Monday, September 12, 2016

Why do I feel so Empty?

Its been a long day.  Its been a long week.  Its Monday.

Dementia continues to be the ever present issue of everyday.  Not for me, but for my husband, Gary.  I stopped by "The Happy Place" on Friday evening which was also our 31st anniversary.  I had planned to feed him dinner and roll him out to the courtyard for some private time.  As it turned out, I fed him dinner and I had no energy nor interest in moving.  So, we sat at the dinner table, held hands and I attempted to hear Gary's mutterings. 

He is very difficult to hear when he starts his under-the-breath talking.  I never did hear what he was saying.  I gave up and left.....came home and had dinner and some wine.  What an incredible situation I have found myself in.......53 years old and no one to share my marriage with....

I visited him again on Saturday but after shaving him, trimming his moustache and beard, I have to admit, I lost interest.   He looked good and seemed to be happy after lunch.  I left.  Seems like I do that a lot.

My daughter and grandson took me to play Putt-Putt and for dinner.  It was Xander's first experience and he had a good time.  So did I.  We went out for dinner and I celebrated with two 40th anniversary (of the restaurant) Margaritas.  It felt good.

As Sunday came and went, I found myself just as apathetic about visiting Gary. My sister called when I was on my way to Gary's to tell me my Dad is in the hospital very ill.  That fact lent itself to lots of questions about life and death.

I visited for the two hours needed to feed him and do whatever activity is offered during that period of time.  I came home and spent the rest of the day reading the manuscript of my friend's novel. It was a fascinating contrast to my current life and it was good to get lost in someone else's problems. How sad.

Today, I went to work and stopped by Gary's after my chiropractor appointment.  I lasted about 45 minutes.  He was muttering and spent a while holding my hand.  I was so sleepy and tired that I almost dozed off.  So, I came home and ate chicken, green beans and cucumbers.  I settled a security concern that has lasted all afternoon at the college.  When I reference vendors as "idiots" three times in 2 hours, you know its bad. 

As I sit here taking solace in watching M.A.S.H., I find that I am generally numb.  The emotion that I do feel is often melancholy.  I am not sure what the future holds.  I am blessed to have a good job, a good brain, good health and great roommates!  Why do I feel so empty?

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