying. No success. So, as I was leaving, I told him I loved him and he broke into a response that only he and I share. He was there. He was present and his speech was very clear. If the only times he is clear is when he is feeling love, I will take it. I wish I could duplicate it all the time so he could live normally.
This is such a cruel disease. He will never live normally and sometimes I think neither will I.
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